So its Rorschach and Prozac and everything is groovy..
As I wrote in my previous post, I thought I would write something about Nick's death and my experiences since then. Whilst I don't intend to write anything that is deliberately provocative, I am also aware that many of those who read this knew Nick well and this is obviously an emotional subject, so if you read it you might consider doing so at an appropriate time.
I guess I have several reasons for writing this. It is meant partly as a cathartic exercise. It is also documentation of my own experience and current state of mind. I hope it will act as reassurance and insight to those concerned about how I feel. I'd like to flatter myself that some of what I have learnt might be of use to others, although I also appreciate that every grieving process is unique. It doesn't cover everything, but I perhaps I will detail those in subsequent posts.
I'd just finished the Burnham Duathlon with Anastasia when Mum called me to tell me that Nick had killed himself. He'd spent the previous week at our house as it was his first week in a new job as Assistant Warden at Leigh Woods. Anastasia and I had been really pleased when he got the job, although Nick had been fairly unimpressed. I had put this down to the fact he was still depressed and it was a big change for him. It retrospect I suspect it might have been that he had already chosen a course of action. He'd been a bit up and down that week, but not noticeably more than usual. That Sunday afternoon gratitude Jan and Ruth came round, and helped us put together our bike shed to help occupy our minds. A simple act, but one I will always be grateful to them for. A programmer's hands are not used to manual labour as our screwdriver induced blisters testified to.
Anastasia and I spent the week back at my parents place. It was quite a strange time; the weather was really nice, and we spent a lot of time relaxing in the back garden. We all really appreciated the messages of support we received; many thanks for everyone's kindness. Against to my expectations, I spent most of the week feeling strangely peaceful and calm. This was however punctuated by bouts of strong grief, which I managed to control through breathing and visualising these as waves which I surfed down (and a lot better than I do in real life it has to be said).
I returned to work a week later which I think was the right choice, although the project I was working on was getting more stressful as we had underestimated the work (hard as that is to believe in software development). We had to wait a few weeks for the funeral as an autopsy and associated paperwork were required. I went to see Nick's body lying in state on the day of the funeral which was an eery but worthwhile experience. He looked completely at peace, but also slightly too smart in a buttoned up shirt. We kept the funeral small, as we thought it would be easier on my parents, although on the day the chapel was fully attended by people from all aspects of Nick's life. I wrote and performed his eulogy and am pleased and proud of both what I said and that I managed to finish it without getting upset. We decided against flowers in favour of a collection for the Samaritans and the Bumblebee Trust (a small conservation society which Nick had joined). We managed to raise several hundred pounds for each which meant a lot; many thanks for all contributions.
As we kept the number of people at the funeral small, we also arranged a wake for Nick at the end of September at our place in Bristol. This also very useful for me and, I hope, others. I put out a load of Nick's stuff in one room; photos, books, certificates and CDs, which was complemented by many friends from all aspects of his life who came along. It brought home to me what a varied and interesting person he was, and how well liked and loved he was. The irony was that Nick was the one person who really should have been there to convince himself of that fact.
The time between the funeral and the wake was a difficult time for me personally. I had been having depressed episodes due to my situation at work before Nick killed himself. These were mostly due to an inability to communicate the problems I had effectively to my manager, and the lack of resolution on problems I had identified. During September these got significantly worse, mostly as the project I was on running late but also because of the emotional stress of Nick's death. It got to the point where I was having mild panic attacks at work, couldn't concentrate, and was uncommunicative and utterly apathetic when I was at home. I started to wonder about the point of my life, and feel that ultimately it had no real purpose. This was obviously very hard on Anastasia, and eventually she managed to persuade me to go to the doctors and arranged a visit to a councillor. My GP was very understanding, gave me a wide range of suggestions (exercise, healthy eating, councillor, and poetry). She also signed me off for two weeks and offered a course of anti-depressants, which I accepted. I also told my manager, who, to his credit, was extremely understanding, and gave me the two weeks off without hesitation despite the state of the project and the pressure he was under.
I was skeptical about going to the councillor, but after several sessions I completely changed my opinion. The ability to talk, to be listened to and occasionally challenged in a quiet and confidential setting was very powerful. For the first four or five sessions I just talked about work and my life in general, and not really about Nick at all. There are different types of counselling technique according to Tracey. My counsellor uses a technique which focuses much more on emotions and the reasons for those emotions. There are other techniques such as Cognitive Based Therapy (CBT), but her technique worked well for me. She managed to make me realise that I shouldn't be worrying about a huge 'to do' list I had made for myself, but instead focus on what was causing the strong emotions I was experiencing, often due to poor communication with other people. It also helped re-reading 'The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People' (terrible title, good ideas) and the Watchman in the two weeks off. (The latter wasn't really an emotional help, but was in part the inspiration for the title of this entry).
Since returning to work, things have got a lot better. I've had about eight counselling sessions now including a couple of difficult but worthwhile ones about Nick. I've got a final one arranged for January. I've stopped the anti-depressants; I think all the other things I have done were more effective. I've talked with my manager at work and things are going a lot better there. I've realised that to motivate myself to get things done I need to understand the emotional drivers for them rather than just writing out a massive list. I've become much more aware of other people's emotional difficulties and problems, the power of simply listening and empathising with people, and a strong desire to try and help as many of my friends as I can by doing this.
I am at the start of a long process with Nick. Bereavement takes years; typically 2 to 3, sometimes more. I think the shock is wearing off, and I get sad and tearful about it quite often now. That is a good thing, and is part of the way the mind deals with bereavement. As one book I have says, "Sad is not bad" (this is an ongoing joke with Anastasia and me now). However, I am no longer distraught or out of control. I don't avoid mentioning Nick up where appropriate in conversation, and don't mind others doing so. This will sometimes make me emotional (especially after beer) but that's not something I consider cause for embarrassment on anyone's part and I'm pretty good at recovering ("Surf the wave, dude"). I'm also aware that many people reading this will also be affected by his death, and possibly unsure how to react or discuss it with me. I appreciate that a person can be affected by a death, even they don't feel that they knew the deceased as well. So if anyone does want to talk about his death, and how it has affected you as opposed to me, please let me know. It will help me to listen to other people's experience as well.
I saw the Levellers with Paul and Rob for a few weeks back, which is something I have done with Nick many times previously. That fact coupled with a few beers meant that I almost started to cry when they played 'Carry Me'. Fortunately a pre-warned Rob grabbed me and threw me into the mosh pit, where self-pity was less of a concern than self-defence. The vid below is them playing the same song at a gig in August. This is pretty much what I saw (including the blurred vision), dancing like crazy and jumping up and down with Rob and Paul, wishing Nick was there, incredibly happy and incredibly sad at the same time. Hope you like it.
Thanks again for everyone's support this year, it has really, really helped me.
Take care y'all, and have a excellent New Year.
Click to view* The Curse of Millhaven by Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds