thinking so much should be illegal
so i have been thinking again and here is some of what i have been thinking about. what else is knew. i think to much, and never take any action on it. nothing ever makes up for the lies really i have realized. nothing ever makes up for things that should have been said or done. nothing ever makes me completely happy. its almost like a physical and mental impossibility. its not that i dont want to forgive or be happy. i just cant let go of everything that was bad that was said or done. i cant forgive things that still are. and i cant forgive things that i know will happen. i know i think too much but i try not to. it frusterates me a lot, that its unserstood why, but is breezed over, and said please just try to do this for me. i dont really know what to say anymore or really how to feel. i was fine for so long. i was actually happy and satified. now not so much. its not that im not happy with what i get. cause i am. im extremely happy that for once i was kind of stood up for. its not even that have hate in my heart either, its just lots of hurt and a good amount of fears. i want to forgive and forget but i cant. its that i care so much, and i just cant stop that, and because i was stepped on so badly, its like i have had to do this, like keep up a shield. it was almost like i blocked everything out, let myself not believe things or just shurged everything off, i choosingly just stopped everything and left it behind. anymore i really cant. its hard to actually love someone to such a degree and hate them at the same time. thats how i am. everything falls into one of those categories. there is no inbetween. in a way what i hate most of all is when i am given a hug and not let go and told everything will be okay and get better. i know it is meant and coming from a good place... and not just being said, that in ways makes it bad u know. i am happy but at the same time completely miserable. i didnt espect anything... i still in ways dont, but now want certian things. its just like i let myself fall again... and i know i shouldnt have. i dont try for anything. i wouldnt do that, i cant in good concouis. if anything were to or had ever happened, you could rest assured i was not the one engaging the situation. even through everything... i dont wanna hurt anyones feelings but i can easily see mine getting crushed cause even though i close myself off im left wide open at the same time. i really dont know what i should do. all i want is the friendship but i cant help but wonder... i dunno. and then i have 3 other guys... good guys. i could date. and what do i do... i always sabatage that. i dont want the responsibility of someone elses feelings. i want to be able to do what i want when i want. i like to have someone to cuddle with and go places woth and laugh with and what not but i dont want a relationship i just dont. steve said to me this week dont say no to these people because of me. and i laughed. one cause he was so arrogant to think he would be the only reason why i wouldnt do so. and two cause he's partially the reason. by this i mean i have only loved him and greg. both relationships lasted a long time and after being broke up still lasted for a good while... i dont think im ready for that again. and truthfully i know id probably cheat on that person because i dont want a secluded re;ationship. and that would go against my beliefs. i had talked to ian bout this a few weeks ago and he said he doesnt think most guys would date me knowing that, and normally he wouldnt but he would cause he knew what type of person i am, and why i would be doing it. maybe its something i should do to kinda know do i really feel this way, is this what i really want. worse case scenario i could break up with that person and feel like a shitty person for doing so. i dunno i think id just like to know what was going to happen and then i would know what to do. god damnit why cant i be psychic, this world would be so much eaiser that way.