(no subject)
the need to vent is setting in, so be forwarned that the following entry contains a lot of bitching, bashing, breaking down, complaining and anything else i feel like doing. if you don't like it, don't read it.
so today was my doctor's appointment with doctor carey. you know, the one that was supposed to set my mind at ease, to make me feel better about being able to walk again and to more or less set a date for surgery to fix me up. but did i get any of that? no. i went, waited, had some xrays (i've had so many now that i swear i'm radioactive), waited, waited some more, saw dr. carey at which point he realized that he had forgotten about the whole spine shifting thing he had mentioned when i was in the hospital, waited some more, saw him again at which point he said i needed to see doctor ranger (neurosurgeon) before he would touch me. there was no regard for the fact that i haven't gotten to enjoy my summer, haven't walked by myself in a month, the fact that i've been on painkillers for a month or that my overall quality of life has just gone downhill ever since my stay in the hospital. perhaps he's right in making sure that i don't need anything done with my spinal cord before he goes and fuses it all up because once that's done, no one can touch my back ever again, but dammit. i don't have a life right now, and as optomistic and positive as i've been, and have been trying to be, it seems like all my efforts were pointless. i doubt whether i'm ever going to walk again without assistance, and that's a huge blow. it screws everything up. i wanted to be a nurse, but i sure as hell can't do that if i can't walk. i don't want to wait for answers, i want them now. i don't want to lose a year of school, but at this rate, that's what's going to happen. i don't want to be angry at myself, or at my mom, or at doctors or at all for that matter. i want to have fun, enjoy my life, do things that i enjoy, but because of surgeon error (and i don't give a damn how much he tries to say it's not his fault; he shouldn't have said everything would be okay) my life will remained screwed up for god knows how long. the funny thing is, i always thought that if stuff like this were to arrise, i would handle it no problem, but look at me now. i'm a complete wreck and on the verge of a complete breakdown. and yet i have to put on a happy face for my family and the people around me. otherwise i might upset them, or end up with a lecture about how it could be worse. sure, it could be worse, but dammit it should be better. i'm just going to stop now. i can't take this anymore, i feel like i've been completely betrayed by my body and the one doctor who i trusted. now i have to wait for who knows how long to get an appointment with a neurosurgeon, have her evaluate me, most likely send me back to doctor carey and then hopefully a surgery date will be booked, but who knows anymore. i know i sure don't. don't count on anything. i know i sure don't anymore.
so today was my doctor's appointment with doctor carey. you know, the one that was supposed to set my mind at ease, to make me feel better about being able to walk again and to more or less set a date for surgery to fix me up. but did i get any of that? no. i went, waited, had some xrays (i've had so many now that i swear i'm radioactive), waited, waited some more, saw dr. carey at which point he realized that he had forgotten about the whole spine shifting thing he had mentioned when i was in the hospital, waited some more, saw him again at which point he said i needed to see doctor ranger (neurosurgeon) before he would touch me. there was no regard for the fact that i haven't gotten to enjoy my summer, haven't walked by myself in a month, the fact that i've been on painkillers for a month or that my overall quality of life has just gone downhill ever since my stay in the hospital. perhaps he's right in making sure that i don't need anything done with my spinal cord before he goes and fuses it all up because once that's done, no one can touch my back ever again, but dammit. i don't have a life right now, and as optomistic and positive as i've been, and have been trying to be, it seems like all my efforts were pointless. i doubt whether i'm ever going to walk again without assistance, and that's a huge blow. it screws everything up. i wanted to be a nurse, but i sure as hell can't do that if i can't walk. i don't want to wait for answers, i want them now. i don't want to lose a year of school, but at this rate, that's what's going to happen. i don't want to be angry at myself, or at my mom, or at doctors or at all for that matter. i want to have fun, enjoy my life, do things that i enjoy, but because of surgeon error (and i don't give a damn how much he tries to say it's not his fault; he shouldn't have said everything would be okay) my life will remained screwed up for god knows how long. the funny thing is, i always thought that if stuff like this were to arrise, i would handle it no problem, but look at me now. i'm a complete wreck and on the verge of a complete breakdown. and yet i have to put on a happy face for my family and the people around me. otherwise i might upset them, or end up with a lecture about how it could be worse. sure, it could be worse, but dammit it should be better. i'm just going to stop now. i can't take this anymore, i feel like i've been completely betrayed by my body and the one doctor who i trusted. now i have to wait for who knows how long to get an appointment with a neurosurgeon, have her evaluate me, most likely send me back to doctor carey and then hopefully a surgery date will be booked, but who knows anymore. i know i sure don't. don't count on anything. i know i sure don't anymore.