An artist is never satisfied.
Another rant. Sorry.
Lately i've been feeling depressed and overwelmed with everthing, especially my art. I just don't feel like doing anything with my art. And it seems like everyone in all my classes has something going for them. They all know what they want to do. While i'm sitting here, with my head hurting, being frustrated, with a fucking plastered smile on my face pretending i'm happy and i know what i'm doing. And not one idea is coming out my head yet everyone seems to think I have "so many options to work with". I just want to cry or scream or do something! I can't even think straight. It's like i'm not here all of a sudden and i don't know what to do. And what's worse is that i can't just take a break or relax for a while because I have so much to do and think about. And a part of me is scared what people will think or say about what i do because it seems like in every critique of every class, all i get is bad feedback or no feedback at all. Just blank, empty stares.
My work is boring, mundane, and it has no meaning, like myself.
In just one day, i've had 2 different professors tell me something is wrong with me or that i'm not doing enough in class.
I'm sick of it!
I'm just too goddamn technical with everything! I have to be a fucking perfectionist, and when things don't work out, i'm screwed. And i can't get myself to think out of the box no matter what i do. I'm a damn robot. And I'm so pressed for time with EVERYTHING! My classes prevent me from seeing anyone or asking for help. So right now I needed to call my mom, but she was asleep. And noone in my dorm knows what i'm going through. And I feel like I can't express to my art professor or my classmates what i want to do because they don't understand and it's hard to communicate to about 25 people at night who are probably tired and ready to go home what I'm tring to do. And I never was a great talker to begin with.
It's killing me.
And noone in that class, not one person, knows how fucking hard it is for me every week to come up with something and organize things so I don't have a nervous breakdown in my classes. NOONE. And there are people in that class who bullshit every week yet i work my ass off thinking about everything, taking out every single art book in the library for ideas, sketching every day, writing things down, and wasting ALL of my money on supplies!
But i'm still not happy. Noone is happy with anything. I'm so down right now. A part of me wants to quit being an artist all together.
Seriously, anyone who thinks being an artist is sooooo easy and all you do is paint pretty pictures needs to have their head examined.
Then when I go home, there will probably be a million things going on at home i have to deal with. I fucking hate this all...
It's just really
difficult
and
depressing.
And I wanna cry to someone or hug someone right now. But i'm alone...As usual.
Sucks to be me....
I need therapy. Pronto.
Lately i've been feeling depressed and overwelmed with everthing, especially my art. I just don't feel like doing anything with my art. And it seems like everyone in all my classes has something going for them. They all know what they want to do. While i'm sitting here, with my head hurting, being frustrated, with a fucking plastered smile on my face pretending i'm happy and i know what i'm doing. And not one idea is coming out my head yet everyone seems to think I have "so many options to work with". I just want to cry or scream or do something! I can't even think straight. It's like i'm not here all of a sudden and i don't know what to do. And what's worse is that i can't just take a break or relax for a while because I have so much to do and think about. And a part of me is scared what people will think or say about what i do because it seems like in every critique of every class, all i get is bad feedback or no feedback at all. Just blank, empty stares.
My work is boring, mundane, and it has no meaning, like myself.
In just one day, i've had 2 different professors tell me something is wrong with me or that i'm not doing enough in class.
I'm sick of it!
I'm just too goddamn technical with everything! I have to be a fucking perfectionist, and when things don't work out, i'm screwed. And i can't get myself to think out of the box no matter what i do. I'm a damn robot. And I'm so pressed for time with EVERYTHING! My classes prevent me from seeing anyone or asking for help. So right now I needed to call my mom, but she was asleep. And noone in my dorm knows what i'm going through. And I feel like I can't express to my art professor or my classmates what i want to do because they don't understand and it's hard to communicate to about 25 people at night who are probably tired and ready to go home what I'm tring to do. And I never was a great talker to begin with.
It's killing me.
And noone in that class, not one person, knows how fucking hard it is for me every week to come up with something and organize things so I don't have a nervous breakdown in my classes. NOONE. And there are people in that class who bullshit every week yet i work my ass off thinking about everything, taking out every single art book in the library for ideas, sketching every day, writing things down, and wasting ALL of my money on supplies!
But i'm still not happy. Noone is happy with anything. I'm so down right now. A part of me wants to quit being an artist all together.
Seriously, anyone who thinks being an artist is sooooo easy and all you do is paint pretty pictures needs to have their head examined.
Then when I go home, there will probably be a million things going on at home i have to deal with. I fucking hate this all...
It's just really
difficult
and
depressing.
And I wanna cry to someone or hug someone right now. But i'm alone...As usual.
Sucks to be me....
I need therapy. Pronto.