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con·fu·sion (k
n-fy
zh
n) n. 1. a) Impaired orientation with respect to time, place, or person; a disturbed mental state.
hm.. well, its 7:53, so i guess ive got the time thing down. im at home.. so, the place things a go too. person? im me.. right? so i guess i'm clear on that one. but, a disturbed mental state...? that must be it.. i must be in a disturbed mental state.. i know what time it is, where i am, and who i am.. so its got to be that.
today in its entirety has left me in far beyond a normal state of confusion. just when i think ive figured things out!... sumthing else comes up, and im right back to square one. maybe thats the beauty of all of this; maybe i'll never figure out life, or its meaning, or.. why im participating in it at all. maybe i wont ever get things just right, and maybe i wont ever be not confused... i dont know. but to be blunt, i dont care, either. i dont want to understand any of these feelings. i dont want to know what everyone else has to say. i dont want people telling me what to do, what to think, how to act.. i want everyone to shut up and listen. i dont want to be at fault for things that im not sure i had anything to do with in the first place, and i dont want to take the blame for everyones short comings. i dont want you to love me, and i dont want to love you. i dont want anyone to care about me, because it seems that all that does is mess things up. i just want people to understand me.so u can all start by understanding this: i dont want you to want me, or need me, or like me, or.. or anything like that. it doesnt make a difference to me anyway. i want you to know that im not the kind of person to forgive and forget. im vindictive in all of the worst ways. i can be selfish, and im a total bitch. ive used people, and ive been used. ill tell u that i care about you, if itll make u happy. im a huge fucking people pleaser, and ill do anything to put a smile on sumones face. half of what i say isnt true...most of it is in some form or another a white lie. i dont trust anyone, and i dont care whether or not anyone trusts me. i hate fitting in, and i hate everyone who ever let me. im a complete hypocrit. im all for animal rights, and going all out to protect the environment, but i smoke cigarettes. i lecture people on the horrible consequences of recreational drug use, but i dont think more than two days have passed where i havent toked up, shot up, snorted, or drank. im a total drug fiend, and forty ozs has always meant sum kind of freedom. my criminal record goes from the floor to my waiste. ive been totally unfaithful to more than one of my boyfriends, and i dont think ive said a truthful thing to my parents in ages. im more violent then half of the people i know, but i'll preach to u about how horrible it is to inflict physical pain on a person.
ugh, there are a thousand other things that i want to say... but um.. phone.. so, itll have ta wait.