Don't Cry, It Means Your Weak.
I feel completely devistated right now. I can't even begin to explain the depths of sorrow I am currently swimming through. Its so merky I can't see and my heart floats further and further away from me. Everything I thought he fixed about me just went up in flames. The parts I felt most proud of. The parts I was finally beginning to love about me.
We had a very long and deep conversation about how well we truely know each other and how insanely awesome it feels to have found someone so purely loving enough to care and to understand. How perfect we are in that sense and how we know we can deffinately work through anything and then in the blink of an eye he takes my breath away in sheer horror as he completely contradicts everything he has told me.
I came to him because he let me feel like I could. I came to him about the feelings I've been having lately. Its hit that time of year that I always feel crappy around. And I told him I thought it was because of my past with my "mom". I got alot of stuff out that made me feel better and relieved and happy that I could come to him with but then he told me something that broke my heart. He told me I didnt make it easy to get to know and that it was my own fault she stopped talking to me last year. My whole life I have felt like it was my fault. I was the reason she left, I was the one to blame because I wasnt good enough to want or love, and he finally made me feel like I could let that go. I started cutting because other people brought out those insecurities in me and made me feel like I needed to punish myself for not being good enough. He made it all better. He made me put that blade away and show'd me I could be loved. I didn't blame myself anymore. When he told me that... he put me right back to where I was. I wanted to pick up that blade in that moment and go postal on myself. I didnt. I couldnt. Who am I? Why would he tell me that? He then went on to say most insensitively... well he first asked me when I started my period. I told him a few days ago and he told me "good. I can be out of this emotional train wreck soon" AFTER telling me he liked that I cried because for once in my life it showed that I could feel something.
My two hugest flaws in myself. Crying and being emotionless. I feel like all the progress I made may have been completely stripped away. I hurt so bad inside right now I seriously can't begin to explain and you'd probably never know because I'm not crying. I'm not going to cry anymore. Its better not to feel because then people cant make fun of you for it or make you feel like its not okay. I loved that about him sooo much too. Being able to feel. Now I wish I didn't feel this intense pain. I guess we'll see if this goes away or if he makes it better. I don't know what I want or need right now. I asked him to hold me and he sounded so cold about it. How did he go from being so perfect about everything to so cold and hurtful? Why did he tell me those things. Did he think it would make me feel better? I wish I knew what to do or feel... but I'm now numb. God I don't want to be this person again but its so hard not to when the one person that put all those broken peices back together and showed you yer better than that completely goes the opposit direction. Can someone please point me in the right one?
We had a very long and deep conversation about how well we truely know each other and how insanely awesome it feels to have found someone so purely loving enough to care and to understand. How perfect we are in that sense and how we know we can deffinately work through anything and then in the blink of an eye he takes my breath away in sheer horror as he completely contradicts everything he has told me.
I came to him because he let me feel like I could. I came to him about the feelings I've been having lately. Its hit that time of year that I always feel crappy around. And I told him I thought it was because of my past with my "mom". I got alot of stuff out that made me feel better and relieved and happy that I could come to him with but then he told me something that broke my heart. He told me I didnt make it easy to get to know and that it was my own fault she stopped talking to me last year. My whole life I have felt like it was my fault. I was the reason she left, I was the one to blame because I wasnt good enough to want or love, and he finally made me feel like I could let that go. I started cutting because other people brought out those insecurities in me and made me feel like I needed to punish myself for not being good enough. He made it all better. He made me put that blade away and show'd me I could be loved. I didn't blame myself anymore. When he told me that... he put me right back to where I was. I wanted to pick up that blade in that moment and go postal on myself. I didnt. I couldnt. Who am I? Why would he tell me that? He then went on to say most insensitively... well he first asked me when I started my period. I told him a few days ago and he told me "good. I can be out of this emotional train wreck soon" AFTER telling me he liked that I cried because for once in my life it showed that I could feel something.
My two hugest flaws in myself. Crying and being emotionless. I feel like all the progress I made may have been completely stripped away. I hurt so bad inside right now I seriously can't begin to explain and you'd probably never know because I'm not crying. I'm not going to cry anymore. Its better not to feel because then people cant make fun of you for it or make you feel like its not okay. I loved that about him sooo much too. Being able to feel. Now I wish I didn't feel this intense pain. I guess we'll see if this goes away or if he makes it better. I don't know what I want or need right now. I asked him to hold me and he sounded so cold about it. How did he go from being so perfect about everything to so cold and hurtful? Why did he tell me those things. Did he think it would make me feel better? I wish I knew what to do or feel... but I'm now numb. God I don't want to be this person again but its so hard not to when the one person that put all those broken peices back together and showed you yer better than that completely goes the opposit direction. Can someone please point me in the right one?