(no subject)
I'm having some rediculously intense emotions going through my head tonight. I've realized lately that I've been getting my feelings hurt a lot more easily. I won't realize their hurt at the time but later I'll feel sad and an image of early in the day when I felt hurt will imediately come up in my mind. I love Mrs. Esther, more than most any adult figure in my life (other than my parents) but I get my perspective scewed...that's what she is, she's an adult...she's not my friend. We'll have these great conversations sometimes that make me think, weird she opened up to me maybe we are friends. But then I realize that I'm in the same category to her as any other student. If I cross alone, she'll ruin me, if I'm being ripped apart by any other house mother no matter how injust or if she has admitted to knowing their wrong, she won't defend me. I also realized that she's one of the most clever people I've ever met about being completely two faced. She'll sing praises about someone to a person she knows will want to hear it and then rip on them to someone she knows will agree. She's so much more of a people pleaser than I thought. I think that's why I had so much respect for her in the first place, loving her strength as an individual her fearless attitude of other peoples opinions...yeah she comes across that way, but wow...she just isn't. That's not even an opinionated statement...if you get to know her, you'll probably see what I'm saying. It just completely knocked the wind out of my sales. I looked up to her, I had so much respect and then I find out that in some ways, she's just completely full of shit, and that she thinks the exact same thing about me. I still love her despite this fight inside of my mind about her and our relationship. I'll never trust her like I did, but I'll always love her, I can't help it.
I don't think there's an unbareable amount of things wrong with my life. There's actualy a lot of posotive things going for me right now. Still haven't smoked. I'm really proud of myself for that, it feels good to be proud of myself for something I give myself little reason to feel that way. There's something in itself...I'm sick of feeling bad about myself. I'm sick of being a jackass to everyone all the time, but then again I feel almost trapped into it because it's what's expected, and sure yeah doing what's unexpected is definately fun and shock factor is fantastic fun...but if it's really ALL people expect from you it's like changing that makes you seem fake. I feel like I've built up a wall around myself of letting people see my more real side. I'm so focussed on having fun in school, being a smart ass, joking around, being sick and mean...I'm not only like that. Why am I writting that, am I trying to reassure myself? Or is what I used to consider some what of my image what has really become who I am?
I would really like to work on my spirituality, I know I've said that before and it never happens...maybe that will be the case now. I don't know. I don't want to get all up into our religion, I'm not ready for that in this phase of my life, but I'd really like to apply some of the more common religious ideas to my life...maybe just keeping them good old 10 commandments in mind would do me good. Also I don't remember what it's from but I'm constantly hearing that schpeal about is it good and is it usful...I love it...and I fucking hate it. I love it cause it's so easily applied...and I hate it because through applying it and reminding myself of it almost nothing I do answers yes to that concept. Which means that I'm not living a very useful life, and therefore not fulfilling the purpose that I was put here for.
I've really enjoyed leadership so far. It's true it's a lot of notes, but I think so many of the life leasons they cover are relavent and helpful to young people. I definately wasn't expecting to hear things that triggered deep thought in me while attending this class but my opinion has been altered.
I'm becoming thouraly confused as to what I have and haven't written in here, it's pretty much been a random tangent of thoughts, sometime I should collect my thoughts more carefuly and write a more acurate livejournal as to where I am. It seems to be one of the few places I allow myself to be serious seeing as I've been talking to people less and less about my problems. That was one thing Mrs. Esther taught me that I clung to...even if your hurting you have to keep in mind you're the reason your crying, your emotions, your feelings...no one else can MAKE you cry, your tearducts aren't fossit taps that can be turned on and off without your willing them too. I guess it's kinda like when someone hits you in the face with something...maybe kicks a shoe at you, and it hits you in the nose you'll tear up because it's automatic, but if you thought about it, you could stop it, you can force yourself to be brave. So through this attitude I've taken out that you can't cry in front of people that don't love you. The tears will further their victory, satesfy their argument, and prove to them that your nothing more than a coward. I want to be able to cry in front of my enemies when they hurt me. I don't really care if it only makes them happier. I need people to know when I'm hurting, and I don't really know how else to depict it than to cry. As I was saying, due to peoples outlook on me...my words are somewhat meaningless, so maybe someday if I just start crying in school while I'm talking...it'll click. They'll understand that I'm not just a joke, not just a feelingless shell...things do hurt me, things DO phase me, I love, I loath, I understand, I misunderstand, I listen, I hear...
Too bad it won't happen. I'm trained. I've trained myself into exactly what I thought I wanted to be. The person I am is nothing like what I should be, or what I now want to be. I guess this is what regeneration will be for me. Retracing and fixing everything I've broken by my own two hands.
I don't think there's an unbareable amount of things wrong with my life. There's actualy a lot of posotive things going for me right now. Still haven't smoked. I'm really proud of myself for that, it feels good to be proud of myself for something I give myself little reason to feel that way. There's something in itself...I'm sick of feeling bad about myself. I'm sick of being a jackass to everyone all the time, but then again I feel almost trapped into it because it's what's expected, and sure yeah doing what's unexpected is definately fun and shock factor is fantastic fun...but if it's really ALL people expect from you it's like changing that makes you seem fake. I feel like I've built up a wall around myself of letting people see my more real side. I'm so focussed on having fun in school, being a smart ass, joking around, being sick and mean...I'm not only like that. Why am I writting that, am I trying to reassure myself? Or is what I used to consider some what of my image what has really become who I am?
I would really like to work on my spirituality, I know I've said that before and it never happens...maybe that will be the case now. I don't know. I don't want to get all up into our religion, I'm not ready for that in this phase of my life, but I'd really like to apply some of the more common religious ideas to my life...maybe just keeping them good old 10 commandments in mind would do me good. Also I don't remember what it's from but I'm constantly hearing that schpeal about is it good and is it usful...I love it...and I fucking hate it. I love it cause it's so easily applied...and I hate it because through applying it and reminding myself of it almost nothing I do answers yes to that concept. Which means that I'm not living a very useful life, and therefore not fulfilling the purpose that I was put here for.
I've really enjoyed leadership so far. It's true it's a lot of notes, but I think so many of the life leasons they cover are relavent and helpful to young people. I definately wasn't expecting to hear things that triggered deep thought in me while attending this class but my opinion has been altered.
I'm becoming thouraly confused as to what I have and haven't written in here, it's pretty much been a random tangent of thoughts, sometime I should collect my thoughts more carefuly and write a more acurate livejournal as to where I am. It seems to be one of the few places I allow myself to be serious seeing as I've been talking to people less and less about my problems. That was one thing Mrs. Esther taught me that I clung to...even if your hurting you have to keep in mind you're the reason your crying, your emotions, your feelings...no one else can MAKE you cry, your tearducts aren't fossit taps that can be turned on and off without your willing them too. I guess it's kinda like when someone hits you in the face with something...maybe kicks a shoe at you, and it hits you in the nose you'll tear up because it's automatic, but if you thought about it, you could stop it, you can force yourself to be brave. So through this attitude I've taken out that you can't cry in front of people that don't love you. The tears will further their victory, satesfy their argument, and prove to them that your nothing more than a coward. I want to be able to cry in front of my enemies when they hurt me. I don't really care if it only makes them happier. I need people to know when I'm hurting, and I don't really know how else to depict it than to cry. As I was saying, due to peoples outlook on me...my words are somewhat meaningless, so maybe someday if I just start crying in school while I'm talking...it'll click. They'll understand that I'm not just a joke, not just a feelingless shell...things do hurt me, things DO phase me, I love, I loath, I understand, I misunderstand, I listen, I hear...
Too bad it won't happen. I'm trained. I've trained myself into exactly what I thought I wanted to be. The person I am is nothing like what I should be, or what I now want to be. I guess this is what regeneration will be for me. Retracing and fixing everything I've broken by my own two hands.