I don't think i can
Theres way to much going on right now, i don't even know where to begin in my head, any time i try to start to explain what im feeling, i just can't, i end up crying, and thats not the person i am, or even want to be. I just feel so stupid right now, and don't have a clue where to start or where to go, i have soooo many people who tell me how much they love and/or care for me, and yet most of them don't even give me the time of day, or hold me out, or lie to me, or make up stupid excuses why they can't hang out with me, if you dont want to, thats cool, i would rather be investing my time and evergy into relationships that are equal, and right now i feel like there are 3 MAYBE 4 freindships right now that offer that. My family keeps telling me that i'll figure out who my real freinds are when the party stops, i dont want the party to stop, bc i dont want to know who they are/arnt. Why is it that only the people that mean so much to you are the only ones who can hurt you. How come i feel alone when i go to bed? How come my family consists of two ppl, both of whom are my peers, why don't i have someone looking over me, why dont i have family who come on the weekend, who inconvinience themselves for me, drive me to dentists apointments, how come my family is dead to me. I know im not the only kid to put their dad in the ground, but how come i feel like i burried more then my dad that day. Why am i already putting another family member in the ground. Why can't i do something that seems right to my family, why do i just fuck everything up, why can't i stop crying. I can't be there for people when i can't be there for myself. I want ppl to knock from now on, i used to leave my place and self open for anyone, i can't keep doing that if people feel they can leave just as easily as they can come in. They always say a relationship is 50/50, where are my 50/50's? How come i only have a few, you can read this and think what is he talking about, but i dont want you to respond to this, esp since most of you have not been a 50/50, maybe i didnt want you to be a 50/50, but maybe its bc you never gave me a reason to want that. Everytime i feel like i've found someone that i might want that from, they push me away, and i just can't keep looking for things i won't find