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Nov 29, 2004 22:01

tonight i saw my new pdoc who is actually a nurse practitioner.she added yet another medicene to my ever growing list of drugs (wellbutrin,lamictal,trazadone and now lexapro.lexapro is an ssri.i hate ssri's.last time i was on one i gained weight and couldnt have orgasms.i told her that i refused to gain any weight or make my sex life any worse than ( Read more... )

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ccatsunfl0wer November 30 2004, 13:20:31 UTC
He sounds like he has no self esteem, so he's trying to rid you of yours as well. If you start thinking you are worth nothing, stupid, etc., you won't leave him because you won't think you can do better. Ohh the mindfucking, I've been through it more times than I care to admit to.

Don't let him project his issues onto yourself.

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xchinadesadex November 30 2004, 15:34:32 UTC
you're very perceptive.that's exactly what it is and ive always known it but knowing doesn't change it so i live with it.he has lower self-esteem than i do,and i have none!

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ccatsunfl0wer December 1 2004, 05:28:55 UTC
I only know because my husband and I did it to eachother for years and years before we actually broke the cycle. That stuff about loving yourself before you can love anyone else is very, very true. And as drug addicts, we usually have some sort of issue with our self worth, which turns into name calling and mental abuse to our partner.

Wugh I just sounded like my therapist. :(

I won't say leave him, run away or anyhthing like that. People used to bet that my husband and I wouldn't make it another 6 months, but we did. First we had drugs in common, then we quit and both started growing in separate directions, and then when we got to love ourselves we were able to love eachother. /ramble

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amante_donne December 1 2004, 10:33:04 UTC
I suppose I’m covering old ground and you have probably discussed this with others, but have you tried to look into the root cause of why you have no self-esteem? Sometimes I look at myself and feel pissed off about certain things, but its never been that intense for me. I certainly don’t think that your partner helps, if he puts you down at every opportunity and if he has, and I quote “a lower self-esteem than you and you have none” what chance will you ever have of getting any self esteem if all you do is suffer verbal abuse from your partner.

Has there ever a point in time, in the past where you were a carefree person, without any of this medication, is it the medication that makes you really anxious, or have you always been a shy sort of person. I hope I aint offending you by asking stuff like this, I just want to try and understand.

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xchinadesadex December 1 2004, 16:43:57 UTC
you can ask me anything,its easy for me to open up here since im writing and not talking ( ... )

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ccatsunfl0wer December 2 2004, 04:26:25 UTC
But you two do have eachother, and I honestly think in time, when you both heal from the addictin, you guys will be ok.

I was very shy growing up, found sports and found out I was good at them, and got my self esteem through that. Definitely didn't get it from my home life. My mom was there, but she made it clear that I was the devil's spawn and she was just waiting for me to crack. So of course I cracked, started doing every self destructive thing I could, and I am still doing it to this day. IRL I am outspoken, I can even seem a bit agressive I suppose. Meds have calmed me down a ton, but I still feel like I walk a thin line, you know? I don't have many friends, I don't want them. I hate having people depend on me, I can't stand it. I burn bridges more than I should, and for reasons that are silly.

I am also an online psychiatrist, so take what I say with a grain of salt. lol I can't help myself sometimes. ;)

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xchinadesadex December 2 2004, 16:01:54 UTC
sometimes i think that people who have been through something know more than someone who takes years of college.i would love to be an adolescent drug counselor.believe it or not i really didnt know until recently that a large percentage of drug counselors are recovered addicts/alcoholics.it makes sense though.

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Amazing. lucidacceptance December 4 2004, 17:20:27 UTC
I want to run a methadone clinic here in my county some day (as in, after I get the appropriate graduate school education whatever that is. Story for another day). We have the University of Michigan, Eastern Michigan University, Washtenaw Community College, and fer Chrissakes, we have the City of Ann Arbor (hello ex-hippie heroin junkies from the 1960's who still live here although many of them are sleeping under bridges or in homeless shelters) and yet we have NO METHADONE CLINIC WITHIN 50 MILES!! UN-FUCKING-BELIEVEABLE IMO!!!

And before I open and run the clinic, I need to spend a few years doing the front-line service delivery such as counseling clients (addicts, but it seems so much more humanizing to refer to them as "clients," don't you think?) That is what the extra college training is for. I already have a Bachelor's Degree in Public Administration which will help with grant-writing, etc.

Any-who, I think you would make a superb rehabilitation counselor.

So would your_w0rst_bet and ccatsunflower.

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amante_donne December 2 2004, 11:27:49 UTC
I think all kids are shy to some extent when young, I know as babies they tend to have no fear at all, as they know no danger, eating dirt. Playing with matches etc and stuff like that as they begin to learn and become aware of their surroundings, but then as they get older I think most kids will become shy in some way or another, I know with my two kids when we took them to their new school, they were scared and clutching, but then after a few days they were used to it and they had forgotten what all the fuss was about. I suppose some kids are naturally really extrovert but I think that is the exception rather than the norm ( ... )

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xchinadesadex December 2 2004, 16:25:06 UTC
the last time i cut was when i was 5 mths pregnant.i had a very rough pregnancy,i was ambivilent(sp)about my pregnancy because i never wanted kids and pete relapsed when i was 2 mths.it made me go out of my mind watching him come home high and i couldn't do any,so i was very "unstable" at the time.we got in some very physical fights.one time when i 4mths along he punched me in the lower back.that has never happened again because i beat the shit out of him and left him with lumps on his head and some bruises.he isnt violent except when he is on drugs.but so am i ( ... )

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