vent.
so here i am. foggy-eyed after crying all day. i dont know what all of this has come to. i feel like living is hopeless but dieing isnt an option. everytime i started crying today, i kept seeing this image of my arm and me taking a safety pin carving lines in my arm as they fill up with blood. why am i having this image replayed in my head?
im not happy with myself. a matter of fact, ive grown to hate myself. wats new. i question whether being entered into a mental institution would help or not. maybe i am a nutcase that deserves to be locked up and sent away. i have no friends where i live. and my mom is showing signs of hatred towards me. all she does is yell, nag, scream, slam doors at me. my dad is fed up with me. what the hell am i suppose to do? all i ahve is my best friend and boyfriend. and theyre a whole hour away! [tears fall.]
i dont know how many more entries im going to write on how miserable i am here in clarksville. i dont know if this is my millionth and last one... or if this is just my millionth one that will be followed by another tomorrow. but what i do know is that im tired of faking this smile. and im tired of being so sad all the time.
im trying to give myself a better outlook on life. for the past two-weeks ive been carefree going by the statements: "dont take life for granted" ... "you only live once" ... "you're not promised tomorrow"... but when things like what happend today come up.. its hard. i tried to tell myself, dont spend your days crying spend them rejoicing. but ya know, i dont really find it so easy to do. once im okay. im back to crying.
i took a couple of new kids under my wing at beech and led them to groups of friends. two of them being Ricki & Bethani. I tried to help them fit in as much as possible. And here I am. The new kid, and God doesn't place anyone in my life to take me under there wing. Now, in someways im so pissed off at God i cant see straight and in others im trying to figure out what the hell he wants to do with me in this shithole.
this entry is going nowhere, but i needed to vent. so. im done.
im not happy with myself. a matter of fact, ive grown to hate myself. wats new. i question whether being entered into a mental institution would help or not. maybe i am a nutcase that deserves to be locked up and sent away. i have no friends where i live. and my mom is showing signs of hatred towards me. all she does is yell, nag, scream, slam doors at me. my dad is fed up with me. what the hell am i suppose to do? all i ahve is my best friend and boyfriend. and theyre a whole hour away! [tears fall.]
i dont know how many more entries im going to write on how miserable i am here in clarksville. i dont know if this is my millionth and last one... or if this is just my millionth one that will be followed by another tomorrow. but what i do know is that im tired of faking this smile. and im tired of being so sad all the time.
im trying to give myself a better outlook on life. for the past two-weeks ive been carefree going by the statements: "dont take life for granted" ... "you only live once" ... "you're not promised tomorrow"... but when things like what happend today come up.. its hard. i tried to tell myself, dont spend your days crying spend them rejoicing. but ya know, i dont really find it so easy to do. once im okay. im back to crying.
i took a couple of new kids under my wing at beech and led them to groups of friends. two of them being Ricki & Bethani. I tried to help them fit in as much as possible. And here I am. The new kid, and God doesn't place anyone in my life to take me under there wing. Now, in someways im so pissed off at God i cant see straight and in others im trying to figure out what the hell he wants to do with me in this shithole.
this entry is going nowhere, but i needed to vent. so. im done.