rambling ahoy!

[xberserkerx]

hm hm hm. so, having just been given the 'friend' talk, it was now my turn to give it. ugh. i hate things like this. i hate feeling like i've failed on a massive level. i do like this guy. i've actually had a crush on him since i met him, but i still have feelings for my ex, and i was recently in a soccer accident that resulted in my collarbone getting broken. i'm not a huge believer in 'signs' or stuff like that. i don't know if i really buy into the 'if it's meant to be it will be' junk that a lot of people tell me these days. but i think there is a lesson of humility in this that i should be paying attention to. i think i do want to get back together with my ex, but i understand that a lot of changes need to happen first. well, not changes as much as growing up and learning how to communicate and interact with other people on a deeper level. i dunno. that's really vague, but i do have a lot of growing up to do in terms of learning to appreciate myself and accepting that other people do like me for more than just comic relief like i assume. there are people who care about me and don't consider me an inconvenience or a burden (besides family, who are kinda obligated to anyways, lol). i will also learn that i don't have to do everything myself, that i can depend on other people and that i don't have to give everyone a way out. one of my friends here is going through a really tough break up, and i keep giving her advice that i need to take myself. i have to a certain extent, but just... i dunno. sometimes i look back at who i was a year ago or 4 years ago and i'm like "yay! look how far i've come!" but then i look at me now and how i handle situations and relationships and interacting with people in general, and it's a daunting and sobering experience to see how far i have yet to go. >_< i'm whining a lot now, sorry. meh. having a broken collarbone and being on drugs doesn't make that any better, lol!

ah well. it'll get better. i just have to get there and be open to trying and working on myself.

damn, i can't wait to go home and see my family. >_