Not too much longer...
Alright well today everything fell into place.
I finally realized what I didnt want to be true. Is. I have been making excuses for him. Always hoping hes not that guy and things will be back to how they were. He likes me and hes not going to hurt me. Not like this.
Im so fucking dumb. I didnt even really think I liked him enough to be hurt. But I guess I must have. Or maybe it was all the lies that hurt me because I didnt expect them. Our entire relationship has evolved around his lies lately. Things that its sad he would even lie about. John told me his dad was hurt and in the hospital in Florida and he was going to see him and thats why he ditched me. Well turns out he was here. Out drinking at the bars with his friends. So i had to hunt him down today of course even thoguh we were gunna "chill" and I asked him all about it. He admitted he lied, but couldnt tell me why. He couldnt tell me if he wanted to keep talking to me or not even though he likes me. Because he enjoys going out with his sister and friends and getting drunk. And he doesnt think that he can talk to me and do that because "Things happen when you are drunk" Which means with girls. Ummmm yeah.
Stupid ass me still wants things to be normal again with him and I, but I know that will never happen and it would be stupid of me because now I know what its all really about. I dont know I asked him if he wants to keep talking to me or not and he says he doesnt know. I told him he cant jsut tell me he doesnt know. He said he will call me. I know he wont. Maybe that should be my hint. Am i supposed to have to keep finding him so that he can jsut keep saying he doesnt know.
I dont know I keep making excuses and keeping hope. Maybe he will say he wanna keep talking to me. I DONT KNOW WHY I WANT THAT. Why do I always throw myself at the mercy of these people that have proven myself to not share the feelings with me. Not that I love the kid. But I was happy ya kno?
On top of this. I feel lonly. I dont know its just things happend today that made me feel like Im by myself. The one person I have always relied on for anything has now found someone to put in my place. Which makes me second. And most of my friends i talk to I dont wana call because Im upset. And they will jsut be like " I told you so. Just fuck him and forget about it." I CANT IM UPSET! I dont know what to do. Ive been depressed so much lately on top of it. NOT because of John, but everything and I jsut feel numb. Like everything is going grey again. After I was just convinced things were great. I knew i shudnt have thought being happy was going to last. Well here we go again.
Im sorry this is long but this is how i get my feelings out.
I dont think about the future. Because I dont want a tomorrow. Because tomorrow will be just like today.