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[xarificus]

i have heard the story jeremy, and i wasn't trying to be bitchy. I was genuinely cut when you didn't say hi to me the other night. The thing is i did consider us friends. The only reason i never came out to ur place all the time was beacause of all the drugs being consumed there.That and i couldn't escape the feeling that u felt used when every1

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[devil_in_heaven]

the thing i've learned most this past year, xar, is that i don't hold grudges against people for things that they do, provided i lash out at them and don't hold in what i need to say at the time. and my world is populated by such an odd mix of people, especially now, that i'd be a blind fool if i thought i could always predict the future.

a prime example of this, i said last nite to andrew: "if someone had told me at the start of 2004 that by year's end, everyone i know in this house (a lot of people) would be completely gone, and that andrew would not only be my primary friend, but also the catalyst for the biggest transformation of my life so far, i would have denied that it was possible."

after all, people come and go from here as surely as the sun rises and sets. if one person or even half leave, within a few days they'd be replaced. that was always how it seemed to work and that was what we believed. besides which, andrew had disrespected me so badly towards the end of 2003 that our friendship had to be dissolved (after knowing each other for only a couple of months), and as far as i was concerned, he was dead.

how wrong i would have been. not only did he return into my life in such a way that, even though i hated what had happened in 2003, i could only forgive him for being away, but he turned out to be the most significant person who ever walked into my path. there is no way i can explain why this is so, it just is. and i suspect that the most amazing moment of my life would not have happened as it did if he hadn't come back the way he did.

i would have missed out on something magnificent if i'd been so begrudging that i didn't give him the opportunity to make up for what he'd done. this to me is proof positive that for all i can know, for all i can dream up, and for all the intellect in the world that i can utilise, there is still more going on that i cannot possibly see.

i guess what i'm saying in a kind of riddle is that i don't hate you xar. i found it weird that you, of all people, would come out with such a barbed comment to me, when as far as i could recall, you never had before.

there's no reason why we can't (continue to) be friends. sure, i'm a bit different to how i used to be (you know how recovery processes change you). i'm not very tolerant of people being on anything around me, even alcohol can be a bit distressing if people can't control their neediness around me. but what i've endured recently has shown me that there isn't much i couldn't do if i just let it happen.

so take care xar.. don't panic or stress too much.

oh and btw.. next time you see me, get my attention :P sometimes i'm wandering home or whatever and don't see anything at all, due to the quantum physics that i'm conjuring up or the fears that plague me about people i know losing their minds to crystal.