time...
My grandmother always used to say that time is an illusion. So much of my life right now seems to be hanging by the threads of time. This is not somewhere I want to be. I want control of my life..I want to be active in it's progress. Waiting doesn't help me. Unfortunately, I'm beginning to realize that anything but waiting is making things worse.
I've never been good at figuring out when to let go and when to hold on. I keep people in my life that are damaging to me for way too long. And I don't make enough of an effort with the people that aren't. I'm really bad at reading people. I generally feel like I'm going to be interrupting or annoying someone with my efforts to keep in touch regularly. Some of the people that have had the biggest impact on my life seem to be slipping away. I mean, sure, they'll always be there for me...but they're never actually here for me. Friends from high school that I thought I would always have drift away. I don't seem to be a part of their lives anymore, but there is still an empty place in my heart that I hold for them. I have wonderful friends that I talk to maybe once or twice a year. Is that all they want? All they have time for? Or just the way it's going to be?
I don't know where I stand with people. I wish real communication wasn't so hard to find. I want to respect peoples needs, but I also want them to know that I care. When someone feels really close to me and seems to truly care about who I am and what I'm going through turns around and pulls away from me, I don't know what to do. Is it so difficult to say I still want to be your friend, but I need space until further notice? Or, even, thanks, things were okay, but I never want to see you again. I hate being left without knowing.
I really need to get off of this emotional roller coaster. I think it was easier for me to spend a week and a half crying and staring at my ceiling. I think things are getting better, then everything crashes down again. I just have a hard time bowing out. I can't give up on people. Then I just end up letting people walk all over me and managing to feel like I deserve it. I can't do it anymore. I'm not strong enough.
Ahren just led me to figure it out in fairly simple terms. I care. And as much as it hurts me and as much as I hate it... I still like that about myself. I wouldn't, and couldn't even if I wanted to stop caring. I can't stop caring and I'm not strong enough to continue caring the way I do. I feel trapped inside myself. I've turned myself into an emotional yo-yo.
Last time things got this bad for me I ran away. I moved in with my Aunt, changed schools, changed locations, changed friends. I purged my life of the drama and pain that people were bringing me. I came back a better and more complete person. I needed it, and it was one of the best decisions I've ever made in my life. I feel like I need that know, but I honestly don't know what I'm running away from. I spent a week with Dan and Crystal a while ago and it helped so much. It gave me a chance to completely unwind around people that like me and not have to care about anything or feel the need to take care of anyone or anything. Now I feel like I need an escape from myself. I need a safe haven and I don't have one.
I've never been good at figuring out when to let go and when to hold on. I keep people in my life that are damaging to me for way too long. And I don't make enough of an effort with the people that aren't. I'm really bad at reading people. I generally feel like I'm going to be interrupting or annoying someone with my efforts to keep in touch regularly. Some of the people that have had the biggest impact on my life seem to be slipping away. I mean, sure, they'll always be there for me...but they're never actually here for me. Friends from high school that I thought I would always have drift away. I don't seem to be a part of their lives anymore, but there is still an empty place in my heart that I hold for them. I have wonderful friends that I talk to maybe once or twice a year. Is that all they want? All they have time for? Or just the way it's going to be?
I don't know where I stand with people. I wish real communication wasn't so hard to find. I want to respect peoples needs, but I also want them to know that I care. When someone feels really close to me and seems to truly care about who I am and what I'm going through turns around and pulls away from me, I don't know what to do. Is it so difficult to say I still want to be your friend, but I need space until further notice? Or, even, thanks, things were okay, but I never want to see you again. I hate being left without knowing.
I really need to get off of this emotional roller coaster. I think it was easier for me to spend a week and a half crying and staring at my ceiling. I think things are getting better, then everything crashes down again. I just have a hard time bowing out. I can't give up on people. Then I just end up letting people walk all over me and managing to feel like I deserve it. I can't do it anymore. I'm not strong enough.
Ahren just led me to figure it out in fairly simple terms. I care. And as much as it hurts me and as much as I hate it... I still like that about myself. I wouldn't, and couldn't even if I wanted to stop caring. I can't stop caring and I'm not strong enough to continue caring the way I do. I feel trapped inside myself. I've turned myself into an emotional yo-yo.
Last time things got this bad for me I ran away. I moved in with my Aunt, changed schools, changed locations, changed friends. I purged my life of the drama and pain that people were bringing me. I came back a better and more complete person. I needed it, and it was one of the best decisions I've ever made in my life. I feel like I need that know, but I honestly don't know what I'm running away from. I spent a week with Dan and Crystal a while ago and it helped so much. It gave me a chance to completely unwind around people that like me and not have to care about anything or feel the need to take care of anyone or anything. Now I feel like I need an escape from myself. I need a safe haven and I don't have one.