moving up in the world
I think I'll run out of tears eventually. I still cry myself to sleep every night, but I can get through the day with a straight face and a depressing emptiness. I've come to realize that you can't lose a friend without losing a part of yourself too. It's been true for all the friends that have left me behind. Bits and pieces of me stay with them...the things they liked the most in me and the parts of me that shone through whenever they were around. I don't know if they get buried in the loss and pain, or if they are actually gone now.
The last two days I made a huge effort to actually do a few things. My snakes needed to eat, the fish tank needed a water change, laundry, cleaning, ...all the little things around the house that I couldn't face in the past week and a half. I don't really feel any better, but staring at the ceiling isn't providing the comfort it was a few days ago. I guess it's good. If I can make myself feel a little better physically, maybe I'll have more energy to try to deal with the emotions.
I tried once to get support. I figure if someone knows I'm hurting and that I don't want to be alone, that's all they need to know. The rest is up to them. Unfortunately the rest that was up to them turned out to be nothing. I've had a few brief texting conversations, all of which have left me feeling like people don't care, don't know me, or don't understand me at all. At this point, I don't think I can handle trying to rely on someone else. I feel like it's too much to deal with on my own, but I can't keep putting myself into a situation where I'm just going to end up feeling worse. I don't think I can get up the courage to call someone and run the risk of being rejected or disregarded again.
I have the sinking feeling that time is the only thing that can help me now.
The last two days I made a huge effort to actually do a few things. My snakes needed to eat, the fish tank needed a water change, laundry, cleaning, ...all the little things around the house that I couldn't face in the past week and a half. I don't really feel any better, but staring at the ceiling isn't providing the comfort it was a few days ago. I guess it's good. If I can make myself feel a little better physically, maybe I'll have more energy to try to deal with the emotions.
I tried once to get support. I figure if someone knows I'm hurting and that I don't want to be alone, that's all they need to know. The rest is up to them. Unfortunately the rest that was up to them turned out to be nothing. I've had a few brief texting conversations, all of which have left me feeling like people don't care, don't know me, or don't understand me at all. At this point, I don't think I can handle trying to rely on someone else. I feel like it's too much to deal with on my own, but I can't keep putting myself into a situation where I'm just going to end up feeling worse. I don't think I can get up the courage to call someone and run the risk of being rejected or disregarded again.
I have the sinking feeling that time is the only thing that can help me now.