It hit me like a ton of bricks

[xalexisonfirex]

I broke down today ... I was just doing my normal thing going about my regular day just kind of relaxing before i had to go into work and i was about to get in the shower and i just started to cry and i couldnt stop I wasnt even thinking about him and just he popped in my head. The day that i fell truly in love with him just came into my head and i broke down. It was right after matt died and we were at my house and we were sitting in my living room watching tv with my sister at the old apartment and i got up and went in my room and a minute later he came in didnt say a word to me just grabbed me and kissed me he came at me so hard that i stumbled back onto my bed and he kept my head from hitting the wall it was like we were falling in slow motion and he put his hand right behind my head and put me down very slowly while still kissing me he did it with such ease and it made me feel so amazing .... I got this rush that just went through my entire body and i looked at him and i could tell in his eyes that he loved me. That night i sat down and i made him a book that told him all the reasons why i loved him ..... Now i sit here crying my eyes out still not understanding why... it will be a year soon since i wrote that book and that since he left me and i still dont understand why .... Our birthday is coming up soon and I will prolly call him and he wont answer and i will leave him a message telling him i hope he has a wonderful birthday ... why cant i forget him i dont understand it I miss him so damn much its sick.

Today was the day of many breakdowns I've had but this one just seemed so much worse than all the others. The feeling i had that day with his hand on the back of my head holding me so i wouldnt get hurt ... will i ever feel that again? Im so scared that will never happen again...