(no subject)
I'm listening now to inspirational music right now. Sometimes when I have a really bad day I do that. Did any of you guys know that?
I listen to it because even when I'm feeling awful, the music will make me feel leaps of happineess. I just let the music wash over me like soothing hot water and wash over my room and just turn into something else- like a completely different world where things like Math or boys or Mock Trials or people disliking me or my own extreme boredom don't matter one bit. Everything is better in that world- brighter and more exciting and adventurous and then I write. I write whatever it is ?I see running or walking or flying through that world- watching like its a movie, even though I'm in the vibrant world that I use to escape.
But that little place isn't doing it for me now. IT feels as if , lately, everything is just... bad. Not horribly awful or antyhing, not pressuring me to my last end... but simply bad. It isn't an extreme and that what makes it so.. inescapable. I can handle myself better in extremes because I have no choice but to claw my way out of my problem or else I'll.. die mentally or something. And when things are really really good then I'm fine to (naturally, who wouldn't be?). But now I'm in the middle and when your in the middle like that- not awful but not great.. It's almost as if I'm trapped in ice- a place I can't escape because I'm working against myself and so is the rest of the world, to try and keep myself where I am.It's bad. It's very bad, but not bad enough. I'm stuck and it's hard to get myself out.
I need a vacation. I am mentally and physically exhausted from what has been going on.I wish so badly from the bottom of my heart that I could go with my sister and just leave on the 15th to go to England. Why can't I? Because I'm too chicken to sneak onto a plain with her and too concious of the consequences. If I didn't know what would happen to me, I'd go in a flash, but I do know what will happen and I do care.
I am sick of Yonkers and sick of Saunders. I want OUT. My greatest fear in life is that 20 years from now I'll still be here, doing the same thing. I refuse to be that person. I'll do anything to get out. Anything.
I listen to it because even when I'm feeling awful, the music will make me feel leaps of happineess. I just let the music wash over me like soothing hot water and wash over my room and just turn into something else- like a completely different world where things like Math or boys or Mock Trials or people disliking me or my own extreme boredom don't matter one bit. Everything is better in that world- brighter and more exciting and adventurous and then I write. I write whatever it is ?I see running or walking or flying through that world- watching like its a movie, even though I'm in the vibrant world that I use to escape.
But that little place isn't doing it for me now. IT feels as if , lately, everything is just... bad. Not horribly awful or antyhing, not pressuring me to my last end... but simply bad. It isn't an extreme and that what makes it so.. inescapable. I can handle myself better in extremes because I have no choice but to claw my way out of my problem or else I'll.. die mentally or something. And when things are really really good then I'm fine to (naturally, who wouldn't be?). But now I'm in the middle and when your in the middle like that- not awful but not great.. It's almost as if I'm trapped in ice- a place I can't escape because I'm working against myself and so is the rest of the world, to try and keep myself where I am.It's bad. It's very bad, but not bad enough. I'm stuck and it's hard to get myself out.
I need a vacation. I am mentally and physically exhausted from what has been going on.I wish so badly from the bottom of my heart that I could go with my sister and just leave on the 15th to go to England. Why can't I? Because I'm too chicken to sneak onto a plain with her and too concious of the consequences. If I didn't know what would happen to me, I'd go in a flash, but I do know what will happen and I do care.
I am sick of Yonkers and sick of Saunders. I want OUT. My greatest fear in life is that 20 years from now I'll still be here, doing the same thing. I refuse to be that person. I'll do anything to get out. Anything.