luckily i still have some guarana pills?
i signed up for classes at jc for the spring semester. XDa i know i had considered myself done with school for good, and i'm not even intending to go for a bachelor's, but…i found out that students get to ride the train for free (well, free after enrollment fees, that is). and the price of one class (including books) totals to about three month's worth of train passes for the semester, as opposed to spending 100$ every month. so it would save money in the long run~.
one of the main reasons i quit school was because of (i can identify now in hindsight) social anxiety. walking around campus, walking into classrooms, and just sitting down would stress me out to the point that i'd be so preoccupied with how i looked while sitting (is my posture too upright/too casual, does the person behind me hate me because my head is too high, does everyone notice i wear the same clothes everyday, do they think i smell, have they noticed i haven't gotten around to bleaching my roots this week) that i wouldn't learn anything during lecture, much less during group work.
i would usually sit in the back to avoid being looked at, which also sucked since my glasses' prescription is outdated and i would struggle seeing what was on the board/powerpoints.
and then there were also times i would just sabotage myself. like if i were doing really well in class to the point that the teacher would begin to engage me more during lecture, i would start getting bad grades. this wasn't always the case. most times, no matter how good a grade i had in a class i would skip mandatory projects/finals for no real reason other than i just "didn't care" (that's what it felt like, although i kno it doesn't make much sense, since usually i would have an A or B in these scenarios)….
back then, i just figured school wasn't for me. and truth be told, the frequency of anxiety was greatly reduced since dropping out with the intention of "never again". (actually, it was the first day back at school after dropping out the first time that i realized i had that anxiety).
anyway, i just need a passing grade to avoid academic probation and continue getting the students' train pass rate. i feel like now that i'm doing therapy, my therapist can help me out with pinpointing and addressing problems if i start freaking out too much. so i guess we'll see how this turns out.
(the costs are already grating at me XDa. good-bye for now, ffxiv subscription....)
one of the main reasons i quit school was because of (i can identify now in hindsight) social anxiety. walking around campus, walking into classrooms, and just sitting down would stress me out to the point that i'd be so preoccupied with how i looked while sitting (is my posture too upright/too casual, does the person behind me hate me because my head is too high, does everyone notice i wear the same clothes everyday, do they think i smell, have they noticed i haven't gotten around to bleaching my roots this week) that i wouldn't learn anything during lecture, much less during group work.
i would usually sit in the back to avoid being looked at, which also sucked since my glasses' prescription is outdated and i would struggle seeing what was on the board/powerpoints.
and then there were also times i would just sabotage myself. like if i were doing really well in class to the point that the teacher would begin to engage me more during lecture, i would start getting bad grades. this wasn't always the case. most times, no matter how good a grade i had in a class i would skip mandatory projects/finals for no real reason other than i just "didn't care" (that's what it felt like, although i kno it doesn't make much sense, since usually i would have an A or B in these scenarios)….
back then, i just figured school wasn't for me. and truth be told, the frequency of anxiety was greatly reduced since dropping out with the intention of "never again". (actually, it was the first day back at school after dropping out the first time that i realized i had that anxiety).
anyway, i just need a passing grade to avoid academic probation and continue getting the students' train pass rate. i feel like now that i'm doing therapy, my therapist can help me out with pinpointing and addressing problems if i start freaking out too much. so i guess we'll see how this turns out.
(the costs are already grating at me XDa. good-bye for now, ffxiv subscription....)