April Ericcson - RENT 100songs
Title: Beginnin of the End
Fandom: RENT
Characters: April Erricson, with mention of Roger
Prompt: 031: Broken
Word Count: 862 (does not include song quotes)
Rating: pg-13
Warnings/Spoilers: talks about drug use and suicide
Summary: April reflects on her relationship with Roger, and what made her decide to end her life.
I wanted you to know I love the way you laugh
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away
I keep your photograph; I know it serves me well
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain
I loved Roger, with every ounce of my soul, I want people to know that. It wasn't either of our faults for what happened. When I first met Roger, I found a kindred spirit, our eyes met in that crowded bar, and for a moment, I felt like I was the only person in there. That his eyes were staring into mine, and we would become lovers for eternity. Things didn't pan out that way. He sat across from me, after the show, with his leather jacket on, and that spikey blonde hair going in every direction, a mind of it's own. And when he lit that cigarette and brought it to his lips, I couldn't help but let my eyes focus in on it, his voice captivated me in a way that no one had done for so long. We talked for what seemed like hours, even after the club closed. I never imagined what would come next in my life. Life had become just what the analogy rings true. Sex, drugs and rock and roll. We started to believe we were above it all.
I wasn't always a druggie, I once had hopes, dreams, ambitions. I dreamed of marrying someone and spending the rest of my life with them. It wasn't until I met Roger that I things started to feel a bit on the dizzy side. It seemed everyone likes to point the finger at me, that I'm the one that got him hooked. Truth be told, his drummer got both him and I hooked. Roger and I, we both got incredibly drunk at one of the parties, and Tom had offered us a shot. Just one time, you won't be hooked, what a lie. We tried it, we were piss drunk and what did we have to lose. We were at the top of the world. We were unstopable. Nothing could touch us, god, were we idiots. It became a race to see how long the high would last, how long we could go without it. We were so completely in love, that we didn't realize what we were doing to our bodies. I regret every single day of living like that. If I had been smarter, then Roger...he wouldn't be where he is right now. He'd be okay. one bad needle can end it all. One shared needle that had a drop of another infected person's blood could destroy something that you tried to build and keep strong. It destroyed our love, and started to make us weak.
‘cause I’m broken when I’m open
And I don’t feel like I am strong enough
‘cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome
And I don’t feel light when you’re gone away
Roger and I both got sick, so sick, that we finally gave in and went into the hospital. When they found out we were users, they decided to test us for whatever they could, and in the end, they tested us for H.I.V. We waited, and waited. We stopped using, we tried cleaning up. It was so hard on the both of us. There were lots of fights, lots of angry words spat back and forth, things that shouldn't have been said were. I blamed him, I told him it was HIS bandmember that did this to us, but by this time he was already gone from the band. They had moved on without him. When we got the results, I remember sitting and looking at them, and starting to cry. Roger was there to comfort me, or try to comfort me. When I found out I had A.I.D.S it felt like the end of the world. I went into a recluse, and didn't know what to do anymore. For a while, Roger and I worked through it, things started looking up with both of us on the medications that they had provided. It was too late though, I started sinking into a depression that no one could break me out of, not even Roger. I saw how much it pained him to see me in pain. It hurt to know that he was watching me die, right in front of his eyes.
When he went out one day, to go meet up with his friends, I had drawn a bath. I felt so broken, I didn't want to leave him, but I didn't want him to have to watch me die either. This was the only way out I thought, and somehow I thought things would be better with me gone. Then he wouldn't have to suffer, and he could surround himself with people that were strong, people that were stronger then me. I slid the razor across my wrist and cried, and tried to not scream. It hurt, so badly, that I just wanted it to end. Finally, it did, and I was left in the tub that was reddened with my blood, and the note that was laying on the bed, addressed to Roger. I never meant to hurt him, I thought he would be better off. Now, I watch him move on with his life and open up to another, and it hurts, but I realize, it's what I always wanted..
The worst is over now and we can breathe again
Fandom: RENT
Characters: April Erricson, with mention of Roger
Prompt: 031: Broken
Word Count: 862 (does not include song quotes)
Rating: pg-13
Warnings/Spoilers: talks about drug use and suicide
Summary: April reflects on her relationship with Roger, and what made her decide to end her life.
I wanted you to know I love the way you laugh
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away
I keep your photograph; I know it serves me well
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain
I loved Roger, with every ounce of my soul, I want people to know that. It wasn't either of our faults for what happened. When I first met Roger, I found a kindred spirit, our eyes met in that crowded bar, and for a moment, I felt like I was the only person in there. That his eyes were staring into mine, and we would become lovers for eternity. Things didn't pan out that way. He sat across from me, after the show, with his leather jacket on, and that spikey blonde hair going in every direction, a mind of it's own. And when he lit that cigarette and brought it to his lips, I couldn't help but let my eyes focus in on it, his voice captivated me in a way that no one had done for so long. We talked for what seemed like hours, even after the club closed. I never imagined what would come next in my life. Life had become just what the analogy rings true. Sex, drugs and rock and roll. We started to believe we were above it all.
I wasn't always a druggie, I once had hopes, dreams, ambitions. I dreamed of marrying someone and spending the rest of my life with them. It wasn't until I met Roger that I things started to feel a bit on the dizzy side. It seemed everyone likes to point the finger at me, that I'm the one that got him hooked. Truth be told, his drummer got both him and I hooked. Roger and I, we both got incredibly drunk at one of the parties, and Tom had offered us a shot. Just one time, you won't be hooked, what a lie. We tried it, we were piss drunk and what did we have to lose. We were at the top of the world. We were unstopable. Nothing could touch us, god, were we idiots. It became a race to see how long the high would last, how long we could go without it. We were so completely in love, that we didn't realize what we were doing to our bodies. I regret every single day of living like that. If I had been smarter, then Roger...he wouldn't be where he is right now. He'd be okay. one bad needle can end it all. One shared needle that had a drop of another infected person's blood could destroy something that you tried to build and keep strong. It destroyed our love, and started to make us weak.
‘cause I’m broken when I’m open
And I don’t feel like I am strong enough
‘cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome
And I don’t feel light when you’re gone away
Roger and I both got sick, so sick, that we finally gave in and went into the hospital. When they found out we were users, they decided to test us for whatever they could, and in the end, they tested us for H.I.V. We waited, and waited. We stopped using, we tried cleaning up. It was so hard on the both of us. There were lots of fights, lots of angry words spat back and forth, things that shouldn't have been said were. I blamed him, I told him it was HIS bandmember that did this to us, but by this time he was already gone from the band. They had moved on without him. When we got the results, I remember sitting and looking at them, and starting to cry. Roger was there to comfort me, or try to comfort me. When I found out I had A.I.D.S it felt like the end of the world. I went into a recluse, and didn't know what to do anymore. For a while, Roger and I worked through it, things started looking up with both of us on the medications that they had provided. It was too late though, I started sinking into a depression that no one could break me out of, not even Roger. I saw how much it pained him to see me in pain. It hurt to know that he was watching me die, right in front of his eyes.
When he went out one day, to go meet up with his friends, I had drawn a bath. I felt so broken, I didn't want to leave him, but I didn't want him to have to watch me die either. This was the only way out I thought, and somehow I thought things would be better with me gone. Then he wouldn't have to suffer, and he could surround himself with people that were strong, people that were stronger then me. I slid the razor across my wrist and cried, and tried to not scream. It hurt, so badly, that I just wanted it to end. Finally, it did, and I was left in the tub that was reddened with my blood, and the note that was laying on the bed, addressed to Roger. I never meant to hurt him, I thought he would be better off. Now, I watch him move on with his life and open up to another, and it hurts, but I realize, it's what I always wanted..
The worst is over now and we can breathe again