Volunteering
Well the brochures came and there's some really interesting stuff. I've scanned through them, but I just don't know what/where to go.
I'm sort of going through the whole 'Do I really want to do this?' and getting tearful about it thing that ALWAYS happens when I decide to do something new or scary or life changing. It SUCKS and I hate it with a firey passion. It's this stupid fear that's ruined my life the past few years and even before that and I'll be damned if I'm going to continue to let it ruin my life. I want to travel and I want to be adventurous and I want to live. I look at all these photo's on facebook of people I knew and see the things they've done and I look at my life and I hate that I have done absolutely nothing with it.
But then I think ooh maybe I'll go to Thailand and teach English there for a month and before I know it I've talked myself out of it. I rang up about a teaching project in Koh Samui today, but I just don't know if it's for me. One part of me loves the idea of sitting on a tropical beach and teaching children English and the other part of me thinks about the climate, how far away it is, whether it's really for me and worries wehether I'll be up to it (which I would be, because I'm healthy). But It's this same stupid battle between the part of me that wants to live and the part of me consumed by fear, that seems to have been going on throughout my life. It's because of this stupid fear I ended up having the worst uni experience possible. I followed a friend to her university because I was too scared to go it alone and it turned out to be a complete disaster. If I'd had the courage to go it alone or had taken a gap year then, I might have been forced to confront this fear once and for all and get over it.
I know that this is what I have to do. I really have to get over this, get rid of fear from my life and start living and I reckon going abroad by myself and having to meet new people is probably the best way to do this. I know I'll enjoy it once I'm out there and despite the fear it IS something I've wanted to do for agggges. But when the fear gets hold I just want to run from it again.
But then I didn't just go through the lightning process and fight so hard to rid myself of ME so that I could sit on my backside and pander to the fears that kept me chained up in ME for so long. I went through the LP so I could do stuff and start my life back up.
I am going to do this whether I have to drag myself abroad kicking and screaming. I have NO EXCUSE now not to do something, because I am NOT ill. I can work and I can travel. I just wish my Mum and Dad would push me into this a bit more...rather than just not really saying anything about it or worrying about it. Mum's just like well why don't you stay in this country and do something? But I know if I do that then I am just submitting to fear again and letting it stop me from doing something I want to do. I could just get a job, but I don't think that would be enough to really get me going in life...I'd probably do a job and shy away from a social life (of which I still don't have one).
However having said all this I do not know where I'd like to go. I do not want this to be a 'Plymouth Uni' and just pick somewhere in desperation and end up hating a great deal of it. I don't want to go somewhere too hot, or somewhere that is too far away (like New Zealand, even though that would be fun). But all the volunteer projects are in Asia, Africa and Latin America and I don't really know how I'd get on in climates like that as I really do loathe the heat and always have!
I don't know whether I should volunteer or just go on a holiday somewhere, but then again I want to distract myself and take the focus off me for once...the last 5 years of my life have all been so focused on me (and I'm still doing it somewhat) and I want to break away from that and be able to think less introspective for once.
I don't know...I really don't...I guess I'll have to force my parents into talking about this and get them to help me decide.
Sometimes I hate me!