just need to vent...

[x_moon_river_x]

finally broke down. i just ignored it somehow, didnt let it get to me, didnt replay it in my head the way i thought it went, didnt cry my eyes out, didnt yell, didnt let the anger out, never exploded fully. and it finally caught up to me tonight. i thought i could just block it out and forget and get over it without ever having to actually think about it all. i mean ive been aware that it happened all along but i just never actually thought about it. i felt a glimmer of actual hatred and it really freaked me out. not completely because of the fact that it happened but because it shattered something i believed in. and this is all affecting me in a larger sense.

ive never felt so alone or idle somehow... i feel a little lost. or a lot. what i always believed i wanted i might not even believe in at all. and i always wanted it, and now i dont even think it exists. or it does but in such a different way than i thought.

i feel lost but its not because of the loss of a lover, its because i may have just lost something i so strongly believed in and deeply desired.

i want something, or i want to want something... theres absolutely nothing though. i guess ignorance is bliss after all. summer is making my feeling idle even worse.... i feel like im not figuring anything out im just like paused for a long time. ...thats all.