&aftermath.

[x_expose]

yesterday was... ((sighs)) im not even sure i want to try to explain. it was the most miserable i can remember being in so long... i dont know how to deal with feelings like that anymore. my old coping methods have basically become extinct, and for the better according to society. so, when i found myself in such a deep rut, and falling deeper with every breath, i just tried to grab on to everything in hopes that it could keep me from going any further. but nothing did. i got off work early which was both good and bad. i was physically exhausted. but slowing down, not having anything to focus on, meant that i would become introspective. not a good idea. i went home, showered, and decided to go to sleep for awhile. when i woke up i still felt just as bad, but not as tired. i did not need to be alone... but as is most often the case when i feel that way, i was. i called andrew, though, and we decided to get together. it was to be only the two of us. when we got there, a group of our friends, whom we had not known would be there, were standing outside. i didnt feel in the mood for a large crowd or trying to entertain or even simply trying to conceal the way i felt. the group shrank once we got inside. tim, andrew, and i sat in a booth together, and it was all right at first. but then something happened... im not sure what it was. a combination, i suppose, but it suddenly became more than i could stand. they had made a few comments... i cant remember what they were now, but i perceived them as malicious and finally just got up and left. home again & still sinking. so i filled a glass with vodka & coke and drank for awhile. maybe to some people it would seem that i have no sense of self-control, drinking alone and what not. but maybe if those people knew what the alternative was theyd be a little more fucking supportive. and im not an alcoholic. in fact, i think if i hear that one more time i may just fucking punch someone in the face. i dont need to drink. i can not drink if i want to. and it pisses me off that everyone likes to insinuate that i dont have control of myself. i had control last night, more than you can fucking fathom. and what i did was the safest thing i could do to help myself. maybe im not good enough for anyone, maybe im not pretty enough or virtuous enough, but i have discipline where it counts. more than most people. so ill be damned if some asshole who doesnt have the slightest clue is going to imply that i dont. you try dealing with it. there are impulses everywhere, and i can be very impulsive. resitance is not easy. and there are people who live with these same things and do much worse to cope. and ive considered their methods... long & hard. sometimes i still do. but i dont do them, and that has to count for something.

i think im mostly just mad at tim and andrew, which will pass. i dont want to think about last night anymore. its a million miles behind me now. all the things that set me off, the loneliness and everything that came with it, are all distant now. im just a little sick thanks to vodka on an empty stomach. ((sighs))... i hope my brian is ok. his life is so tragic. i hope they wont keep him in jail the full year...

i should go work. get dressed and work. itll make it easier to compose myself again. because tonight is going to be perfect and im going to be outside myself, a slave to the sound. in fact, maybe i just wont come home. ill just walk out of that arena and pick the direction that seems most fitting and walk until i find somewhere that feels better than home.

&the shocking realization that i am only the aftermath of 18 years sinks into my skull.