Third Entry
Thursday- In drawing class, we went to the wellness center and sat on a balcony and drew the lap pool room. During the time that we were working on our drawings, our teacher was planning on pulling each of us aside to talk about what our strengths are, what we should work on, and what our grade would be right now if she had to give us one. Lately, I've been feeling good about what I'm doing with art and everything, or at least good enough. For some reason though, as I was sitting on the balcony with pencil in hand, all I could think about was how badly I didn't want to be there. I pictured a bunch of dramatic exit scenes, most of which involved throwing all my drawing supplies into the pool below, and it doesn't make sense because I've been becoming so much happier. However, like most times in my life, what I actually DID was the complete opposite of what I thought about, and I worked on my drawing.
At some point, Alex (my teacher) came over and said she was ready to talk to me. We went to where she had been sitting, and she spent the next seven minutes telling me how fantastic my work is and how talented I am and how I have a "natural intuition" about things that she has to spend weeks teaching other students, and I felt smaller and smaller and smaller the more she talked, and more guilty for having spent the last hour thinking about how I would rather be anywhere other than where I was. The weird thing is that as egotistical as it sounds, I really believe that everything she said was right and that I could do amazing things, but I have no idea what I want. I pretended to have it figured out to buy myself some time, and I'll continue to do that, and I'll keep putting the effort into school that I have been, and I'll keep doing well, and I'll probably stick with this for a really long time, if not forever, but there is a nagging feeling in my gut that says it's not what I'm supposed to be doing, and I don't have much of a choice but to ignore that until I can figure out what I want for myself.
This isn't a pity party, I'm more okay with not knowing than I'm sure it seems. It's more of a testament to my life being a series of one awkward or ironic moment after the other.
Friday-It was the last day of Office Depot being open. It was so so sad. Customers the entire time I was there were bastards. I almost kicked one guy and his friend out, but I knew that if I tried to say anything, it would come out in shouts and language that I'm sure wouldn't be construed as appropriate, so I just didn't say anything. I nodded, and practically threw their bags at them after they paid. I'm pretty sure the guy called me a bitch on the way out, but who gives a fuck, really? I flipped him off under the counter, which I know doesn't count, but it's about as rude as I've ever gotten to a customer. On the way out Kay hugged me a bunch of times and I realized even more how much I'll really miss everyone and being there, even though there were so many times I didn't like it. She also gave me a bunch of store use clipboards which I plan to either turn into something or use for mini drawing boards. I cried on the way to my car, it was so pathetic. There was a get-together thing for everyone after closing, but I didn't work that late, and I was still at band practice around that time (which I'll talk about shortly), and I thought it'd be too hard to go and have to say goodbye to everyone again. I'm such a baby.
Now on to band practice: it was awesome! We were so productive, it was insane. We practiced the two songs which were already totally completed, then wrote two more songs. I feel a little more competent each time we practice. Somehow, I can't really seem to make much progress when I practice on my own, but with the group I feel like I can learn quite a bit. We had a band meeting type thing too, which was nice. It sort of helped clarify where everyone stands on things. (Everyone=Ben, Tomas, Billy, Elijah, me, by the way.) The whole practice lasted almost six hours. I'm really happy things are going how they are. I think we sound great, and my mom really likes it too, which is cool (and convenient) since we're using her house, ha.
Tomorrow officially starts my birthday week! I have no plans yet, but I almost always love my birthday regardless. It's the one time of year where you can demand pretty much whatever you want and get it, and celebrate the most significant event in your life which you had to do NOTHING to accomplish. Of course I mean being born. And who wouldn't want to celebrate the anniversary of another year of my existence? Seriously.
I love plaid,
Ashley
At some point, Alex (my teacher) came over and said she was ready to talk to me. We went to where she had been sitting, and she spent the next seven minutes telling me how fantastic my work is and how talented I am and how I have a "natural intuition" about things that she has to spend weeks teaching other students, and I felt smaller and smaller and smaller the more she talked, and more guilty for having spent the last hour thinking about how I would rather be anywhere other than where I was. The weird thing is that as egotistical as it sounds, I really believe that everything she said was right and that I could do amazing things, but I have no idea what I want. I pretended to have it figured out to buy myself some time, and I'll continue to do that, and I'll keep putting the effort into school that I have been, and I'll keep doing well, and I'll probably stick with this for a really long time, if not forever, but there is a nagging feeling in my gut that says it's not what I'm supposed to be doing, and I don't have much of a choice but to ignore that until I can figure out what I want for myself.
This isn't a pity party, I'm more okay with not knowing than I'm sure it seems. It's more of a testament to my life being a series of one awkward or ironic moment after the other.
Friday-It was the last day of Office Depot being open. It was so so sad. Customers the entire time I was there were bastards. I almost kicked one guy and his friend out, but I knew that if I tried to say anything, it would come out in shouts and language that I'm sure wouldn't be construed as appropriate, so I just didn't say anything. I nodded, and practically threw their bags at them after they paid. I'm pretty sure the guy called me a bitch on the way out, but who gives a fuck, really? I flipped him off under the counter, which I know doesn't count, but it's about as rude as I've ever gotten to a customer. On the way out Kay hugged me a bunch of times and I realized even more how much I'll really miss everyone and being there, even though there were so many times I didn't like it. She also gave me a bunch of store use clipboards which I plan to either turn into something or use for mini drawing boards. I cried on the way to my car, it was so pathetic. There was a get-together thing for everyone after closing, but I didn't work that late, and I was still at band practice around that time (which I'll talk about shortly), and I thought it'd be too hard to go and have to say goodbye to everyone again. I'm such a baby.
Now on to band practice: it was awesome! We were so productive, it was insane. We practiced the two songs which were already totally completed, then wrote two more songs. I feel a little more competent each time we practice. Somehow, I can't really seem to make much progress when I practice on my own, but with the group I feel like I can learn quite a bit. We had a band meeting type thing too, which was nice. It sort of helped clarify where everyone stands on things. (Everyone=Ben, Tomas, Billy, Elijah, me, by the way.) The whole practice lasted almost six hours. I'm really happy things are going how they are. I think we sound great, and my mom really likes it too, which is cool (and convenient) since we're using her house, ha.
Tomorrow officially starts my birthday week! I have no plans yet, but I almost always love my birthday regardless. It's the one time of year where you can demand pretty much whatever you want and get it, and celebrate the most significant event in your life which you had to do NOTHING to accomplish. Of course I mean being born. And who wouldn't want to celebrate the anniversary of another year of my existence? Seriously.
I love plaid,
Ashley