you tell me the morning after.
so after what seems like years.. maybe even longer i am back. i have had so much go on in my life i even need to take a step back and ponder what happened. 3 years ago i was figuring out everything.. i had finialy realized that what i needed to not do was open my legs.. i neeeded to use my brain and really think what will this relationship be like in 4 years.. or 20.. i did that.. i found someone. we loved eachother.. it was real.. i will never doubt in my head or heart that matt slem was my first love. but just because you love someone doesnt mean it has to always work. especialy when there are problems that are out of your reach.. there are things you cant control. moving in with his parents made it able for me to stay in san luis with him but it also opened the door for our love to be tested. living with anyones mother.. even the best mother is an accident waiting to happen. we didnt have sex often.. we didnt sleep in the same bed.. we fought more than anything i had even seen on shitty made for tv movies.. and our love was truly tested. i cheated wich is the worst thing i could have done. i kissed erik and let him rub my body. i felt like a beautiful girl again.. i felt everything me and matt were lacking.. and i regret to say i would have done it again had erik not been moving that night. i didnt tell matt. i should have.. but i didnt. after we moved out things seemed wonderful.. but i still had this cloud over me. even after moving sex was only once a month or less. closed mouth kisses.. and not even ehough spark to make a blade of grass move. maybe it was the cheating.. maybe it was just us. we didnt fight.. we were the best of friends.. we slept in the same bed and yet it felt more like a sleep over with a gay male friend than with my lover.. we both realized what had happened.. we both fell out of love. i told matt i cheated.. we both cried and he said he would try to forget it.. he couldnt.. and i relaized i cheated for a reason... i wasnt happy. 6 months later ive moved out.. harsh worst have been few and things are auctly going better for me now than ever before in my life. people see me who havent in years and say i look better.. i have a glow.. i look like nicole again.. people tell me that they are happy to see this girl they once knew.. and im starting a new relationship.. i realize i shouldnt jump into one right after another.. but when its right its right. more on that later.. but i just wanted to say im doing good.. and i love life.