(no subject)
Some things never change, but the things that don't change are sometimes stupid and I want to kick them.
Okay maybe they change a little bit and are very tired and worn down to like 15% because damn, I don't have the energy, but maybe we could take that song off repeat since we've seriously heard it to death and the chorus is catchy but just give it a break.
In all reality I need to find someone to talk to. I have an appointment that got bumped up a week (to tomorrow) with a new medication management person I think will be really good. I had hoped he would be a new psychiatric person for me to talk to but he is only accepting new medication management patients.
Maybe if we click really well I can get waitlisted. I've been trying to find the energy to look for a new shrink/counselor/what the fuck ever but every time I try I just get teary eyed and exhausted and can't manage.
Work outside of the most recent drama has been good.
I kind of wish I had someone to talk to who was a close friend about my current feelings but anyone who would understand is still at weird high school level drama and I don't know that I could trust them, and I don't think that anyone new in my life would really understand the context, and
I don't know my brain is really dumb and needs an upgrade.
I kinda thought I would have things together a little bit better by the time I was almost 27 (it's my birthday next week wooooo)
Then again I am making peace with the fact I am incredibly and severely mentally and physically ill and ...doing something about it instead of thinking I was a lot more fine than I was (see: like 800 entries in this journal dating back a decade despite the emotional rants saying I'm fine! I'm sad but I'm fine! ohhh but I was not.)
I don't totally know why I come back here every now and again since it's not that consistent and I don't write too much about what is actually happening in my life, just weird disjointed little blurb thoughts.
I will set a reminder on my phone to come and write about my day and try to hash out the good and bad together so I can keep more objective track of things.
Today was kind of good, kind of total suck. I woke up and took a longer shower with some music on, which is always nice. Lucas works a late shift so I don't really get to see him much anymore, but since it's my day off and he works late I got to hang out with him a bit this morning. We have not been getting along very well lately for whatever reason, but he snuggled me some this morning and made me some coffee and then ate some food before he was going to leave.
As he was leaving I told him I was going to do some laundry and clean up, I've been really deadly sick the last month (bronchitis or...something, god knows, I was out of work for a week. they kept sending me back home.) and he tells me 'don't make a mess'. ..as a direct response to cleaning. So I told him it was really unnecessary to say that, and we got in this argument and he says I never do anything and just...I don't know.
That's us lately, we just argue and he snaps at me all the time and tells me I talk too much. I don't really think he likes me anymore. I don't talk to him much, anymore, he's more into his game than anything and has been for a while, and I'm also the only person in this house who intermittently will spend 9 hours scrubbing it until it is sparkling and catching up on all the other non-surface cleaning things that need to be done to it.
I ended up telling him all that and getting really upset and he apologized, but it always ends up like that. I have to rationalize and explain things until he has to apologize for being a jerk and I just want him to stop being one all the time in the first place. like he is so snappy to me and I try to be not snappy back and explain calmly why I don't like it until I can't be calm anymore and then he has a short temper and I have to deal with getting yelled at until we reach the end of the argument cycle.
which just seems to be every relationship and that's usually about the time that I broke up with everyone else. only I like my life right now and I like everything else, and Lucas and I have been together almost 3 full years. I just want to figure out how to make things work. I'm just really exhausted and wanted to come vent about it for a minute I guess. I know he has a lot on his plate dealing with me being a crazy person, but I wish he'd just try at all to not be so snappy and actually consider what he is saying before he says it.
outside of that it is supposed to be getting warmer here finally which I know will help. I am a slug human in the wintertime and I should have had a regular doctor visit a while ago, but any time I switch to a new job it is always like a 5 or 6 month process getting all caught up on my mental health nonsense before I get around to anything else. I've spent almost all my free time at some doctor or another on my days off. cheers.
after that it's going to be dentists...
what's it like to be a healthy person I wonder?
or a happy person with brain chemicals that do the thing
I did get to go to sakuracon, and it was kind of a mess but I got some good art and had a decent time, I saw one of my most favorite people in the entire universe who I love best of anyone and we had delicious ramen. Rehanon has been going through some shit in her life and I need to make her a care package when my broke ass is a lot less...broke
I will come back in my next entry with some pictures and hopefully some happiness and story, for now I am going to try to go eat. my new medications have me all messed up about food and everything tastes weird.
Okay maybe they change a little bit and are very tired and worn down to like 15% because damn, I don't have the energy, but maybe we could take that song off repeat since we've seriously heard it to death and the chorus is catchy but just give it a break.
In all reality I need to find someone to talk to. I have an appointment that got bumped up a week (to tomorrow) with a new medication management person I think will be really good. I had hoped he would be a new psychiatric person for me to talk to but he is only accepting new medication management patients.
Maybe if we click really well I can get waitlisted. I've been trying to find the energy to look for a new shrink/counselor/what the fuck ever but every time I try I just get teary eyed and exhausted and can't manage.
Work outside of the most recent drama has been good.
I kind of wish I had someone to talk to who was a close friend about my current feelings but anyone who would understand is still at weird high school level drama and I don't know that I could trust them, and I don't think that anyone new in my life would really understand the context, and
I don't know my brain is really dumb and needs an upgrade.
I kinda thought I would have things together a little bit better by the time I was almost 27 (it's my birthday next week wooooo)
Then again I am making peace with the fact I am incredibly and severely mentally and physically ill and ...doing something about it instead of thinking I was a lot more fine than I was (see: like 800 entries in this journal dating back a decade despite the emotional rants saying I'm fine! I'm sad but I'm fine! ohhh but I was not.)
I don't totally know why I come back here every now and again since it's not that consistent and I don't write too much about what is actually happening in my life, just weird disjointed little blurb thoughts.
I will set a reminder on my phone to come and write about my day and try to hash out the good and bad together so I can keep more objective track of things.
Today was kind of good, kind of total suck. I woke up and took a longer shower with some music on, which is always nice. Lucas works a late shift so I don't really get to see him much anymore, but since it's my day off and he works late I got to hang out with him a bit this morning. We have not been getting along very well lately for whatever reason, but he snuggled me some this morning and made me some coffee and then ate some food before he was going to leave.
As he was leaving I told him I was going to do some laundry and clean up, I've been really deadly sick the last month (bronchitis or...something, god knows, I was out of work for a week. they kept sending me back home.) and he tells me 'don't make a mess'. ..as a direct response to cleaning. So I told him it was really unnecessary to say that, and we got in this argument and he says I never do anything and just...I don't know.
That's us lately, we just argue and he snaps at me all the time and tells me I talk too much. I don't really think he likes me anymore. I don't talk to him much, anymore, he's more into his game than anything and has been for a while, and I'm also the only person in this house who intermittently will spend 9 hours scrubbing it until it is sparkling and catching up on all the other non-surface cleaning things that need to be done to it.
I ended up telling him all that and getting really upset and he apologized, but it always ends up like that. I have to rationalize and explain things until he has to apologize for being a jerk and I just want him to stop being one all the time in the first place. like he is so snappy to me and I try to be not snappy back and explain calmly why I don't like it until I can't be calm anymore and then he has a short temper and I have to deal with getting yelled at until we reach the end of the argument cycle.
which just seems to be every relationship and that's usually about the time that I broke up with everyone else. only I like my life right now and I like everything else, and Lucas and I have been together almost 3 full years. I just want to figure out how to make things work. I'm just really exhausted and wanted to come vent about it for a minute I guess. I know he has a lot on his plate dealing with me being a crazy person, but I wish he'd just try at all to not be so snappy and actually consider what he is saying before he says it.
outside of that it is supposed to be getting warmer here finally which I know will help. I am a slug human in the wintertime and I should have had a regular doctor visit a while ago, but any time I switch to a new job it is always like a 5 or 6 month process getting all caught up on my mental health nonsense before I get around to anything else. I've spent almost all my free time at some doctor or another on my days off. cheers.
after that it's going to be dentists...
what's it like to be a healthy person I wonder?
or a happy person with brain chemicals that do the thing
I did get to go to sakuracon, and it was kind of a mess but I got some good art and had a decent time, I saw one of my most favorite people in the entire universe who I love best of anyone and we had delicious ramen. Rehanon has been going through some shit in her life and I need to make her a care package when my broke ass is a lot less...broke
I will come back in my next entry with some pictures and hopefully some happiness and story, for now I am going to try to go eat. my new medications have me all messed up about food and everything tastes weird.