(no subject)
I love the internet - it helps me find solace in empathetic words - there's something soothing in knowing -someone- understands, because they've been there too and have opened up about it.
I'm constantly ridden with guilt over the behavior that I take on again and again when I get into a downward emotional spiral. There may be a handful of days I haven cried in the past two months because I feel that, no matter how much I pump myself up and tell myself not to stress and 'today is going to be a good day!', I still break down.
I'm telling myself not to think about it, but by doing that I am still thinking about it. All the time. There's this quiet desparation that consumes every thought behind every action. When it comes to jeff anyways, because he is the only person to witness all this. But that's another conversation.
It is completely taking me over and I am losing myself to it. Losing the happy, smiling, people-loving me because of it.
And its awful for more than the obvious reasons. I realized recently that for the first time in a long time, I am okay with myself physically. I mean, standing in the mirror in only a bra and panties I look at myself and actually feel attractive, to myself. But my face is showing the constant stress. My eyes always look so. damned. tired. My complexion is pallor and I am constantly breaking out, which leads me to pick and scratch while im stressed which just makes my complexion even worse. But I feel like I'm robbing myself of a particular contentment, even joy, by looking at my naked self and not being happy that I am, for once, quite okay with my stretch marks and not-perky tits and huge upper arms and my not at all tight belly. All because I am too stressed out about dealing with this anxiety.
I feel like my spiralling emotionally out of control (relative to my 'normal' self anyways) is just accents on one giant spiral out of control though. The one that has me worrying constantly about the next time I'm going to take something to heart or read way too far into something, the next time I cry or feel guilty or worried about caring too much. I am all-consumed in worrying about not worrying. And I have no idea how to stop it. The notion that I might never shake this bad pattern of thinking truly scares me. And I don't know just how long it's really been a pattern for me, because I drank my feelings away before. I haven't been drunk in 5 months though, so ive got to wonder if I was just masking it before. That makes it hard to figure out why this started, and I am the type of person who 'needs' to be able to find causation to be able to direct myself to any sort of relief. Sigh.
I'm constantly ridden with guilt over the behavior that I take on again and again when I get into a downward emotional spiral. There may be a handful of days I haven cried in the past two months because I feel that, no matter how much I pump myself up and tell myself not to stress and 'today is going to be a good day!', I still break down.
I'm telling myself not to think about it, but by doing that I am still thinking about it. All the time. There's this quiet desparation that consumes every thought behind every action. When it comes to jeff anyways, because he is the only person to witness all this. But that's another conversation.
It is completely taking me over and I am losing myself to it. Losing the happy, smiling, people-loving me because of it.
And its awful for more than the obvious reasons. I realized recently that for the first time in a long time, I am okay with myself physically. I mean, standing in the mirror in only a bra and panties I look at myself and actually feel attractive, to myself. But my face is showing the constant stress. My eyes always look so. damned. tired. My complexion is pallor and I am constantly breaking out, which leads me to pick and scratch while im stressed which just makes my complexion even worse. But I feel like I'm robbing myself of a particular contentment, even joy, by looking at my naked self and not being happy that I am, for once, quite okay with my stretch marks and not-perky tits and huge upper arms and my not at all tight belly. All because I am too stressed out about dealing with this anxiety.
I feel like my spiralling emotionally out of control (relative to my 'normal' self anyways) is just accents on one giant spiral out of control though. The one that has me worrying constantly about the next time I'm going to take something to heart or read way too far into something, the next time I cry or feel guilty or worried about caring too much. I am all-consumed in worrying about not worrying. And I have no idea how to stop it. The notion that I might never shake this bad pattern of thinking truly scares me. And I don't know just how long it's really been a pattern for me, because I drank my feelings away before. I haven't been drunk in 5 months though, so ive got to wonder if I was just masking it before. That makes it hard to figure out why this started, and I am the type of person who 'needs' to be able to find causation to be able to direct myself to any sort of relief. Sigh.