Life ain't always beautiful
wow, okay. life has sucked the last week or so.
In my last entry, I wrote how excited I was about my little date with Russell. It was something I'd been looking forward to, it kept me going thru the days... and the day before we were supposed to hang out, he tells me he didn't want to anymore because mindy wanted to spend the day with him. ouch. don't get me wrong - i understand his feelings for mindy, i understand he loves her, but... ouch. i was the one who held him in my arms when she broke up with him, i'm the one who saw my best friend completely shattered and broken, and i helped nurse him back to a normal life. he promised me he'd never let a girl come between the friendships he has. he hated billy when billy ditched us for jenn, and now russell is turning into the same person. I found out later on, that him and mindy only hung out for like two hours, LATER in the night.. so he could have very easily spent the day with me like promised, then went and hung out with her. no one said he couldn't do both.. i don't think i've ever been more hurt by him. we've been thru some tough shit, but this was prolly the most painful... i told him not to ever talk to me again until he grew up and realized who were the ppl in his life who truly fucking cared about him. I've dealt with his bullshit for so long, and I always forgive him for hurting me and shit.. but not this time. This time was just the final straw. I'm sure we'll make up in a few weeks.. maybe even months.. but for now, I don't want anything to do with him. I don't deserve to be ditched and treated like shit for no reason.
I've run into him a few times, at redhot&boom and the mall and i think a party... and I just looked at him and looked away. Normally I try to make things better and forgive him and just pretend like nothing ever happened... but not this time. I just can't do it anymore. I love him more than life itself, but I don't want someone like that in my life. It's sad when his penis makes his decisions for him.
I've had two funerals in the last two weeks, and it's really beginning to take it's toll on me. I've already written about Max's funeral... but now Blake.. Where to start?
I met him through the different car meets, went to a few little parties at his house.. He was a great kid, he always went out of his way to make sure Kelci & I felt comfortable around him.. His mom got us drunk, lol. He was just an awesome person, and I can't believe he's gone. He was killed on 4th of July, racing on International Speedway. A little old lady pulled out in front of him and he swerved off the road. I'm not gonna get into the details of it, just for the fact that I can't handle thinking about it anymore. His memorial was saturday, his funeral was sunday... and it was prolly the hardest thing I've gone through lately.
Life is too short.. Why God took Blake from us so early, I'll never understand.. and once again, like with Max, I sat there thinking 'what if'.... I barely knew Max.. but I hung out with Blake. I can't imagine going to the car meets now, and not seeing his smiling face. I can't imagine driving down Saxon, and not seeing his cute cavalier. It's just so unfathomable to me. I'm close w. his best friends, justin & mike, and being with them at the funeral killed me. i can't imagine it being one of my best friends, i can't imagine that type of pain.
Rest in peace Blake - You'll always be in my heart
Wow. Ok. Blah.
Things w. Westley are amazing, as usual. He's just so comforting to me. I just wish it was possible for me to move out there. Especially now that I've realized how short life really can be...
My mom had another cancer scare. Her doctors noticed spots on her lungs and breasts, so she had to have abunch of testing done. It scared the hell out of me - I can't imagine watching my mom go through that pain again... and I know the chances of someone surviving cancer a 2nd time is slim. I'm so thankful it all turned out negative, it was something I was stressing over, big time.
I think I might go to Miami this weekend. I haven't seen the girls since like.. september.. and I need them. It'd be a nice little break from this town and all the sadness that has been around it lately. I have thursday/friday/sunday off... so I'm gonna try to get someone to take my saturday morning shift, and just head out thursday. The only problem is money. I'm fucking broke. LoL. I need to focus and start saving money for Hawaii again, but this trip is something that needs to happen wayy before I go back out to Hawaii.. Ya know? ugh. money is evil. i wish everything in the world could just be free.
In my last entry, I wrote how excited I was about my little date with Russell. It was something I'd been looking forward to, it kept me going thru the days... and the day before we were supposed to hang out, he tells me he didn't want to anymore because mindy wanted to spend the day with him. ouch. don't get me wrong - i understand his feelings for mindy, i understand he loves her, but... ouch. i was the one who held him in my arms when she broke up with him, i'm the one who saw my best friend completely shattered and broken, and i helped nurse him back to a normal life. he promised me he'd never let a girl come between the friendships he has. he hated billy when billy ditched us for jenn, and now russell is turning into the same person. I found out later on, that him and mindy only hung out for like two hours, LATER in the night.. so he could have very easily spent the day with me like promised, then went and hung out with her. no one said he couldn't do both.. i don't think i've ever been more hurt by him. we've been thru some tough shit, but this was prolly the most painful... i told him not to ever talk to me again until he grew up and realized who were the ppl in his life who truly fucking cared about him. I've dealt with his bullshit for so long, and I always forgive him for hurting me and shit.. but not this time. This time was just the final straw. I'm sure we'll make up in a few weeks.. maybe even months.. but for now, I don't want anything to do with him. I don't deserve to be ditched and treated like shit for no reason.
I've run into him a few times, at redhot&boom and the mall and i think a party... and I just looked at him and looked away. Normally I try to make things better and forgive him and just pretend like nothing ever happened... but not this time. I just can't do it anymore. I love him more than life itself, but I don't want someone like that in my life. It's sad when his penis makes his decisions for him.
I've had two funerals in the last two weeks, and it's really beginning to take it's toll on me. I've already written about Max's funeral... but now Blake.. Where to start?
I met him through the different car meets, went to a few little parties at his house.. He was a great kid, he always went out of his way to make sure Kelci & I felt comfortable around him.. His mom got us drunk, lol. He was just an awesome person, and I can't believe he's gone. He was killed on 4th of July, racing on International Speedway. A little old lady pulled out in front of him and he swerved off the road. I'm not gonna get into the details of it, just for the fact that I can't handle thinking about it anymore. His memorial was saturday, his funeral was sunday... and it was prolly the hardest thing I've gone through lately.
Life is too short.. Why God took Blake from us so early, I'll never understand.. and once again, like with Max, I sat there thinking 'what if'.... I barely knew Max.. but I hung out with Blake. I can't imagine going to the car meets now, and not seeing his smiling face. I can't imagine driving down Saxon, and not seeing his cute cavalier. It's just so unfathomable to me. I'm close w. his best friends, justin & mike, and being with them at the funeral killed me. i can't imagine it being one of my best friends, i can't imagine that type of pain.
Rest in peace Blake - You'll always be in my heart
Wow. Ok. Blah.
Things w. Westley are amazing, as usual. He's just so comforting to me. I just wish it was possible for me to move out there. Especially now that I've realized how short life really can be...
My mom had another cancer scare. Her doctors noticed spots on her lungs and breasts, so she had to have abunch of testing done. It scared the hell out of me - I can't imagine watching my mom go through that pain again... and I know the chances of someone surviving cancer a 2nd time is slim. I'm so thankful it all turned out negative, it was something I was stressing over, big time.
I think I might go to Miami this weekend. I haven't seen the girls since like.. september.. and I need them. It'd be a nice little break from this town and all the sadness that has been around it lately. I have thursday/friday/sunday off... so I'm gonna try to get someone to take my saturday morning shift, and just head out thursday. The only problem is money. I'm fucking broke. LoL. I need to focus and start saving money for Hawaii again, but this trip is something that needs to happen wayy before I go back out to Hawaii.. Ya know? ugh. money is evil. i wish everything in the world could just be free.