The Point of Insanity...
So I've learned something yet again over experiences that happened today and the past week. Some of the hardest thing for someone to do is confess their feelings and do what their heart truly desires, they let somethings hold them back. To even follow your heart they way people say to do is harder then jumping off that cliff and taking that risk. I don't know how to explain it, but I don't think I'm ever going to be able to take the risk the floats over my head now. I am being held back by myself and no one else. I'm the one causing the most pain no one else. I just do not want to keep acting like this is going to be miraculous when I think I know for a fact it's going to take so much work. I just...can't do that. I know I can't. Please no one be upset, but I can't do it. Also I've learned that people run away from their fears, which to me shows weakness, and I tend to lose respect for people like that. I just don't have the ability to trust them when they do that. I can tell you right now, that maybe I am truly running away from things, caring about others more then myself. But I like it better this way. It's more of a 'do as I say not as I do' type thing. I don't do what I say a lot of the time, but I can't help it. I really think I've lost my ability to trust, and to love. I'm becoming more...afraid? I guess is a good way to say it. I don't like to hide things, and I don't want to be all to myself. But it's the way I've happened to become, and even if it sucked just that much I don't know what to say anymore. I want things I don't think I'll ever let myself have. Please...I know I'm probably hard as hell to deal with, and I'm stubborn and probably almost insane. I really think I need time to find myself again, cause I think I'm really starting to lose my grip on reality and what is right. -sigh- I need help don't I?