Nov 28, 2005 15:47
Here's a conversation I had last night wih a friend, and it kinda explains my moodiness recently:
TwylytexX420Xx (11:21:47 PM): have you ever just really wanted to talked to someone but knew that if you tried everything would come ut wrong?
RadioFreeManch (11:21:54 PM): yes
RadioFreeManch (11:22:00 PM): i know exactly what you're talking about
TwylytexX420Xx (11:22:07 PM): well according to my comp you signed off and just now signed back on
RadioFreeManch (11:22:21 PM): sorry, i'm wireless, it does that periodically
TwylytexX420Xx (11:22:33 PM): ahhh okay then
RadioFreeManch (11:22:36 PM): but yeah, so who's got you tongue-tied?
TwylytexX420Xx (11:22:50 PM): a couple people
TwylytexX420Xx (11:23:38 PM): I'm hving a really bad time of trying to tell Gary why I've been acting so weird recently (brain chemicals being out of whack)
TwylytexX420Xx (11:23:55 PM): and I'd rather not say who the other 2 people are
RadioFreeManch (11:24:08 PM): can i at least ask why you'd rather not say?
TwylytexX420Xx (11:24:50 PM): it's kinda embarassing to me maybe not for others but for me it is
TwylytexX420Xx (11:25:30 PM): I mean I wanna tell these people how I care about them and what my mind and heart keep telling me what I should be saying but for some reason I can't
RadioFreeManch (11:26:19 PM): why is that embarassing? its your feelings
RadioFreeManch (11:26:34 PM): i hate to sound cliche, but the truth shall set you free
TwylytexX420Xx (11:27:50 PM): It's kinda like when I think about talking to them about what I want/need to talk to them about I get teary eyed and I just shove everything into the back of my head
TwylytexX420Xx (11:28:44 PM): and the cliche saying I've tried that shit before when I need to talk to someone and I lost them forever so ina way it set me free but not in the way I wanted
RadioFreeManch (11:29:04 PM): freedom isn't always easy
RadioFreeManch (11:29:15 PM): i'm free right now and i hate it
RadioFreeManch (11:29:26 PM): but thats because it's also challenging
TwylytexX420Xx (11:29:54 PM): I guess but I don't want to lose more people from my life ya know
RadioFreeManch (11:31:20 PM): i understand
RadioFreeManch (11:31:40 PM): i find that everyone i actually want to be near just keep getting farther and farther from me
TwylytexX420Xx (11:31:56 PM): I understand that
TwylytexX420Xx (11:33:25 PM): you know someday the two of us will be able to have a conversation that does not turn to morose subject matter, I hope
RadioFreeManch (11:34:02 PM): you've gotta get through the bad to find the good, or something
TwylytexX420Xx (11:34:16 PM): yeah yeah yeah whatever
RadioFreeManch (11:34:42 PM): so what kinds of feelings have got you all tied up?
TwylytexX420Xx (11:35:16 PM): that is where I get messed uop in conveying
RadioFreeManch (11:35:48 PM): well, general region of your feeling spectrum?
TwylytexX420Xx (11:36:34 PM): kind of like love but zi'm not sure but also hurt feelings from the past and regrets I can't pinpoint
RadioFreeManch (11:37:39 PM): well, if its got you this worked up, maybe you should preface it a bit, be like 'i haven't worked this through all the way... so wait until i finish to say anything' and just throw it out there, and then clarify later
RadioFreeManch (11:37:59 PM): sometime people understand better than you might think if you just try to say it
TwylytexX420Xx (11:38:41 PM): I don't know if you've ever notice but I'm not exatly addept at talking
RadioFreeManch (11:39:11 PM): like i said, ask for time to work it out outloud
TwylytexX420Xx (11:39:55 PM): you make it sound easier than it is for me
RadioFreeManch (11:41:19 PM): i know its not easy, but sometimes, its better to get it out, than to wait, and let it tear you up while you're waiting for it to be perfect, cause it may never be perfect
TwylytexX420Xx (11:42:05 PM): I know that it'll never be perfect but it may be better left unsaid in the long run due to circumstance
RadioFreeManch (11:42:38 PM): i guess it would help if i knew more about the situation
TwylytexX420Xx (11:44:54 PM): I wish I knew how to express my feelings to these peopla but it may make things worse due to fact that I commitedto a life with Gary and it may fuck that life up but it may make things better for Rora in the run or much worse
TwylytexX420Xx (11:47:24 PM): I meanI mayalso lose these people which I obviously care about alot and want to keep in my life because I normally can talk to them so well except for with this one subject per person
RadioFreeManch (11:48:38 PM): well, can i ask how you think this might effect your commitment to gary?
TwylytexX420Xx (11:49:14 PM): I could lose him or he might end uo not trusting me or something else along those lines
TwylytexX420Xx (11:50:13 PM): and it's like right now He's what Ive got for a father for Aurora and she loves him soo much and you can see it when she looks at him I don't want to mess with rory's life just cause my brain and heart are going in so many directions
TwylytexX420Xx (11:51:27 PM): and maybe my mind is coming up with these problems because I have such a huge fear of commitment
RadioFreeManch (11:52:24 PM): i think honesty is perhaps more important
TwylytexX420Xx (11:53:39 PM): and what would I tell hime "Honey I know I love you , but. . . I think I may also be in love with others as well and I'm not sure your the best fathe I can find for Aurora"
RadioFreeManch (11:54:32 PM): well, is that what you feel?
TwylytexX420Xx (11:55:17 PM): kind of but I don't know if I can trust my brain since I have so many fears and I constantly make problems up so that I can avoid facing those fears
RadioFreeManch (11:56:27 PM): well, it sounds like you realize what your problems are, now just try to work with them, take things into account, and just try to move in a positive direction
TwylytexX420Xx (11:57:27 PM): I don't know
RadioFreeManch (11:57:53 PM): you need to trust your heart and not settle for what you feel isn't right
so I'm ondering if any of you (dre, lips) know what I'm talking about or if any of you have any advice for me