Long time no see...
Well, A LOT has happened since last I updated this thing. I didn't think so, but people are actually starting to wonder. I've been so wrapped up in my lil corner of the world feeling sick and sorry for myself that I didn't think anyone cared, but guess what? Turns out I was happily wrong, so here's what's been going on for those who care to know.
Joe and I were supposed to get married the end of October... Rita took care of that... we tried to set another date the end of November.. no money.. FEMA fucked us like they did everyone else... Tried again the end of February.. still hadn't recovered enough financially.. so couldn't then either. Thanks fucking loads Rita!
I am heart broken about this, wondering if we even should get married. Maybe this is a sign that we shouldn't, but Joe's not having it. He refuses to give up. It hurts me that we will not have an actual wedding. We have no money to do so and aren't likely to any time soon. I don't mind it too too much. I've been married before, but this is Joe's first, so I wanted it to be nice for us.. but oh well.. not meant to be.. so one afternoon at the courthouse it is.. just have to get me well enuff to do so.
I think everyone knows we lost our home during hurricane Rita. That was a nightmare from hell! The evacuation, and.. fuck.. I won't even go there.. me and my stepdad no longer speak and he and Joe nearly came to blows... just to let you know how well it went.. anyways...
We are now living in the Bluff. We have taken up the notes on my sister's trailer. Nothing fancy but we are making it a home nonetheless. Things are going pretty well in that respect. Although, the baby's room is not just coming along slowly; it's not coming along at all..sheesh.. You can't even see over all the boxes..lol.. but on well, that too shall be tended to.. eventually.
Yes, for those of you who may not have heard, Joe and I are pregnant! I think he's more excited than I am..hehe.. soooo cute to watch. More on this later though. If I don't keep this in order my dumbass will leave things out.
I want to make this as complete as possible, since it's been a while and all. Oh, so I hope no one minds one long ass post.. heh.
Anyways, lost our home, stayed about 8 different places. And love and hugs and kisses and more than words can say too all that helped us out and we still owe the hell out of you and we haven't forgotten. :)
So we moved here in I think December are a lil sooner, but my sis didn't get out until then. We almost didn't have a Christmas, but as life usually happens when things seem unable to get any worse, at the last minute it all worked out.. got a tree and all.
Things were tight (still kinna are) but weren't going too bad until the end of January. I get a call from my mother one Sunday afternoon letting me know that Dillon had been outside with a couple of friends and some pellet guns, UNSUPERVISED!!! ...and he was shot in the eye. Point blank. It was loaded with a beebee thank God, and not a pellet, otherwise it would have shredded his eyeball. As it was, the beebee went under his eyeball and lodged kinna behind it.
Well, mother didn't take him to the ER and didn't want me to either, but that's a atory I won't go into. I think most everyone knows me and my mother's relationship well enough...the bitch.
Anyways, after weeks and weeks of pain and going to doctors multiple times a week in Lake Charles, Alexandria, and Lafayette, they were finally able to get the beebee out with a simple surgery. Now the problem was and still is, that the impact of the shot has damaged his retina, as far as can be told at this point, permenantly.
He is virtually blind in that eye. Left eye btw. Light and very fuzzy shapes come through the bottom 3/4. But the top 1/4 is still just blackness. He is still seeing specialists, but they don't have much hope for it. He is taking it way better than I would, but Dill has a way of doing that sheesh. He was very upset though to learn that he would not be able to fly. Anyone who knows Dill at all knows that was his passion.
So that was January into February. Well, in the meantime, I'm on this binge eating kick worse than I've likely ever been in my life. Not noticing it of course, and turns out I had been for many months. So I'm feeling like shit and finally go see a doc. This begins my rollercoaster of drugs and bloodwork.
I was on antidepressants to begin with right? Well I heard more and more bad about the one I was on, so I decided to get off.. cold turkey. Big mistake! Don't think I've been right in the head since. Anyways, the doc put me on a different one to help me get off the one I was on. It was a real bitch to say the least. I've had those close to me that would know, that they had less trouble getting off of far worse illegal drugs than the time I was having getting off of mine. It was hell, poor Dill and Joe can tell you for sure. I still feel guilty.
I was introduced to a wonderful sleeping pill though. I'm sure most of you know I have wicked insomnia. Worked great til I had to stop taking it.. baby and all, remember? Yes I was taking quite the laundery list for various things. Mostly stress and also, what the bloodwork turned up.
My triglycerides are over 800, my cholesteral over 300. I no longer have blood, I have sludge. Thyroid, liver, and kidneys are all not functioning up to parr either. My IBS was out of control. I am a stroke or heart attack waiting to happen at the least. Needless to say, some very big changes were in the process of being made in every aspect of my life. My doctor even ordered me back into therapy. The stress was literally killing me. I was working hard at getting a grip on everything.
Well, that carries us into March I think. I was feeling a lil better for a few weeks after me and my doc rearranged my lifestyle.. then I started feeling bad again. In fact, Dill's birthday was the middle of March and I was barely able to get msyelf to put anything together for him. I still feel guilty for that as well.
Well, a few weeks later, I found out why I was feeling so rotten and tired ALL the time. I was about 10 days late for my monthly visitor, so I asked Joe to pick up a test. He bought a 3-pack..lol. I'm sure you all know Joe well enough to know he has ALWAYS wanted a family.
Anyways, so I'm mid 30's (yes, I admit it, bluh.) and my son is 12, so I'm not really thinking too hard about having a baby. Well, life had other plans.
So I take the test at night when he brought it home. I told him this was all his show. He was going to read it. I didn't wanna do it. So I pee, cover the lil stick, hand it to him, and walk off. Time passes, Joe's still in the bathroom. I'm like, "Ok, I didn't wanna read it myself, but am I or not? Don't keep me in suspense!" He sitting on the edge od the tub reading the directions..lol. Looks up and says, "Maybe?"
One pink line was almost not even visible, and he was telling me the direction said that could happen. So we decide to do another in the morning before he went to work. So I get up, pee again, hand it to him, and get back in bed. He's getting ready for work and all and comes in to check the test. He starts grinning. I'm like, "Well...?" He says, "Start picking out names." with this big shit-eatting grin on his face. So began his nearly daily reminders that, "This is all your fault, fucker." Hey, at least I laugh when I say it... usually...lol.
I'm 19 weeks btw.
Well, I'm not sure how many of you know how sick I was with Dillon. I prayed not to be this time, but it didn't work out. I STAYED nauseated 24/7. Smells, sights, sounds, tastes, all made it worse. I was in bed, or on my knees in front of the toilet violently puking. I lost over 20 pounds, not that I didn't need to, but that's not how to do it sheesh. Hardly ate anything, puked most of what I did. Had to go to the hospital for bags of IV fluids. Fun stuff lemme tell you. It's hard for people to beleive or understand how sick I get. It's less that 20% who get this bad. My mother worked as an OB nurse for years, and I beat anything she's ever seen.
My sleep has been totally fucked as well. I wake up at all hours of the night. I couldn't tell you the last time I've had a full night of sleep. I end up sleeping in the day, because if I try to stay up all day to sleep that night, it wears me out and makes me feel so sick I end up puking. My phone stays on DND most of the time these days. But that message machine still works for people to leave messages, and I do eventually check them.
Well, I have bad insurance, so I got what I paid for as far as medical care goes to a degree. I ended up having to change doctors. Even still, it was only at my last visit that they finally listened to me when I tried to explain how sick I've been and how bad my health was when I became pregnant. They heard my words, but they weren't really listening to me. Well I mentioned all of that bloodwork I had done before and the results of it. That with the fact, that I'm still sick some of the time, and I'm still quite weak and I get dizzy and feel faint often, this finally got there attention.
I was informed that none of the problems I was having before I became pregnant improve with prenancy. (Nah, you think!?) That in fact, most will be made worse. Greater demand on my body, makes my improperly working organs work even harder. Not a good thing. My doctor also told me that the pregnancy hormones you release actually RAISE triglycerides and cholesteral. Really not good. My weakness concerns her greatly. I have had to do all of that bloodwork over again to see what being pregnant has done to evertyhing. Plus, she has ordered an EKG and is setting me up with a cardiologist due to other concerns that surfaced.
Needless to say, I am to take it VERY easy and avoid all stress at all costs until further notice.
I know I'm a pessimist, but I also knew that something was not right. You just feel it, deep down, you just know. Though with health like I've had lately, it wouldn't take a rocket scientist to figure it out either. So I haven't been having the best of times lately.
I go for an ultrasound in Monday to determine the sex. We are excited yes, but with all that's going on with me, we are really just hoping for healthy.. for the baby and for me too.
So I think that pretty much catches everyone up. I have just been off in my own lil hell for months now. I have been a crabby, cranky, self-pitying bitch for quite sometime now. I will say, all my guilt aside for the moment, I've had plenty to feel sorry for myself about lately in my opinion.
When everything is going to shit, I think the cliche' goes something like, "Well, at least you have your health!" Well, guess what? No. I don't.
I have not been a very good friend through all of this either, I know. I was too sick to lift my head through most of this and even when I wasn't I was busy feeling offly sorry for myself. I even felt sorry for myself for that. That no one was contacting me really, so I felt lost, left, forgotten, uncared about. Being so isolated by my sickenss. I feel like I'm over here dieing and everyone has forgot about me. I felt like I had no friends left...poor Joe too.
Well, turns out I was wrong, as usual. When I stop and think about it, though it hasn't been often, there have been those of you that have reminded me that I am still thought about. There are a few who do still care. And I feel like a heel for not seeing it. I apologize.
If I may say in my defense though.. when you're so sick for so long that a day feels like a week and a week feels like a month, it really can feel like forever in between yahoo messages, phone calls, or visits.
I am trying so hard to pull myself out of this shit though. I don't throw up all the time anymore, so I do have the odd almost good day here and there. Hopefully my doctor will get her shit straight and fix me enough so I can actually get out and see some of you people sheesh.
I have Joe and Dillon and we have a home and Joe has a good job and we have food and and and...I really really am trying to see the good, honest. But damn it's hard from where I am. It's hard to see past all of this sickness, but I'm trying.
Sorry I've been so scarce, but I so hope you all understand that I have so had my share of reasons. I will try to do better in the future. This post starts it. If nothing else, I will try to keep people informed on here. Can't say it will be everyday or anything, but it's a start at least.
Hope everyone is doing light years better than me.
Later all!
Joe and I were supposed to get married the end of October... Rita took care of that... we tried to set another date the end of November.. no money.. FEMA fucked us like they did everyone else... Tried again the end of February.. still hadn't recovered enough financially.. so couldn't then either. Thanks fucking loads Rita!
I am heart broken about this, wondering if we even should get married. Maybe this is a sign that we shouldn't, but Joe's not having it. He refuses to give up. It hurts me that we will not have an actual wedding. We have no money to do so and aren't likely to any time soon. I don't mind it too too much. I've been married before, but this is Joe's first, so I wanted it to be nice for us.. but oh well.. not meant to be.. so one afternoon at the courthouse it is.. just have to get me well enuff to do so.
I think everyone knows we lost our home during hurricane Rita. That was a nightmare from hell! The evacuation, and.. fuck.. I won't even go there.. me and my stepdad no longer speak and he and Joe nearly came to blows... just to let you know how well it went.. anyways...
We are now living in the Bluff. We have taken up the notes on my sister's trailer. Nothing fancy but we are making it a home nonetheless. Things are going pretty well in that respect. Although, the baby's room is not just coming along slowly; it's not coming along at all..sheesh.. You can't even see over all the boxes..lol.. but on well, that too shall be tended to.. eventually.
Yes, for those of you who may not have heard, Joe and I are pregnant! I think he's more excited than I am..hehe.. soooo cute to watch. More on this later though. If I don't keep this in order my dumbass will leave things out.
I want to make this as complete as possible, since it's been a while and all. Oh, so I hope no one minds one long ass post.. heh.
Anyways, lost our home, stayed about 8 different places. And love and hugs and kisses and more than words can say too all that helped us out and we still owe the hell out of you and we haven't forgotten. :)
So we moved here in I think December are a lil sooner, but my sis didn't get out until then. We almost didn't have a Christmas, but as life usually happens when things seem unable to get any worse, at the last minute it all worked out.. got a tree and all.
Things were tight (still kinna are) but weren't going too bad until the end of January. I get a call from my mother one Sunday afternoon letting me know that Dillon had been outside with a couple of friends and some pellet guns, UNSUPERVISED!!! ...and he was shot in the eye. Point blank. It was loaded with a beebee thank God, and not a pellet, otherwise it would have shredded his eyeball. As it was, the beebee went under his eyeball and lodged kinna behind it.
Well, mother didn't take him to the ER and didn't want me to either, but that's a atory I won't go into. I think most everyone knows me and my mother's relationship well enough...the bitch.
Anyways, after weeks and weeks of pain and going to doctors multiple times a week in Lake Charles, Alexandria, and Lafayette, they were finally able to get the beebee out with a simple surgery. Now the problem was and still is, that the impact of the shot has damaged his retina, as far as can be told at this point, permenantly.
He is virtually blind in that eye. Left eye btw. Light and very fuzzy shapes come through the bottom 3/4. But the top 1/4 is still just blackness. He is still seeing specialists, but they don't have much hope for it. He is taking it way better than I would, but Dill has a way of doing that sheesh. He was very upset though to learn that he would not be able to fly. Anyone who knows Dill at all knows that was his passion.
So that was January into February. Well, in the meantime, I'm on this binge eating kick worse than I've likely ever been in my life. Not noticing it of course, and turns out I had been for many months. So I'm feeling like shit and finally go see a doc. This begins my rollercoaster of drugs and bloodwork.
I was on antidepressants to begin with right? Well I heard more and more bad about the one I was on, so I decided to get off.. cold turkey. Big mistake! Don't think I've been right in the head since. Anyways, the doc put me on a different one to help me get off the one I was on. It was a real bitch to say the least. I've had those close to me that would know, that they had less trouble getting off of far worse illegal drugs than the time I was having getting off of mine. It was hell, poor Dill and Joe can tell you for sure. I still feel guilty.
I was introduced to a wonderful sleeping pill though. I'm sure most of you know I have wicked insomnia. Worked great til I had to stop taking it.. baby and all, remember? Yes I was taking quite the laundery list for various things. Mostly stress and also, what the bloodwork turned up.
My triglycerides are over 800, my cholesteral over 300. I no longer have blood, I have sludge. Thyroid, liver, and kidneys are all not functioning up to parr either. My IBS was out of control. I am a stroke or heart attack waiting to happen at the least. Needless to say, some very big changes were in the process of being made in every aspect of my life. My doctor even ordered me back into therapy. The stress was literally killing me. I was working hard at getting a grip on everything.
Well, that carries us into March I think. I was feeling a lil better for a few weeks after me and my doc rearranged my lifestyle.. then I started feeling bad again. In fact, Dill's birthday was the middle of March and I was barely able to get msyelf to put anything together for him. I still feel guilty for that as well.
Well, a few weeks later, I found out why I was feeling so rotten and tired ALL the time. I was about 10 days late for my monthly visitor, so I asked Joe to pick up a test. He bought a 3-pack..lol. I'm sure you all know Joe well enough to know he has ALWAYS wanted a family.
Anyways, so I'm mid 30's (yes, I admit it, bluh.) and my son is 12, so I'm not really thinking too hard about having a baby. Well, life had other plans.
So I take the test at night when he brought it home. I told him this was all his show. He was going to read it. I didn't wanna do it. So I pee, cover the lil stick, hand it to him, and walk off. Time passes, Joe's still in the bathroom. I'm like, "Ok, I didn't wanna read it myself, but am I or not? Don't keep me in suspense!" He sitting on the edge od the tub reading the directions..lol. Looks up and says, "Maybe?"
One pink line was almost not even visible, and he was telling me the direction said that could happen. So we decide to do another in the morning before he went to work. So I get up, pee again, hand it to him, and get back in bed. He's getting ready for work and all and comes in to check the test. He starts grinning. I'm like, "Well...?" He says, "Start picking out names." with this big shit-eatting grin on his face. So began his nearly daily reminders that, "This is all your fault, fucker." Hey, at least I laugh when I say it... usually...lol.
I'm 19 weeks btw.
Well, I'm not sure how many of you know how sick I was with Dillon. I prayed not to be this time, but it didn't work out. I STAYED nauseated 24/7. Smells, sights, sounds, tastes, all made it worse. I was in bed, or on my knees in front of the toilet violently puking. I lost over 20 pounds, not that I didn't need to, but that's not how to do it sheesh. Hardly ate anything, puked most of what I did. Had to go to the hospital for bags of IV fluids. Fun stuff lemme tell you. It's hard for people to beleive or understand how sick I get. It's less that 20% who get this bad. My mother worked as an OB nurse for years, and I beat anything she's ever seen.
My sleep has been totally fucked as well. I wake up at all hours of the night. I couldn't tell you the last time I've had a full night of sleep. I end up sleeping in the day, because if I try to stay up all day to sleep that night, it wears me out and makes me feel so sick I end up puking. My phone stays on DND most of the time these days. But that message machine still works for people to leave messages, and I do eventually check them.
Well, I have bad insurance, so I got what I paid for as far as medical care goes to a degree. I ended up having to change doctors. Even still, it was only at my last visit that they finally listened to me when I tried to explain how sick I've been and how bad my health was when I became pregnant. They heard my words, but they weren't really listening to me. Well I mentioned all of that bloodwork I had done before and the results of it. That with the fact, that I'm still sick some of the time, and I'm still quite weak and I get dizzy and feel faint often, this finally got there attention.
I was informed that none of the problems I was having before I became pregnant improve with prenancy. (Nah, you think!?) That in fact, most will be made worse. Greater demand on my body, makes my improperly working organs work even harder. Not a good thing. My doctor also told me that the pregnancy hormones you release actually RAISE triglycerides and cholesteral. Really not good. My weakness concerns her greatly. I have had to do all of that bloodwork over again to see what being pregnant has done to evertyhing. Plus, she has ordered an EKG and is setting me up with a cardiologist due to other concerns that surfaced.
Needless to say, I am to take it VERY easy and avoid all stress at all costs until further notice.
I know I'm a pessimist, but I also knew that something was not right. You just feel it, deep down, you just know. Though with health like I've had lately, it wouldn't take a rocket scientist to figure it out either. So I haven't been having the best of times lately.
I go for an ultrasound in Monday to determine the sex. We are excited yes, but with all that's going on with me, we are really just hoping for healthy.. for the baby and for me too.
So I think that pretty much catches everyone up. I have just been off in my own lil hell for months now. I have been a crabby, cranky, self-pitying bitch for quite sometime now. I will say, all my guilt aside for the moment, I've had plenty to feel sorry for myself about lately in my opinion.
When everything is going to shit, I think the cliche' goes something like, "Well, at least you have your health!" Well, guess what? No. I don't.
I have not been a very good friend through all of this either, I know. I was too sick to lift my head through most of this and even when I wasn't I was busy feeling offly sorry for myself. I even felt sorry for myself for that. That no one was contacting me really, so I felt lost, left, forgotten, uncared about. Being so isolated by my sickenss. I feel like I'm over here dieing and everyone has forgot about me. I felt like I had no friends left...poor Joe too.
Well, turns out I was wrong, as usual. When I stop and think about it, though it hasn't been often, there have been those of you that have reminded me that I am still thought about. There are a few who do still care. And I feel like a heel for not seeing it. I apologize.
If I may say in my defense though.. when you're so sick for so long that a day feels like a week and a week feels like a month, it really can feel like forever in between yahoo messages, phone calls, or visits.
I am trying so hard to pull myself out of this shit though. I don't throw up all the time anymore, so I do have the odd almost good day here and there. Hopefully my doctor will get her shit straight and fix me enough so I can actually get out and see some of you people sheesh.
I have Joe and Dillon and we have a home and Joe has a good job and we have food and and and...I really really am trying to see the good, honest. But damn it's hard from where I am. It's hard to see past all of this sickness, but I'm trying.
Sorry I've been so scarce, but I so hope you all understand that I have so had my share of reasons. I will try to do better in the future. This post starts it. If nothing else, I will try to keep people informed on here. Can't say it will be everyday or anything, but it's a start at least.
Hope everyone is doing light years better than me.
Later all!