Jason
32 years ago, my life was very messy. i was 20 with one child and expecting a second. i couldnt take birth control after having blood clots, my husband was a mess, too. it didn't help that he was seeing someone else and she was pregnant. ugh. lots of details left out, no need to regurgitate. it was just messy.
i made a decision to relinquish the baby i was carrying. i had no life, no support, no where to go. i wasn't quite sure how my son and i were going to make it - dragging another baby into the chaos didn't make sense. abortion wasn't an option for me - not that i am for or against, it just wasn't a decision that i, personally, could live with. i went thru a local agency and signed the paperwork while still pregnant. i did not have the support of family, his or mine.
when the time for delivery came - it was an uncomplicated birth. i was alone which was weird. he was a big baby, too - so i felt his presence for a long time afterwards. contrary to the agencies advice, i saw him. i also held him, made sure all the parts were intact, told him i loved him and wished him a happy life. there hasn't been a march 26th that hs gone by where i havent wondered who he is and what his life was like.
i kept in touch with the agency over the years, just in case he or his family needed to find me. I wrote letters, sent pics of me and his biological brother and sister. I asked for pics, too but respected the adoptive families rights not to share. but i guessed i always hoped.
i registered with several adoptee search web sites - i figured i was out here if he ever wanted to find me. i actually got some information back form the last place i registered - had a PI friend run the name and it looked like a pretty good match. i never could home in on a specific address or phone number - just as well, i decided not to pursue it. i never wanted to complicate his life.
well, monday i got a call. one day after mother's day. and i knew who it was before he said. it has been a surreal ride ever since.
i'm not sure what i expected. the conversation wasn't awkward or weird. it was like long lost friends catching up. we talked for over an hour and both had a tough time hanging up. a few hours later he sent me pictures. i just sat and stared at his very handsome face. his wife is lovely, too. they are expecting their first baby in October. we have emailed back and forth a few times and are actually planning a visit next week.
i am going to st louis to see my son and his lovely companion and their son. turns out that he, Jason is his name, lives about 4-5 hours away. i leave next monday and will be in st lo a week - somewhere within that week, we will meet face-to-face. i'm not worried or even anxious. i figure i am what i am and it's much too late to pretend otherwise.
my head has been spinning with thoughts, memories and questions. but, if i never heard from him again, it would be ok. i'm surprised at what a huge hole this experience has filled in my soul. just to know he is ok, has a good life and is a nice person. is enough :)
i made a decision to relinquish the baby i was carrying. i had no life, no support, no where to go. i wasn't quite sure how my son and i were going to make it - dragging another baby into the chaos didn't make sense. abortion wasn't an option for me - not that i am for or against, it just wasn't a decision that i, personally, could live with. i went thru a local agency and signed the paperwork while still pregnant. i did not have the support of family, his or mine.
when the time for delivery came - it was an uncomplicated birth. i was alone which was weird. he was a big baby, too - so i felt his presence for a long time afterwards. contrary to the agencies advice, i saw him. i also held him, made sure all the parts were intact, told him i loved him and wished him a happy life. there hasn't been a march 26th that hs gone by where i havent wondered who he is and what his life was like.
i kept in touch with the agency over the years, just in case he or his family needed to find me. I wrote letters, sent pics of me and his biological brother and sister. I asked for pics, too but respected the adoptive families rights not to share. but i guessed i always hoped.
i registered with several adoptee search web sites - i figured i was out here if he ever wanted to find me. i actually got some information back form the last place i registered - had a PI friend run the name and it looked like a pretty good match. i never could home in on a specific address or phone number - just as well, i decided not to pursue it. i never wanted to complicate his life.
well, monday i got a call. one day after mother's day. and i knew who it was before he said. it has been a surreal ride ever since.
i'm not sure what i expected. the conversation wasn't awkward or weird. it was like long lost friends catching up. we talked for over an hour and both had a tough time hanging up. a few hours later he sent me pictures. i just sat and stared at his very handsome face. his wife is lovely, too. they are expecting their first baby in October. we have emailed back and forth a few times and are actually planning a visit next week.
i am going to st louis to see my son and his lovely companion and their son. turns out that he, Jason is his name, lives about 4-5 hours away. i leave next monday and will be in st lo a week - somewhere within that week, we will meet face-to-face. i'm not worried or even anxious. i figure i am what i am and it's much too late to pretend otherwise.
my head has been spinning with thoughts, memories and questions. but, if i never heard from him again, it would be ok. i'm surprised at what a huge hole this experience has filled in my soul. just to know he is ok, has a good life and is a nice person. is enough :)