*sigh*
Recent events have gotten me thinking about a lot of different things in my life. I didn't really want to bring on the evaluation of these things, but it looks like it's going to happen whether I really like it or not.
How do you recover when the one person in your entire life that you KNEW without a doubt in your mind, without a single one lets you down. Threatens to throw everything away. How can I deal with that? How can you live when that person lets you down?
I've been thinking a lot about the nature of love. Even though my relationship with Sean wasn't a healthy one, the one thing I didn't have a doubt about was that he loved me. And I loved him. In all of my relationships since then, I've tricked a feeling of love out of all of my delusions. But to be honest with you, I don't think I've felt like I've been in a genuinely loving relationship (equal on BOTH sides) since then.
And that was four years ago.
I wonder if I can ever trust anyone again. Or love anyone again. I feel bitter and cynical and jaded and my heart just hurts all the way down to the core. I look around and see all the people who have someone, and I wonder... what is it that I don't have? Why can't I have someone too? I don't want to date a score of random people. I want to meet THE person. I'm sick of fooling around with all of this shit. I know all of the platitudes about waiting and the perfect one finding you when you aren't looking, but seriously. HURRY.
The one person who I thought for years might be the one is out of my grasp, and probably will never be in my grasp again, not that he really was in the first place.
I am so very tired of THINKING.
I wish I could just be numb and have all of this over.
How do you recover when the one person in your entire life that you KNEW without a doubt in your mind, without a single one lets you down. Threatens to throw everything away. How can I deal with that? How can you live when that person lets you down?
I've been thinking a lot about the nature of love. Even though my relationship with Sean wasn't a healthy one, the one thing I didn't have a doubt about was that he loved me. And I loved him. In all of my relationships since then, I've tricked a feeling of love out of all of my delusions. But to be honest with you, I don't think I've felt like I've been in a genuinely loving relationship (equal on BOTH sides) since then.
And that was four years ago.
I wonder if I can ever trust anyone again. Or love anyone again. I feel bitter and cynical and jaded and my heart just hurts all the way down to the core. I look around and see all the people who have someone, and I wonder... what is it that I don't have? Why can't I have someone too? I don't want to date a score of random people. I want to meet THE person. I'm sick of fooling around with all of this shit. I know all of the platitudes about waiting and the perfect one finding you when you aren't looking, but seriously. HURRY.
The one person who I thought for years might be the one is out of my grasp, and probably will never be in my grasp again, not that he really was in the first place.
I am so very tired of THINKING.
I wish I could just be numb and have all of this over.