(no subject)
I am watching the relationship of a young (and much loved family member) take shape; it's fascinating. Bill and I have been together for about 33 years and we have been working on our relationship with each other the entire time. Well, I've actually been the one doing most of the work cause Bill 'goes with the flow' and honestly doesn't seem to give much thought to why things are the way they are -- until they are not. As for me...I am incurably curious; I want to know what a person thinks and why they think it. I am a natural observer. Throw the two different personalities together add the vastly different perspectives that gender brings to the mix and it can get fairly heated at times.
My young relative is committed to her relationship and, from what I can tell, so is her partner. That's good because my experiences have been that sometimes that commitment is all you have to push you and your darling through to the next stage. I think most young women (and possibly men too,but not being one I'd rather not speak for them) believe that there is that one passionate love that is going to 'complete them,so in the early stages of their relationships they are constantly trying to gage how they figure into their partner's life. The men I have known don't seem to think about a new relationship in that way; they seem happy to have found a female that they can feel close to and have sex with.
When Bill and I were first married we had a friend of his over for beers. We were sitting quietly enjoying the fine weather and a lull in the conversation when this guy smiles and says "This is nice, just sitting not having to worry about what I should say next." Bill and I agreed and he continued to relate how his ex quizzed him when he was quiet about what he was thinking and how it drove him crazy because he never knew the right answer. Confused, I asked him what he meant by "...the right answer." he said that he told her the truth, which was that he wasn't thinking about anything in particular. Apparently she found that hard to believe so now he "wished I'd just lied and told her I was thinking about how great our relationship was, cause that is what she wanted to hear!" Bill grinned at me because I was guilty of asking him the same question. But, as I explained to Bill and his friend, I didn't ask him hoping for a particular answer I just would have liked some reassurance that when he sat with eyes glazed, oblivious to his surroundings that he was, indeed, still capable of thinking at all! It is still amazing to me that anyone can simply, without concentrated effort,stop thinking.
The first years of our relationship were the worst for me. I had been brought up completely different from Bill. I had siblings, Bill was an only child. My father was a career soldier, my mom stayed at home. We moved about every three years across the Southeastern US and several times to Europe. Bill's dad was an educator and his mother worked, he moved twice in his life - once from one small town to another small town about 15 miles away and then to Columbia when he was eleven years old. The differences are myriad and profound. Those differences produced two entirely different personalities and they haven't always appreciated each other; Bill is no 'fighter' but he can do passive-aggressive with the best of 'em. I, on the other hand, can cut to the bone with surgical precision and then savagely rip your heart out with a smile on my face - until - I am left to survey the bloody mess left behind and at that point would gladly rip my own heart out. I've learned to keep my mouth shut because no matter how much it hurts it cannot compare to the pain of knowing I've hurt the person I love most and you really can't 'take it back'.
So thirty three years later I am starting to know Bill a little better, I no longer take for granted that I understand his motives for what he does or thinks; as a matter-of-fact, I'm beginning to suspect that Bill is not as un-reflective as I thought... I am learning every day and enjoying it. I hope for my young relative that she and her fiance realize (sooner than later is always nice) that no matter how close or intense their relationship is now, they can't really know each other yet and shouldn't take for granted that they do.
Any human worth their salt is an ongoing development and half of the fun and excitement of loving someone comes from taking part in the process.
My young relative is committed to her relationship and, from what I can tell, so is her partner. That's good because my experiences have been that sometimes that commitment is all you have to push you and your darling through to the next stage. I think most young women (and possibly men too,but not being one I'd rather not speak for them) believe that there is that one passionate love that is going to 'complete them,so in the early stages of their relationships they are constantly trying to gage how they figure into their partner's life. The men I have known don't seem to think about a new relationship in that way; they seem happy to have found a female that they can feel close to and have sex with.
When Bill and I were first married we had a friend of his over for beers. We were sitting quietly enjoying the fine weather and a lull in the conversation when this guy smiles and says "This is nice, just sitting not having to worry about what I should say next." Bill and I agreed and he continued to relate how his ex quizzed him when he was quiet about what he was thinking and how it drove him crazy because he never knew the right answer. Confused, I asked him what he meant by "...the right answer." he said that he told her the truth, which was that he wasn't thinking about anything in particular. Apparently she found that hard to believe so now he "wished I'd just lied and told her I was thinking about how great our relationship was, cause that is what she wanted to hear!" Bill grinned at me because I was guilty of asking him the same question. But, as I explained to Bill and his friend, I didn't ask him hoping for a particular answer I just would have liked some reassurance that when he sat with eyes glazed, oblivious to his surroundings that he was, indeed, still capable of thinking at all! It is still amazing to me that anyone can simply, without concentrated effort,stop thinking.
The first years of our relationship were the worst for me. I had been brought up completely different from Bill. I had siblings, Bill was an only child. My father was a career soldier, my mom stayed at home. We moved about every three years across the Southeastern US and several times to Europe. Bill's dad was an educator and his mother worked, he moved twice in his life - once from one small town to another small town about 15 miles away and then to Columbia when he was eleven years old. The differences are myriad and profound. Those differences produced two entirely different personalities and they haven't always appreciated each other; Bill is no 'fighter' but he can do passive-aggressive with the best of 'em. I, on the other hand, can cut to the bone with surgical precision and then savagely rip your heart out with a smile on my face - until - I am left to survey the bloody mess left behind and at that point would gladly rip my own heart out. I've learned to keep my mouth shut because no matter how much it hurts it cannot compare to the pain of knowing I've hurt the person I love most and you really can't 'take it back'.
So thirty three years later I am starting to know Bill a little better, I no longer take for granted that I understand his motives for what he does or thinks; as a matter-of-fact, I'm beginning to suspect that Bill is not as un-reflective as I thought... I am learning every day and enjoying it. I hope for my young relative that she and her fiance realize (sooner than later is always nice) that no matter how close or intense their relationship is now, they can't really know each other yet and shouldn't take for granted that they do.
Any human worth their salt is an ongoing development and half of the fun and excitement of loving someone comes from taking part in the process.