Beltane, in short
So a friend came to visit me today, and she asked me how Beltane was.
I've been spending the last few days rolling the whole event around in my head, trying to figure out how I feel about the event as a whole.
"Professionally," I said, "It went really well."
The one class I taught had a good number of people in it, and people seemed to genuinely enjoy and learn from it. The Gender Bender Ball was a raging success and lots of people want to see it happen again. I was able to serve as Kinky Priest and Shaman for people, which always makes me happy.
"Personally, it was all over the map. Mostly negative, but not entirely."
My car died because someone else left my lights on after borrowing it. I got into a really big fight with Ninja that has yet to really resolve. I realized that I do not feel at home in the Fires of Venus ritual space, which has big reprocussions. A lot of people I love failed to respect my new-ish gender identity, specifically calling me a "woman" or "Miss" or other feminine words that kept triggering me.
On the other hand, I received stellar service from my potential submissive, had three really hot scenes, including one with my Dad's wife - a Loki's Wife, not my dead paternal figure - got Sir Q to take pictures of a hot woman wearing my needles, created a relationship with a member of my leather family I had not connected with before.
Overall, when the event came to a stop, I was happy it was over.
I don't know. I love Beltane - it's my absolutely favorite event all season. But this year I let it overwhelm me in a lot of ways. I have to find a way to participate in the event that doesn't overtax me, and that includes finding a safe space to sleep where I am not awoke by loud sex at 4am. I have to find a way to involve myself by teaching and facilitating, but only within the realms of what I can give. I have to find a way to clearly negotiate what I want to happen with the people I am in relationship with who happen to be there - both what we'll do together, and what we'll do when we're apart.
Right now, I'm in a funk about it, and I know I'll go again next year, but I feel like I want to throw a bit of a tantrum about it. Last year, I found out my paternal figure had died while I was there. This year, I just had a ream of bad experiences that didn't help me fall back in love with the event the way I wanted to. I know I'll be back, but I want to lie and say I won't. I guess I want some comforting, some sense that people care I had a difficult time and want to ally with me to make next year better than the last two.
I need to talk to the organizers about accessibility. It really upsets me that the handicapped entrance to the dining hall is locked during meals. That the times I didn't have my own car, I found myself stranded for long periods of time. How disimpowering it feels not to be able to get around on one's own. I was fairly weak during Beltane, and when my car died I lost all sense of mobility.
I love this event so much, but we're definitely out of the honeymoon stage. Now I just need to decide if I love her burping and farting all the time.
I've been spending the last few days rolling the whole event around in my head, trying to figure out how I feel about the event as a whole.
"Professionally," I said, "It went really well."
The one class I taught had a good number of people in it, and people seemed to genuinely enjoy and learn from it. The Gender Bender Ball was a raging success and lots of people want to see it happen again. I was able to serve as Kinky Priest and Shaman for people, which always makes me happy.
"Personally, it was all over the map. Mostly negative, but not entirely."
My car died because someone else left my lights on after borrowing it. I got into a really big fight with Ninja that has yet to really resolve. I realized that I do not feel at home in the Fires of Venus ritual space, which has big reprocussions. A lot of people I love failed to respect my new-ish gender identity, specifically calling me a "woman" or "Miss" or other feminine words that kept triggering me.
On the other hand, I received stellar service from my potential submissive, had three really hot scenes, including one with my Dad's wife - a Loki's Wife, not my dead paternal figure - got Sir Q to take pictures of a hot woman wearing my needles, created a relationship with a member of my leather family I had not connected with before.
Overall, when the event came to a stop, I was happy it was over.
I don't know. I love Beltane - it's my absolutely favorite event all season. But this year I let it overwhelm me in a lot of ways. I have to find a way to participate in the event that doesn't overtax me, and that includes finding a safe space to sleep where I am not awoke by loud sex at 4am. I have to find a way to involve myself by teaching and facilitating, but only within the realms of what I can give. I have to find a way to clearly negotiate what I want to happen with the people I am in relationship with who happen to be there - both what we'll do together, and what we'll do when we're apart.
Right now, I'm in a funk about it, and I know I'll go again next year, but I feel like I want to throw a bit of a tantrum about it. Last year, I found out my paternal figure had died while I was there. This year, I just had a ream of bad experiences that didn't help me fall back in love with the event the way I wanted to. I know I'll be back, but I want to lie and say I won't. I guess I want some comforting, some sense that people care I had a difficult time and want to ally with me to make next year better than the last two.
I need to talk to the organizers about accessibility. It really upsets me that the handicapped entrance to the dining hall is locked during meals. That the times I didn't have my own car, I found myself stranded for long periods of time. How disimpowering it feels not to be able to get around on one's own. I was fairly weak during Beltane, and when my car died I lost all sense of mobility.
I love this event so much, but we're definitely out of the honeymoon stage. Now I just need to decide if I love her burping and farting all the time.