One Day Off
Title: One Day Off
Characters: Jack/Ianto, Tosh, Owen, Gwen, Rhys, Andy, a little old lady and lots of innocent bystanders
Word Count: ~5500ish
Rating: pg-13
Warnings: utter fluffiness (I mean it), some sillyness and unexpected naked-ness
Spoilers: none
Disclaimer: Torchwood belongs not to me but RTD and the BBC, I don't get money for any of this. Hitchhiker's doesn't belong to me either
Author's notes: An early Birthday fic for missthingsplace with Jack and Ianto having a day off, just like requested aaand fun and fluffiness ^^ Two days early because my internet decided to hate me lately and I'm afraid I won't be able to post it in time otherwise xP.
5 am, it was a calm and beautiful morning in the city of Cardiff, some maybe would have called it serene.
The sky was clear, the sun was singing, birds were shining and Owen Harper was naked.
He didn't like it.
Not because he maintained a strange aversion against his own physique in its purest form.
On the contrary, there were moments where he really enjoyed the state of nudeness with his body, especially when it was safely tucked into his soft sheets and preferably right next to a gorgeous woman who would be - in most of those cases - be nude too. With a proper lever of alcohol in his blood you could have given him a bongo and he would have bongoed away. Of course this would have all happened within the confinements of his own and cosy flat.
Sadly enough for him fact was that Owen Harper wasn’t standing in his flat where he could have dealt with his nudeness.
No. Owen Harper stood on a prominent junction somewhere in the centre of Cardiff.
“Oh you’ve got to be kidding me!”
Thankfully it was early enough for him to avoid rush hour, still Owen dreaded the thought of flashing his way down to the bay. He wouldn’t risk the possibility to be picked up by a stray patrol, Gwen would tease him with this story forever and her friend, that blonde PC would only rub it in. Instead Owen had a different idea.
And so he made a run for it, cursing the invention of CCTV, mobile cameras and cameras in general when he passed a few mildly confused and slightly intimidated joggers (you would have been intimidated too if you saw his killer glance), not knowing that he, Owen Harper, was indeed kidded around.
And all the way Owen felt like he heard someone laughing. Maybe he was just paranoid.
*~*~*
At the same instant Captain Jack Harkness found himself in the state of nudeness too but unlike his - at times - cynic medic and employee he felt quite content with his current situation. Not the least probably because he, unlike Owen, was safely tucked into a warm bed.
It was a warm and fuzzy contentment, a comfortable contentment only amplified by the fact that Ianto Jones, gorgeous Welshman, employee but most of all Jack’s lover was currently using him as a snug pillow-replacement.
Ianto, of course, was completely bare too.
Oh yes, Jack Harkness was quite content with his own nudity and hoped it would stay for only a little longer, preferably with his favourite naked Welshman half draped over it. Jack sighed and put his arm around his young lover’s waist.
A snore escaped the young man’s lips and Jack couldn’t help a chuckle, Ianto was really cute in his sleep.
*~*~*
Gwen Cooper, on the contrary, was fully clothed and completely knackered.
Munch. Munch. Munch.
She moaned took her throbbing head between her hands and decided that going out on the day before Jack and Ianto’s day off definitely hadn’t been one of her brightest decisions. But hey, who was she to deny one of her oldest friends her Hen Night? She already had to decline the possibility of becoming a bridesmaid, how could she not throw the Hen Night party instead? That would have been rude, right? Liz wouldn’t have another one - hopefully - anytime soon she told herself and ended her five seconds of reasoning with a straight shot of Tequila. And another one. And another one…until she couldn’t count it anymore. Bloody Tequila.
Munch. Munch.
“Uuurgh Rhyyys!” And now as this nasty little bugger called hangover decided to do a pretty good Michael Flatley-impression inside of her head Gwen slowly began to regret her fifth Tequila...and every subsequent one…
She did her best to raise her lead-like lids to glare at her currently (very) well tempered fiancée who had - not so - suddenly decided to take delight in a good, traditional English breakfast for a change.
“Whaat?” he asked, still munching but not without a mischievous sparkle in his eyes “Want a sausage?”
Apparently he couldn’t help a chuckle when Gwen met the still dripping sausage with a disgusted excuse for a grunt. “Whay ar shou alwedy up anyway?”
Munch. Munch. Munch.
Ooh, her head felt like it was going to explode.
Gwen shot him a glare and muttered something under her breath before she audibly slurred “Jack…Ianto…day off…uuurgh…morning…shift…”
She couldn’t help an involuntary groan when Rhys’ next bite into his toast slice turned out to be an extra noisy munch. “Yu wealy shink trinking wet much wash a guhd idea shen?”
Munch…Munch…
She loved him.
Yes, she loved him.
Gwen Cooper loved Rhys Williams and no matter how…
Munch
Loud…
Munch
And Noisy…
Munch
She really loved him a lot.
MUNCH
At least she desperately tried to remember this simple fact.
Then he bit into an especially juicy bit of black pudding.
“Rhyyyyyyyyys!!!”
*~*~*
Toshiko Sato couldn’t say she was complaining.
Absolutely not.
Okay, she had been annoyed being rang up this early in the morning at first.
There was practically nothing she dreaded more than having to open her entrance door in a dressing gown. It was just a minor quirk but not completely unjustified. There had always been something of a loss of dignity about meeting others not - at least completely - attired for her.
Then she opened the door.
“Morning Tosh.”
Owen Harper…
In his birthday suit…
On her threshold…
Desperately trying to shield his most private parts with both his hands.
Priceless.
This was the moment Toshiko Sato knew there was a God.
Thank you.
She folded her arms in front her chest and smirked towards the red-faced medic. “I hope this isn’t a poor attempt for an early birthday present. Like every good girl I usually prefer jewellery, you know.”
“Yeah, once I’m in I’ll pull a pearl necklace out of my arse but for now I’m literally trying not to prevent my bollocks from freezing off. So would you take a heart and let me in? Please?”
“Sure.” Tosh laughed softly, shook her head and offered him her dressing gown; she still had her night gown to keep her decency.
Unlike Owen.
She couldn’t help a grin after checking him thoroughly out.
Nice.
He could need some sit-ups though…
“But…” Tosh pulled the gown back before his hands could grasp the material “Only if you were just pulling my leg with those pearls. I want a proper gift and no weird sex toy of yours.”
“Okay.” Owen smiled and took the dressing gown before he stepped into the warmth of Tosh’s flat.
“No jewellery for Tosh that entered my digestive tract in any way, noted that. Hope Gwen doesn’t mind pearls for her birthday.”
“Owen!” Tosh laughed and remembering her duties as a host she directed him to sit down at her eating table. “Anything I could help you with?”
“Some clothes would be nice.” The doctor scowled “And a stiff drink.”
“No drinks in the morning.” She stated cheerily. “This might suit your needs a little better.”
Owen didn’t pull a face when Tosh set a steaming cup of Earl Grey in front of his nose.
He took a sniff and eyed the tea suspiciously “Not so much of a tea drinker, you know…”
Then he took a large gulp, sighed, grabbed a large chocolate crisp cookie from the plate she had just prepared and continued munching “But I shink you mait be wuait on shish one.”
“Now…” Tosh smiled and put her chin on her folded palms “Would you tell me what gives me the honour of your early morning visit?”
“If ai nue Tosh…” Owen groaned, still munching on his cookie. ”If ai nue…” He took one last gulp and finished his tea in one draught, then he looked at Tosh who desperately tried not to laugh over the fact that Owen currently bore more than just great resemblance to a hamster. ”You’ve got some milk to go with these cookies?”
*~*~*
Jack was standing in the kitchen when he felt two arms wrapping around his chest. With a grin on his face he turned around and pressed a fond kiss into Ianto’s forehead. Ianto was dressed into a shirt and jog bottoms, he still looked pretty sleep dazed and his hair was sticking into every direction. Cute.
This absolute lack of groomed-perfectness was a nice change for once and Jack decided that this side of Ianto was more than adorable. Sadly enough, they didn’t often get the chance to share many days like this one. “Morning sunshine, breakfast is on the table. I hope you’re hungry.”
He chuckled at the incomprehensible mumble he got as a reply and held up a beaker. “Bought you your favourite coffee too.” Ianto grabbed the beaker, gave Jack a quick peck on his cheek before he finished his coffee in one draught. “Aaaah, thanks, just what I needed.”
“Sure.” Jack smirked and pulled the smiling Welshman closer to his body “I couldn’t say I didn’t have any ulterior motives though.”
“I see.” Ianto edged closer until his lips almost touched the shell of Jack’s left ear. “What’s for breakfast?”
“Hmm…”Jack growled in a low, rumbling voice “Fresh fruit, pancakes, whipped cream and maple syrup.”
“Well…” The young man drew his head back, slow, deliberately slow, only stopping when only a hair’s breadth separated his lips from Jack’s “With a little bit of creativity this might suffice for a proper reward.”
“Oooh…” Ianto couldn’t help an involuntary yelp when Jack grabbed him on his hips with one hand and around his neck with the other one to snog the life out of him. Soon the surprised gurgle made way for a pleased purr and Ianto responded to the kiss. Both gasped when they broke for air and Jack pressed another fond kiss into Ianto’s left temple “I really hoped you would say that.”
“Alright. Your reward…” The young man freed himself from Jack’s grasp, strode over to the table and smirked seductively at the captain “Your choice. Grapes or whipped cream first?”
“You disappoint me Ianto.” Jack chuckled at Ianto’s cocked eyebrow and crossed the distance between the two of them to kiss the frown away “There’s surely gotta be a way to combine both.”
“You’re right” Ianto laughed. “I should know better.”
“Hmm…”Jack hummed, lavishing his lover’s throat with butterfly kisses. “Yes you should… and I’m all for the maple syrup.”
A low chuckle went through Ianto’s body. “That’s so American.” he replied with a well timed eye-roll
Jack just picked the bottle with a smirk and kissed the young man on his lips “Don’t worry, we’ve got plenty time to play with your grapes and the cream.”
With a quick movement Ianto grabbed the bottle with syrup out of Jack's hand and ran off laughing “Don’t forget the pancakes!”
The captain chuckled, took the prepared tray and followed the young man to the bedroom
“Never.”
*~*~*
Gwen couldn’t really recall how she got into the hub.
Not that it mattered, really. She was there, right?
And apparently she was the first. That was unusual.
Well, on a second thought…it wasn’t because Jack and Ianto practically lived in the hub.
Their day off was good, they needed a holiday from time to time.
Not that her throbbing head was currently good for any kind of thinking.
The only thing she mourned was the loss of Ianto’s fabulous coffee when she gulped that coffee shop stuff down. It wasn’t that bad actually - she practically lived on this coffee in her PC-times - but who could expect her to accommodate to this brew after having tasted the heavenly blend of her young colleague?
At times like these Gwen suspected that this all belonged to an evil plot to overtake the world with coffee. She sniffed on her beaker and sighed… Ianto’s coffee would have the addicting qualities. She took another sip and pulled a face. She would probably be the first one to follow King Ianto…right after Jack. Nobody could beat his addictive behaviour when it came to down to Ianto…and his coffee of course.
Bwah, her head…
Gwen was going to take another draught when she realized that her beaker was gone.
“Huh?”
Her hands were empty. She looked at her desk. The desk was empty too.
Gwen scratched her head. “Now where have you gone you little bugger?”
Then she detected the beaker on the floor.
Strange…how did it get there?
Alcohol…Gwen rubbed her temples. Never again!
She struggled a little to accomplish the troublesome task of crouching down.
Bloody hangover…
But as soon as her hands were down to grab it the beaker was gone.
Well, not gone, rather more than a metre away from her hand.
There was no way she could have misjudged the distance so badly.
She approached the beaker again but just like before it was gone before she could touch it.
Gwen groaned, this was all a bad joke, right?
And all the while she imagined hearing a faint giggle and an annoying ringing.
Bloody alcohol.
*~*~*
Tosh and Owen didn’t know what to say when they entered the hub.
But they knew what to do. They just looked at Gwen who seemed to chase a beaker on all fours with lewd curses, then at each other and started to laugh. “COME ‘ERE YOU STUPID…”
Owen chuckled and wiped a tear off his face when he watched the crawling Gwen.
Maybe this day wasn’t so bad after all…
“Is there anything we could help you with, Gwen?”
“Huh?” Gwen, who hadn’t noticed them froze and turned her head… very slowly… as if this action would make them disappear or go away…just like her beaker. But, unfortunately, they stayed…and unlike before the beaker stayed too…Hmpf…
“Tooosh, Oweeen…hi - is there a reason why you’re dressed like Arthur Dent, Owen?”
She took a sip, bwah…cold…of course.
Owen pulled a face that mirrored her expression pretty well but as he didn’t make any attempt to answer Gwen turned her gaze towards Tosh who was still sniggering. “He’s wearing my PJs and my dressing gown.” Tosh shook her head, laughing even more at Gwen’s wide eyed face.
“Not what you think Gwen.” Owen muttered “Just happens that I woke up this morning… somewhere on the streets of Cardiff… completely naked…thankfully not far away from Tosh. But far enough to shock joggers and a few old ladies on their morning stroll though.”
“Wha..???” Gwen’s eyes grew wider, giving her the impression of a fish.
“You should have seen him.” Tosh chuckled “I need to find the CCTV.”
“To delete it, right?” Owen asked hopefully.
“…yeah… delete.” Tosh answered with a smirk that did all but calm his worst fears.
“Did anyone ever tell you that you’re evil?”
“Not as far as I can recall Owen but insults definitely won’t keep me from burning it onto a DVD.” And with these words and a devilish grin Tosh sat behind her computer.
“Ooh, that’s just bad.” Owen muttered, palming his face.
“Tell me about it”, Gwen agreed, sipping on her cold coffee “There should be enough video material of me sticking my arse into the camera to make a whole army of fourteen year old boys happy.”
“Not with that vocab young lady.” Owen retorted, his eyes met with Gwen’s and both burst into laughter.
“Probably.”
*~*~*
Ianto sighed when the smell of freshly made bolognaise sauce entered his nostrils.
In this moment he felt a pair of arms around his waist and Jack’s lips against the shell of his ear “Mmmh, smells fantastic.”
“Wait until you’ve tasted it.”
“I can’t wait… there’s something I’d rather taste though...” Jack growled seductively.
“Shut it.” Ianto admonished him half-heartedly without turning his gaze from the simmering tomato sauce “You just did the laundry…thanks for that again.”
“You’re welcome” Jack murmured, pressing a kiss onto his throat. “I’m to blame for most of your dirty clothes anyway.”
“Don’t flatter yourself too much.” Ianto chuckled, half leaning against Jack. “You’re one reason for messy suits but definitely not the main reason.”
“A reason I should worry about?” The grin on his face grew wider when he felt Jack’s arms tightening only a little. “Only if you’re worried about exploding aliens, dinosaur shit, Weevil-waste or green goo in general.” Ianto replied with a kiss on Jack’s cheek.
“Sounds as if you would require my services more often.” Jack beamed.
“Yes please” the young man replied brightly and offered Jack the spoon to taste.
He kissed a fleck of tomato sauce off Jack’s nose-tip “You’re so cute when you’re ironing.”
“Cuter than when I’m at cooking or why did you practically snatch the cooking spoon out of my hands?”
“No, that was just a matter of self preservation.” Ianto chuckled “I’m lucky that I survived the other time you tried to cook stew for me.”
“Hey” Jack pouted “it’s not my fault that your ground chilli looks like cinnamon.”
“What does chilli have to do with stew anyway?”
“Come on, I just wanted to open your mind a little.”
“Oh” Ianto laughed “believe me, my mind was open, I would have never believed it but now I know that you actually can get high on Irish Stew.”
“Iredean Stew actually, but I had to improvise a little on the ingredients.”
Ianto put the water on the plate and turned his head to give Jack one of his killer eyebrows “Is it normal to see stars after eating Iredean Stew?”
“No…” Jack murmured pulling the young man closer “But it’s normal after a night with me.”
“Stop boasting.” Ianto chuckled, hooking his arms around Jack’s neck “You’ve got me already don’t you?”
“Yep…” Jack gave Ianto a fond kiss “You and pasta.”
“Not if you don’t release me.”
Jack cocked an eyebrow “Huh?”
Ianto just laughed and snapped his index finger teasingly against Jack’s forehead “I can’t cook the pasta with your arms all around me.”
“Oh that’s bad; ironing made me hungry” Jack replied even fastening his grip around Ianto’s waist. “Seems I’ve got to look for something else to eat.”
“No Jack!” Ianto slapped Jack’s hand away and chuckled at his lover’s first class pout “Remember the last time you said that? I won’t have my pasta sauce burned this time.”
“Hmpf, fine.” Jack mumbled and sat on a chair at the kitchen table and after a look at his lover’s arse in his jog bottoms he decided that he could wait for a little while longer. With this first class view, eating could definitely wait. Then Ianto bent forward to pull something out of the kitchen drawers and Jack wasn’t so sure anymore.
Over at the kitchen area Ianto just silently chuckled to himself and reduced the heat, just to be safe.
At times Jack was just too easy to read.
*~*~*
Owen was annoyed, but who could blame him? This has already been going on for hours. This had to stop now. “…Gwen?”
Rrriiiing. Rrrriiiiing. Rrrrriiiing.
“Huh?”
“Could you please answer your phone.”
First Gwen looked at Owen as if he was mad, then she grabbed into her pocket and pulled her phone out. ”Oh.”
“Ooh?” Owen stared at her unbelievingly “You’re phone’s been ringing since we’ve been here, who knows for how much longer and you didn’t notice? What’s with this retro-ringtone anyway?”
“Hey, with this headache you wouldn’t have noticed either.” Gwen replied defiantly and picked up the phone. “Cooper?”
“Gwen??? What the hell ‘Cooper’??? I’ve been ringing you for ages!!!”
“…Rhys?” Gwen blinked “Why are you calling?”
“Wh…? Gwen, where are you?”
“Errm…at work, where else?”
“You realize that your car is still outside of our flat, right? You bloody disappeared this morning!!!”
“I…wha…?”
“In one moment I asked you about our plans for tonight and then you freakin’ disappeared!!! Where were you? What happene…”
“Rhys, Rhys, Rhys, Rhys. I’m okay, don’t worry. I can’t say what happened. But I’m fine, okay?”
It took Gwen twenty more minutes to calm her agitated - and adorably worried - boyfriend and only after five more assurances that she was okay he let her off.
“Okay…” Gwen glanced over to her two sniggering colleagues. “Something’s definitely wrong!”
Tosh and Owen bust into laughter.
Gwen glanced from on to the other, not sure why they were laughing, they weren’t laughing at her, were they?
“What now?
Tosh desperately tried to hold it but failed miserably “Take a look at yourself.”
Gwen dreaded to follow her instruction and when she did she almost regretted doing so. “Oh that’s just mean.”
Owen didn’t even attempt to hold back his laughter.
*~*~*
‘Prissy’ would have never been a word Andy Davidson applied to himself.
There was a lot he could endure...
Because during his time in Cardiff and the police Andy Davidson had seen a lot.
But there was a limit and now he'd definitely reached it.
Andy picked up his phone and called the first person that came into his mind.
“Gwen?...I think there’s one of your spooky-doos going on here…How I know? Well…”
Andy looked down on himself “I’m wearing heels…yeah…I actually do wear a fitting outfit”
He scratched an itchy spot of bare skin over his heels “…And it’s way too short.”
He tried to pull his shirt over his stomach. “Oh it’s yours? …Nice... And you’ve got my uniform? ...Yep, that’s really my shoe-size... Ever thought about change? ...Yeah?” Andy scratched his hair and looked at his watch. “Could you meet me in ten minutes at my flat? My feet are killing me…and not that I’m complaining but people are beginning to stare.”
Twenty minutes later Andy Davidson was properly attired again and pretty happy about that, opposite him stood Gwen Cooper, equally happy. “You know the funny thing is, I got three requests for a date in your outfit and not everyone was male. I guess I should wear your stuff more often.”
*~*~*
Meanwhile Jack was sniffing free air…kind of…
He was bringing the rubbish to the refuse skip downstairs and…oh well, Jack crinkled his nose, whoever claimed that nothing smells sweeter than freedom apparently never had to carry a waste bag.
But hey, Jack happily did this chore if he really got the promised shower afterwards. What was a bit of stinking waste in the face of a glorious afternoon shower?
Jack whistled absently while he mapped out all the details of his reward on his way back.
“Having a good day my young lad?”
“Absolutely Mrs. Morris” Jack smiled broadly at the elderly woman “It’s a beautiful day.”
“How is young Mr. Jones doing?”
Florence Morris was one of these old cat ladies who resided in Ianto’s apartment complex.
She might have been a little bit nosy but all in all she was a nice and harmless woman
…And in a strange way she even was the first one to approve of Jack’s constant visits at Ianto’s.
“He is very well Mrs. Morris.” Jack replied pleasantly.
“Oh I’m glad to hear that, why don’t you visit once in a while for a coffee? I made fresh biscuits yesterday.”
“That would be wonderful Mrs Morris but there is work, you know.”
Jack put his hands into his pockets…
Only that his hands met bare skin.
Jack looked down on himself. “…Oh.”
He looked back at Mrs Morris again and was just in time to prevent the fainting woman from falling.
He couldn’t help a chuckle when he carried the elderly woman pick-a-pack to Ianto’s flat. What an image they must have offered to others. Thankfully there were no witnesses, Jack was not sure whether Ianto’s emergency supply on retcon would've been big enough.
Ianto’s eyes were wide when he opened his door. ”I hope you’ve got a proper explanation…”Ianto pointed at the pile of clothes at his feet. ”Why you left without your clothes…” Then he pointed at the old lady “And why you’re carrying Mrs. Morris on your back. You know that I’m pretty open-minded Jack” Ianto added chuckling “but even I do have my limits.”
“Actually…I didn’t.” Jack laughed and carefully let the woman down. ”I was properly dressed until I met her in the hallway. My clothes disappeared and she fainted, that’s the whole story and now I think I should ring the others we seem to have a Lokip-infection. Oh…and…” An evil smirk crept over his face “Remind me to have a closer look at the CCTV material tomorrow.”
“Sure… why?”
“Oh” Jack chuckled “You’ll see.”
*~*~*
“What’s it captain?”
Owen was a little bit stressed when she answered Jack’s call. He and the others had been driving around all day with nothing else than retcon in their pockets to wipe dozens of confused and partly traumatized people. Let’s just say there are things people are not supposed to see. Owen shuddered. Never ever. They had been so busy that he didn’t get to change his clothes yet. He was still running around like a stripper version of Arthur Dent but hey, he had retcon. Outfit didn’t really matter anyway, not if his clothes could disappear any second again
“Owen, might there be a chance that today various clothes and sometimes even people relocate?”
“Pff” Owen huffed “Yeah, you know what that’s all about?”
“Yep, it’s a bunch of mischievous aliens. They are harmless, really, and are well known for their pranks.”
“Yeah? And what if they pull such a prank in the wrong situation?”
“Doesn’t happen, they make sure that nobody gets harmed.”
“Cruel but benevolent you mean?”
“Kind of…” Jack’s chuckle crackled through the line “They often disappear as fast as they appeared but they’re troublesome.”
Owen pulled a face. “Tell me about it.”
“They’re usually invisible but there’s a trick to make them visible. All you’ve got to do is to hold each other’s hands, dance in a circle, take three turns and sing a crude song.”
Owen’s face darkened “You’re kidding me, right?”
“Absolutely not, they’ll appear in the middle of the circle to join you. That’s the moment to pull a bag over them, that’s how they’re caught.”
“And what are we supposed to do with these bags?”
“Let Tosh do a scan, you should easily find the crack where they slipped through. Take the bags and throw them back to where they came from. That’s the usual way to dispose of them.”
“That’s the way to dispose of them? Is that everything? No charms, spells or horseshoes to keep ‘em away?”
“Nope”, Jack chuckled “That should be everything. Need help?”
“Nah” Owen declined “Ianto would put me on de-caf. Go and watch a boring movie for us. Something tells me we won’t get to see one today.” He hung up and turned towards Gwen and Tosh “Okay ladies, I know what to do… and it involves lots of dancing.”
“What do you mean, da…” but Tosh didn’t get any further as she was suddenly wearing nothing but her underwear “Owen! Dressing gown!”
Owen handed her the dressing gown, muttering. “Hey, why am I the only one of us who had to walk around naked?”
Tosh ignored his mumble but suddenly looked very determined. “You said something about dancing?”
“Yeah, and singing.” Owen grinned. “Know any crude songs?”
Tosh grinned evilly “You bet.”
*~*~*
Jack was dressed again when Mrs. Morris woke up. They told her the story that she suddenly fainted in the hallway while she was talking to him and that he brought her home to Ianto’s flat. She bought it…apparently and repeated her earlier invitation. Still Jack couldn’t help noticing that blush in her cheeks when she looked at him.
Someone was in for pleasant dreams; Jack thought - not without a hint of smugness - and turned back to his equally grinning lover. “You still think not retconning her was a good idea?”
“Sure.” Jack replied “That’s the beauty with you people, she won’t believe it anyway. I’m too good to be true.”
Ianto slapped him. “You know, your head’s going to explode if you don’t stop now.”
He laughed when Jack spun him around and trapped him between the walls and his arms.
“And still you can’t get enough at me.”
Ianto smirked. “Absolutely not.” And met Jack’s lips with a kiss.
“Good.” Jack growled, adding “I do believe you promised me a shower, didn’t you?”
“I do believe I did.”
*~*~*
Tosh, Owen and Gwen stood in front of the crack, each one of them a big bag filled with lokips over their shoulders.
“That’s it then?” Gwen asked, still hung-over with her hair madly sticking into every direction.
“Yep.” Owen nodded. “According to Jack it should be over once we throw them back from where they came from.”
“What are we waiting for then?” Tosh asked and exchanged glances with the other two “I’ll count to three: One.”
Gwen joined “Two.”
“And three!” Owen finished, sending his bag almost simultaneously along with the other bags into the crack which instantly closed.
“Okay” Gwen said “I need a drink, anyone join me?”
“Sure” Tosh agreed, looking down on her dressing gown “At my place?”
“Only if your booze supply is big enough.” Owen replied.
“I think it should suffice.” Tosh chuckled.
“You know what?” Owen laughed, the amusement clearly visible in his eyes.
“No, what?” Both women answered almost in unison.
“42.”
“Oh.” Gwen blurted before she joined Owen and Tosh giggling.
“One in 365 days we get hit by a random prankster alien, that one day Jack and Ianto have off, I am dressed like Arthur Dent and the number of Lokips has to be 42?” Owen shook his head. “Madness.”
“This practically screams for 42 Tequila shots!” Gwen bawled
“Sure you’re not already having enough residue-Tequila in your blood-stream?” Tosh chuckled.
“Absolutely not.”
“Off we go then.” Owen threw in “Next stop, Tesco’s! Anyone got money?”
And off they went into the night, wondering whether Gwen had enough money in her pockets to pay for the limes but bearing this warm, fuzzy knowledge to have saved the world in their hearts.
…And if not the world, then at least the city.
~*~
In the meantime Rhys Williams looked at his watch, then at the fully prepared dinner on the table and decided to go and buy sausages. He looked at his watch again. Loads of sausages.
~*~
Somewhere in another corner of Cardiff Jack and Ianto sat at their dinner table feeding themselves with freshly cut fruit and cheese. Just while Jack fed Ianto a ripe strawberry a sudden realization hit him.
“What?” Ianto grinned, eating the fruit and licking the juice off Jack’s fingers.
“I was just thinking.”
“Ooh” Ianto picked a grape and propped it into Jack’s mouth. ”You know that thinking isn’t exactly one of your strengths.”
“Hey” Jack protested “I’m being serious here.”
“Oh really?” Ianto raised an eyebrow and slid a slice of mango into his mouth in such an alluring way that it was almost too obscene to watch. Jack didn't bother.
“Like to go out tonight?”
“Nope.” Ianto grinned and wiped a drop of mango juice from the corner of his mouth only lick it from his thumb with a seductive smirk “I’m pretty comfortable here with you.”
Jack sighed dramatically and caught Ianto’s hand “Same here. And you know what?”
He leaned over to catch Ianto’s mouth in a fruity kiss. “Now we’re officially domestic.”
Ianto’s expression froze for a second, long enough to fill Jack’s stomach with lots of little snakes called worry “You’ve got a problem with that?”
“No.” Ianto’s face suddenly broke into a smile which chased even the last snake away and could have lightened a dark room. He caught Jack’s face with a reassuring kiss and grinned at his dopily smiling lover “Absolutely not. I like being domestic with you”
“Good, cause I wouldn’t want to have it any other way...”
Ianto pulled a face “Why are you brooding now?”
“I’m trying to figure out a way to get a few more days off.”
“Later Jack!” Ianto laughed, now straddling Jack’s lap.
“We’ve still got dinner to finish and I do believe we’ve still got ‘Casablanca’ waiting for us”
“Did I ever tell you that I’m actually in that movie? I’ve got a bum role.”
“Oh shut it.” The young man chuckled, tracing Jack’s tendons with a strawberry.
“It's got a bigger role to fit here. Your bum is mine.”
“Absolutely.” Jack laughed and pulled Ianto in for a deep kiss “But I think you’ve got to claim it first.”
“Mmhh…” Ianto purred “I think I like this idea better than ‘Casablanca’.”
“We could watch it anytime.” Jack added, trying to keep his thoughts straight with Ianto’s lips all over his throat.
“I prefer you bum live anyway.” Ianto murmured huskily, opening Jack’s shirt button by button.
“I agree.” Jack chuckled while his lover slowly began to strip him. “Nothing beats the original.”
And so Ianto and Jack ended their night…kind of… their night actually ended very much later.
They never got to see ‘Casablanca’ but Ianto didn’t complain.
Jack’s real arse definitely did provide more satisfaction than its movie version.
1 am. The moon was shining, another happy couple sighed contently…
And so another (almost) harmless day ended for the Torchwood team.
*squishes* I hope you liked it Di! ;D
Phew, I think this is the longest oneshot I wrote in a very long time.
Feedback would be love as always and don't forget to send missthingsplace lots of hugs on wednesday! ;D
Characters: Jack/Ianto, Tosh, Owen, Gwen, Rhys, Andy, a little old lady and lots of innocent bystanders
Word Count: ~5500ish
Rating: pg-13
Warnings: utter fluffiness (I mean it), some sillyness and unexpected naked-ness
Spoilers: none
Disclaimer: Torchwood belongs not to me but RTD and the BBC, I don't get money for any of this. Hitchhiker's doesn't belong to me either
Author's notes: An early Birthday fic for missthingsplace with Jack and Ianto having a day off, just like requested aaand fun and fluffiness ^^ Two days early because my internet decided to hate me lately and I'm afraid I won't be able to post it in time otherwise xP.
5 am, it was a calm and beautiful morning in the city of Cardiff, some maybe would have called it serene.
The sky was clear, the sun was singing, birds were shining and Owen Harper was naked.
He didn't like it.
Not because he maintained a strange aversion against his own physique in its purest form.
On the contrary, there were moments where he really enjoyed the state of nudeness with his body, especially when it was safely tucked into his soft sheets and preferably right next to a gorgeous woman who would be - in most of those cases - be nude too. With a proper lever of alcohol in his blood you could have given him a bongo and he would have bongoed away. Of course this would have all happened within the confinements of his own and cosy flat.
Sadly enough for him fact was that Owen Harper wasn’t standing in his flat where he could have dealt with his nudeness.
No. Owen Harper stood on a prominent junction somewhere in the centre of Cardiff.
“Oh you’ve got to be kidding me!”
Thankfully it was early enough for him to avoid rush hour, still Owen dreaded the thought of flashing his way down to the bay. He wouldn’t risk the possibility to be picked up by a stray patrol, Gwen would tease him with this story forever and her friend, that blonde PC would only rub it in. Instead Owen had a different idea.
And so he made a run for it, cursing the invention of CCTV, mobile cameras and cameras in general when he passed a few mildly confused and slightly intimidated joggers (you would have been intimidated too if you saw his killer glance), not knowing that he, Owen Harper, was indeed kidded around.
And all the way Owen felt like he heard someone laughing. Maybe he was just paranoid.
*~*~*
At the same instant Captain Jack Harkness found himself in the state of nudeness too but unlike his - at times - cynic medic and employee he felt quite content with his current situation. Not the least probably because he, unlike Owen, was safely tucked into a warm bed.
It was a warm and fuzzy contentment, a comfortable contentment only amplified by the fact that Ianto Jones, gorgeous Welshman, employee but most of all Jack’s lover was currently using him as a snug pillow-replacement.
Ianto, of course, was completely bare too.
Oh yes, Jack Harkness was quite content with his own nudity and hoped it would stay for only a little longer, preferably with his favourite naked Welshman half draped over it. Jack sighed and put his arm around his young lover’s waist.
A snore escaped the young man’s lips and Jack couldn’t help a chuckle, Ianto was really cute in his sleep.
*~*~*
Gwen Cooper, on the contrary, was fully clothed and completely knackered.
Munch. Munch. Munch.
She moaned took her throbbing head between her hands and decided that going out on the day before Jack and Ianto’s day off definitely hadn’t been one of her brightest decisions. But hey, who was she to deny one of her oldest friends her Hen Night? She already had to decline the possibility of becoming a bridesmaid, how could she not throw the Hen Night party instead? That would have been rude, right? Liz wouldn’t have another one - hopefully - anytime soon she told herself and ended her five seconds of reasoning with a straight shot of Tequila. And another one. And another one…until she couldn’t count it anymore. Bloody Tequila.
Munch. Munch.
“Uuurgh Rhyyys!” And now as this nasty little bugger called hangover decided to do a pretty good Michael Flatley-impression inside of her head Gwen slowly began to regret her fifth Tequila...and every subsequent one…
She did her best to raise her lead-like lids to glare at her currently (very) well tempered fiancée who had - not so - suddenly decided to take delight in a good, traditional English breakfast for a change.
“Whaat?” he asked, still munching but not without a mischievous sparkle in his eyes “Want a sausage?”
Apparently he couldn’t help a chuckle when Gwen met the still dripping sausage with a disgusted excuse for a grunt. “Whay ar shou alwedy up anyway?”
Munch. Munch. Munch.
Ooh, her head felt like it was going to explode.
Gwen shot him a glare and muttered something under her breath before she audibly slurred “Jack…Ianto…day off…uuurgh…morning…shift…”
She couldn’t help an involuntary groan when Rhys’ next bite into his toast slice turned out to be an extra noisy munch. “Yu wealy shink trinking wet much wash a guhd idea shen?”
Munch…Munch…
She loved him.
Yes, she loved him.
Gwen Cooper loved Rhys Williams and no matter how…
Munch
Loud…
Munch
And Noisy…
Munch
She really loved him a lot.
MUNCH
At least she desperately tried to remember this simple fact.
Then he bit into an especially juicy bit of black pudding.
“Rhyyyyyyyyys!!!”
*~*~*
Toshiko Sato couldn’t say she was complaining.
Absolutely not.
Okay, she had been annoyed being rang up this early in the morning at first.
There was practically nothing she dreaded more than having to open her entrance door in a dressing gown. It was just a minor quirk but not completely unjustified. There had always been something of a loss of dignity about meeting others not - at least completely - attired for her.
Then she opened the door.
“Morning Tosh.”
Owen Harper…
In his birthday suit…
On her threshold…
Desperately trying to shield his most private parts with both his hands.
Priceless.
This was the moment Toshiko Sato knew there was a God.
Thank you.
She folded her arms in front her chest and smirked towards the red-faced medic. “I hope this isn’t a poor attempt for an early birthday present. Like every good girl I usually prefer jewellery, you know.”
“Yeah, once I’m in I’ll pull a pearl necklace out of my arse but for now I’m literally trying not to prevent my bollocks from freezing off. So would you take a heart and let me in? Please?”
“Sure.” Tosh laughed softly, shook her head and offered him her dressing gown; she still had her night gown to keep her decency.
Unlike Owen.
She couldn’t help a grin after checking him thoroughly out.
Nice.
He could need some sit-ups though…
“But…” Tosh pulled the gown back before his hands could grasp the material “Only if you were just pulling my leg with those pearls. I want a proper gift and no weird sex toy of yours.”
“Okay.” Owen smiled and took the dressing gown before he stepped into the warmth of Tosh’s flat.
“No jewellery for Tosh that entered my digestive tract in any way, noted that. Hope Gwen doesn’t mind pearls for her birthday.”
“Owen!” Tosh laughed and remembering her duties as a host she directed him to sit down at her eating table. “Anything I could help you with?”
“Some clothes would be nice.” The doctor scowled “And a stiff drink.”
“No drinks in the morning.” She stated cheerily. “This might suit your needs a little better.”
Owen didn’t pull a face when Tosh set a steaming cup of Earl Grey in front of his nose.
He took a sniff and eyed the tea suspiciously “Not so much of a tea drinker, you know…”
Then he took a large gulp, sighed, grabbed a large chocolate crisp cookie from the plate she had just prepared and continued munching “But I shink you mait be wuait on shish one.”
“Now…” Tosh smiled and put her chin on her folded palms “Would you tell me what gives me the honour of your early morning visit?”
“If ai nue Tosh…” Owen groaned, still munching on his cookie. ”If ai nue…” He took one last gulp and finished his tea in one draught, then he looked at Tosh who desperately tried not to laugh over the fact that Owen currently bore more than just great resemblance to a hamster. ”You’ve got some milk to go with these cookies?”
*~*~*
Jack was standing in the kitchen when he felt two arms wrapping around his chest. With a grin on his face he turned around and pressed a fond kiss into Ianto’s forehead. Ianto was dressed into a shirt and jog bottoms, he still looked pretty sleep dazed and his hair was sticking into every direction. Cute.
This absolute lack of groomed-perfectness was a nice change for once and Jack decided that this side of Ianto was more than adorable. Sadly enough, they didn’t often get the chance to share many days like this one. “Morning sunshine, breakfast is on the table. I hope you’re hungry.”
He chuckled at the incomprehensible mumble he got as a reply and held up a beaker. “Bought you your favourite coffee too.” Ianto grabbed the beaker, gave Jack a quick peck on his cheek before he finished his coffee in one draught. “Aaaah, thanks, just what I needed.”
“Sure.” Jack smirked and pulled the smiling Welshman closer to his body “I couldn’t say I didn’t have any ulterior motives though.”
“I see.” Ianto edged closer until his lips almost touched the shell of Jack’s left ear. “What’s for breakfast?”
“Hmm…”Jack growled in a low, rumbling voice “Fresh fruit, pancakes, whipped cream and maple syrup.”
“Well…” The young man drew his head back, slow, deliberately slow, only stopping when only a hair’s breadth separated his lips from Jack’s “With a little bit of creativity this might suffice for a proper reward.”
“Oooh…” Ianto couldn’t help an involuntary yelp when Jack grabbed him on his hips with one hand and around his neck with the other one to snog the life out of him. Soon the surprised gurgle made way for a pleased purr and Ianto responded to the kiss. Both gasped when they broke for air and Jack pressed another fond kiss into Ianto’s left temple “I really hoped you would say that.”
“Alright. Your reward…” The young man freed himself from Jack’s grasp, strode over to the table and smirked seductively at the captain “Your choice. Grapes or whipped cream first?”
“You disappoint me Ianto.” Jack chuckled at Ianto’s cocked eyebrow and crossed the distance between the two of them to kiss the frown away “There’s surely gotta be a way to combine both.”
“You’re right” Ianto laughed. “I should know better.”
“Hmm…”Jack hummed, lavishing his lover’s throat with butterfly kisses. “Yes you should… and I’m all for the maple syrup.”
A low chuckle went through Ianto’s body. “That’s so American.” he replied with a well timed eye-roll
Jack just picked the bottle with a smirk and kissed the young man on his lips “Don’t worry, we’ve got plenty time to play with your grapes and the cream.”
With a quick movement Ianto grabbed the bottle with syrup out of Jack's hand and ran off laughing “Don’t forget the pancakes!”
The captain chuckled, took the prepared tray and followed the young man to the bedroom
“Never.”
*~*~*
Gwen couldn’t really recall how she got into the hub.
Not that it mattered, really. She was there, right?
And apparently she was the first. That was unusual.
Well, on a second thought…it wasn’t because Jack and Ianto practically lived in the hub.
Their day off was good, they needed a holiday from time to time.
Not that her throbbing head was currently good for any kind of thinking.
The only thing she mourned was the loss of Ianto’s fabulous coffee when she gulped that coffee shop stuff down. It wasn’t that bad actually - she practically lived on this coffee in her PC-times - but who could expect her to accommodate to this brew after having tasted the heavenly blend of her young colleague?
At times like these Gwen suspected that this all belonged to an evil plot to overtake the world with coffee. She sniffed on her beaker and sighed… Ianto’s coffee would have the addicting qualities. She took another sip and pulled a face. She would probably be the first one to follow King Ianto…right after Jack. Nobody could beat his addictive behaviour when it came to down to Ianto…and his coffee of course.
Bwah, her head…
Gwen was going to take another draught when she realized that her beaker was gone.
“Huh?”
Her hands were empty. She looked at her desk. The desk was empty too.
Gwen scratched her head. “Now where have you gone you little bugger?”
Then she detected the beaker on the floor.
Strange…how did it get there?
Alcohol…Gwen rubbed her temples. Never again!
She struggled a little to accomplish the troublesome task of crouching down.
Bloody hangover…
But as soon as her hands were down to grab it the beaker was gone.
Well, not gone, rather more than a metre away from her hand.
There was no way she could have misjudged the distance so badly.
She approached the beaker again but just like before it was gone before she could touch it.
Gwen groaned, this was all a bad joke, right?
And all the while she imagined hearing a faint giggle and an annoying ringing.
Bloody alcohol.
*~*~*
Tosh and Owen didn’t know what to say when they entered the hub.
But they knew what to do. They just looked at Gwen who seemed to chase a beaker on all fours with lewd curses, then at each other and started to laugh. “COME ‘ERE YOU STUPID…”
Owen chuckled and wiped a tear off his face when he watched the crawling Gwen.
Maybe this day wasn’t so bad after all…
“Is there anything we could help you with, Gwen?”
“Huh?” Gwen, who hadn’t noticed them froze and turned her head… very slowly… as if this action would make them disappear or go away…just like her beaker. But, unfortunately, they stayed…and unlike before the beaker stayed too…Hmpf…
“Tooosh, Oweeen…hi - is there a reason why you’re dressed like Arthur Dent, Owen?”
She took a sip, bwah…cold…of course.
Owen pulled a face that mirrored her expression pretty well but as he didn’t make any attempt to answer Gwen turned her gaze towards Tosh who was still sniggering. “He’s wearing my PJs and my dressing gown.” Tosh shook her head, laughing even more at Gwen’s wide eyed face.
“Not what you think Gwen.” Owen muttered “Just happens that I woke up this morning… somewhere on the streets of Cardiff… completely naked…thankfully not far away from Tosh. But far enough to shock joggers and a few old ladies on their morning stroll though.”
“Wha..???” Gwen’s eyes grew wider, giving her the impression of a fish.
“You should have seen him.” Tosh chuckled “I need to find the CCTV.”
“To delete it, right?” Owen asked hopefully.
“…yeah… delete.” Tosh answered with a smirk that did all but calm his worst fears.
“Did anyone ever tell you that you’re evil?”
“Not as far as I can recall Owen but insults definitely won’t keep me from burning it onto a DVD.” And with these words and a devilish grin Tosh sat behind her computer.
“Ooh, that’s just bad.” Owen muttered, palming his face.
“Tell me about it”, Gwen agreed, sipping on her cold coffee “There should be enough video material of me sticking my arse into the camera to make a whole army of fourteen year old boys happy.”
“Not with that vocab young lady.” Owen retorted, his eyes met with Gwen’s and both burst into laughter.
“Probably.”
*~*~*
Ianto sighed when the smell of freshly made bolognaise sauce entered his nostrils.
In this moment he felt a pair of arms around his waist and Jack’s lips against the shell of his ear “Mmmh, smells fantastic.”
“Wait until you’ve tasted it.”
“I can’t wait… there’s something I’d rather taste though...” Jack growled seductively.
“Shut it.” Ianto admonished him half-heartedly without turning his gaze from the simmering tomato sauce “You just did the laundry…thanks for that again.”
“You’re welcome” Jack murmured, pressing a kiss onto his throat. “I’m to blame for most of your dirty clothes anyway.”
“Don’t flatter yourself too much.” Ianto chuckled, half leaning against Jack. “You’re one reason for messy suits but definitely not the main reason.”
“A reason I should worry about?” The grin on his face grew wider when he felt Jack’s arms tightening only a little. “Only if you’re worried about exploding aliens, dinosaur shit, Weevil-waste or green goo in general.” Ianto replied with a kiss on Jack’s cheek.
“Sounds as if you would require my services more often.” Jack beamed.
“Yes please” the young man replied brightly and offered Jack the spoon to taste.
He kissed a fleck of tomato sauce off Jack’s nose-tip “You’re so cute when you’re ironing.”
“Cuter than when I’m at cooking or why did you practically snatch the cooking spoon out of my hands?”
“No, that was just a matter of self preservation.” Ianto chuckled “I’m lucky that I survived the other time you tried to cook stew for me.”
“Hey” Jack pouted “it’s not my fault that your ground chilli looks like cinnamon.”
“What does chilli have to do with stew anyway?”
“Come on, I just wanted to open your mind a little.”
“Oh” Ianto laughed “believe me, my mind was open, I would have never believed it but now I know that you actually can get high on Irish Stew.”
“Iredean Stew actually, but I had to improvise a little on the ingredients.”
Ianto put the water on the plate and turned his head to give Jack one of his killer eyebrows “Is it normal to see stars after eating Iredean Stew?”
“No…” Jack murmured pulling the young man closer “But it’s normal after a night with me.”
“Stop boasting.” Ianto chuckled, hooking his arms around Jack’s neck “You’ve got me already don’t you?”
“Yep…” Jack gave Ianto a fond kiss “You and pasta.”
“Not if you don’t release me.”
Jack cocked an eyebrow “Huh?”
Ianto just laughed and snapped his index finger teasingly against Jack’s forehead “I can’t cook the pasta with your arms all around me.”
“Oh that’s bad; ironing made me hungry” Jack replied even fastening his grip around Ianto’s waist. “Seems I’ve got to look for something else to eat.”
“No Jack!” Ianto slapped Jack’s hand away and chuckled at his lover’s first class pout “Remember the last time you said that? I won’t have my pasta sauce burned this time.”
“Hmpf, fine.” Jack mumbled and sat on a chair at the kitchen table and after a look at his lover’s arse in his jog bottoms he decided that he could wait for a little while longer. With this first class view, eating could definitely wait. Then Ianto bent forward to pull something out of the kitchen drawers and Jack wasn’t so sure anymore.
Over at the kitchen area Ianto just silently chuckled to himself and reduced the heat, just to be safe.
At times Jack was just too easy to read.
*~*~*
Owen was annoyed, but who could blame him? This has already been going on for hours. This had to stop now. “…Gwen?”
Rrriiiing. Rrrriiiiing. Rrrrriiiing.
“Huh?”
“Could you please answer your phone.”
First Gwen looked at Owen as if he was mad, then she grabbed into her pocket and pulled her phone out. ”Oh.”
“Ooh?” Owen stared at her unbelievingly “You’re phone’s been ringing since we’ve been here, who knows for how much longer and you didn’t notice? What’s with this retro-ringtone anyway?”
“Hey, with this headache you wouldn’t have noticed either.” Gwen replied defiantly and picked up the phone. “Cooper?”
“Gwen??? What the hell ‘Cooper’??? I’ve been ringing you for ages!!!”
“…Rhys?” Gwen blinked “Why are you calling?”
“Wh…? Gwen, where are you?”
“Errm…at work, where else?”
“You realize that your car is still outside of our flat, right? You bloody disappeared this morning!!!”
“I…wha…?”
“In one moment I asked you about our plans for tonight and then you freakin’ disappeared!!! Where were you? What happene…”
“Rhys, Rhys, Rhys, Rhys. I’m okay, don’t worry. I can’t say what happened. But I’m fine, okay?”
It took Gwen twenty more minutes to calm her agitated - and adorably worried - boyfriend and only after five more assurances that she was okay he let her off.
“Okay…” Gwen glanced over to her two sniggering colleagues. “Something’s definitely wrong!”
Tosh and Owen bust into laughter.
Gwen glanced from on to the other, not sure why they were laughing, they weren’t laughing at her, were they?
“What now?
Tosh desperately tried to hold it but failed miserably “Take a look at yourself.”
Gwen dreaded to follow her instruction and when she did she almost regretted doing so. “Oh that’s just mean.”
Owen didn’t even attempt to hold back his laughter.
*~*~*
‘Prissy’ would have never been a word Andy Davidson applied to himself.
There was a lot he could endure...
Because during his time in Cardiff and the police Andy Davidson had seen a lot.
But there was a limit and now he'd definitely reached it.
Andy picked up his phone and called the first person that came into his mind.
“Gwen?...I think there’s one of your spooky-doos going on here…How I know? Well…”
Andy looked down on himself “I’m wearing heels…yeah…I actually do wear a fitting outfit”
He scratched an itchy spot of bare skin over his heels “…And it’s way too short.”
He tried to pull his shirt over his stomach. “Oh it’s yours? …Nice... And you’ve got my uniform? ...Yep, that’s really my shoe-size... Ever thought about change? ...Yeah?” Andy scratched his hair and looked at his watch. “Could you meet me in ten minutes at my flat? My feet are killing me…and not that I’m complaining but people are beginning to stare.”
Twenty minutes later Andy Davidson was properly attired again and pretty happy about that, opposite him stood Gwen Cooper, equally happy. “You know the funny thing is, I got three requests for a date in your outfit and not everyone was male. I guess I should wear your stuff more often.”
*~*~*
Meanwhile Jack was sniffing free air…kind of…
He was bringing the rubbish to the refuse skip downstairs and…oh well, Jack crinkled his nose, whoever claimed that nothing smells sweeter than freedom apparently never had to carry a waste bag.
But hey, Jack happily did this chore if he really got the promised shower afterwards. What was a bit of stinking waste in the face of a glorious afternoon shower?
Jack whistled absently while he mapped out all the details of his reward on his way back.
“Having a good day my young lad?”
“Absolutely Mrs. Morris” Jack smiled broadly at the elderly woman “It’s a beautiful day.”
“How is young Mr. Jones doing?”
Florence Morris was one of these old cat ladies who resided in Ianto’s apartment complex.
She might have been a little bit nosy but all in all she was a nice and harmless woman
…And in a strange way she even was the first one to approve of Jack’s constant visits at Ianto’s.
“He is very well Mrs. Morris.” Jack replied pleasantly.
“Oh I’m glad to hear that, why don’t you visit once in a while for a coffee? I made fresh biscuits yesterday.”
“That would be wonderful Mrs Morris but there is work, you know.”
Jack put his hands into his pockets…
Only that his hands met bare skin.
Jack looked down on himself. “…Oh.”
He looked back at Mrs Morris again and was just in time to prevent the fainting woman from falling.
He couldn’t help a chuckle when he carried the elderly woman pick-a-pack to Ianto’s flat. What an image they must have offered to others. Thankfully there were no witnesses, Jack was not sure whether Ianto’s emergency supply on retcon would've been big enough.
Ianto’s eyes were wide when he opened his door. ”I hope you’ve got a proper explanation…”Ianto pointed at the pile of clothes at his feet. ”Why you left without your clothes…” Then he pointed at the old lady “And why you’re carrying Mrs. Morris on your back. You know that I’m pretty open-minded Jack” Ianto added chuckling “but even I do have my limits.”
“Actually…I didn’t.” Jack laughed and carefully let the woman down. ”I was properly dressed until I met her in the hallway. My clothes disappeared and she fainted, that’s the whole story and now I think I should ring the others we seem to have a Lokip-infection. Oh…and…” An evil smirk crept over his face “Remind me to have a closer look at the CCTV material tomorrow.”
“Sure… why?”
“Oh” Jack chuckled “You’ll see.”
*~*~*
“What’s it captain?”
Owen was a little bit stressed when she answered Jack’s call. He and the others had been driving around all day with nothing else than retcon in their pockets to wipe dozens of confused and partly traumatized people. Let’s just say there are things people are not supposed to see. Owen shuddered. Never ever. They had been so busy that he didn’t get to change his clothes yet. He was still running around like a stripper version of Arthur Dent but hey, he had retcon. Outfit didn’t really matter anyway, not if his clothes could disappear any second again
“Owen, might there be a chance that today various clothes and sometimes even people relocate?”
“Pff” Owen huffed “Yeah, you know what that’s all about?”
“Yep, it’s a bunch of mischievous aliens. They are harmless, really, and are well known for their pranks.”
“Yeah? And what if they pull such a prank in the wrong situation?”
“Doesn’t happen, they make sure that nobody gets harmed.”
“Cruel but benevolent you mean?”
“Kind of…” Jack’s chuckle crackled through the line “They often disappear as fast as they appeared but they’re troublesome.”
Owen pulled a face. “Tell me about it.”
“They’re usually invisible but there’s a trick to make them visible. All you’ve got to do is to hold each other’s hands, dance in a circle, take three turns and sing a crude song.”
Owen’s face darkened “You’re kidding me, right?”
“Absolutely not, they’ll appear in the middle of the circle to join you. That’s the moment to pull a bag over them, that’s how they’re caught.”
“And what are we supposed to do with these bags?”
“Let Tosh do a scan, you should easily find the crack where they slipped through. Take the bags and throw them back to where they came from. That’s the usual way to dispose of them.”
“That’s the way to dispose of them? Is that everything? No charms, spells or horseshoes to keep ‘em away?”
“Nope”, Jack chuckled “That should be everything. Need help?”
“Nah” Owen declined “Ianto would put me on de-caf. Go and watch a boring movie for us. Something tells me we won’t get to see one today.” He hung up and turned towards Gwen and Tosh “Okay ladies, I know what to do… and it involves lots of dancing.”
“What do you mean, da…” but Tosh didn’t get any further as she was suddenly wearing nothing but her underwear “Owen! Dressing gown!”
Owen handed her the dressing gown, muttering. “Hey, why am I the only one of us who had to walk around naked?”
Tosh ignored his mumble but suddenly looked very determined. “You said something about dancing?”
“Yeah, and singing.” Owen grinned. “Know any crude songs?”
Tosh grinned evilly “You bet.”
*~*~*
Jack was dressed again when Mrs. Morris woke up. They told her the story that she suddenly fainted in the hallway while she was talking to him and that he brought her home to Ianto’s flat. She bought it…apparently and repeated her earlier invitation. Still Jack couldn’t help noticing that blush in her cheeks when she looked at him.
Someone was in for pleasant dreams; Jack thought - not without a hint of smugness - and turned back to his equally grinning lover. “You still think not retconning her was a good idea?”
“Sure.” Jack replied “That’s the beauty with you people, she won’t believe it anyway. I’m too good to be true.”
Ianto slapped him. “You know, your head’s going to explode if you don’t stop now.”
He laughed when Jack spun him around and trapped him between the walls and his arms.
“And still you can’t get enough at me.”
Ianto smirked. “Absolutely not.” And met Jack’s lips with a kiss.
“Good.” Jack growled, adding “I do believe you promised me a shower, didn’t you?”
“I do believe I did.”
*~*~*
Tosh, Owen and Gwen stood in front of the crack, each one of them a big bag filled with lokips over their shoulders.
“That’s it then?” Gwen asked, still hung-over with her hair madly sticking into every direction.
“Yep.” Owen nodded. “According to Jack it should be over once we throw them back from where they came from.”
“What are we waiting for then?” Tosh asked and exchanged glances with the other two “I’ll count to three: One.”
Gwen joined “Two.”
“And three!” Owen finished, sending his bag almost simultaneously along with the other bags into the crack which instantly closed.
“Okay” Gwen said “I need a drink, anyone join me?”
“Sure” Tosh agreed, looking down on her dressing gown “At my place?”
“Only if your booze supply is big enough.” Owen replied.
“I think it should suffice.” Tosh chuckled.
“You know what?” Owen laughed, the amusement clearly visible in his eyes.
“No, what?” Both women answered almost in unison.
“42.”
“Oh.” Gwen blurted before she joined Owen and Tosh giggling.
“One in 365 days we get hit by a random prankster alien, that one day Jack and Ianto have off, I am dressed like Arthur Dent and the number of Lokips has to be 42?” Owen shook his head. “Madness.”
“This practically screams for 42 Tequila shots!” Gwen bawled
“Sure you’re not already having enough residue-Tequila in your blood-stream?” Tosh chuckled.
“Absolutely not.”
“Off we go then.” Owen threw in “Next stop, Tesco’s! Anyone got money?”
And off they went into the night, wondering whether Gwen had enough money in her pockets to pay for the limes but bearing this warm, fuzzy knowledge to have saved the world in their hearts.
…And if not the world, then at least the city.
~*~
In the meantime Rhys Williams looked at his watch, then at the fully prepared dinner on the table and decided to go and buy sausages. He looked at his watch again. Loads of sausages.
~*~
Somewhere in another corner of Cardiff Jack and Ianto sat at their dinner table feeding themselves with freshly cut fruit and cheese. Just while Jack fed Ianto a ripe strawberry a sudden realization hit him.
“What?” Ianto grinned, eating the fruit and licking the juice off Jack’s fingers.
“I was just thinking.”
“Ooh” Ianto picked a grape and propped it into Jack’s mouth. ”You know that thinking isn’t exactly one of your strengths.”
“Hey” Jack protested “I’m being serious here.”
“Oh really?” Ianto raised an eyebrow and slid a slice of mango into his mouth in such an alluring way that it was almost too obscene to watch. Jack didn't bother.
“Like to go out tonight?”
“Nope.” Ianto grinned and wiped a drop of mango juice from the corner of his mouth only lick it from his thumb with a seductive smirk “I’m pretty comfortable here with you.”
Jack sighed dramatically and caught Ianto’s hand “Same here. And you know what?”
He leaned over to catch Ianto’s mouth in a fruity kiss. “Now we’re officially domestic.”
Ianto’s expression froze for a second, long enough to fill Jack’s stomach with lots of little snakes called worry “You’ve got a problem with that?”
“No.” Ianto’s face suddenly broke into a smile which chased even the last snake away and could have lightened a dark room. He caught Jack’s face with a reassuring kiss and grinned at his dopily smiling lover “Absolutely not. I like being domestic with you”
“Good, cause I wouldn’t want to have it any other way...”
Ianto pulled a face “Why are you brooding now?”
“I’m trying to figure out a way to get a few more days off.”
“Later Jack!” Ianto laughed, now straddling Jack’s lap.
“We’ve still got dinner to finish and I do believe we’ve still got ‘Casablanca’ waiting for us”
“Did I ever tell you that I’m actually in that movie? I’ve got a bum role.”
“Oh shut it.” The young man chuckled, tracing Jack’s tendons with a strawberry.
“It's got a bigger role to fit here. Your bum is mine.”
“Absolutely.” Jack laughed and pulled Ianto in for a deep kiss “But I think you’ve got to claim it first.”
“Mmhh…” Ianto purred “I think I like this idea better than ‘Casablanca’.”
“We could watch it anytime.” Jack added, trying to keep his thoughts straight with Ianto’s lips all over his throat.
“I prefer you bum live anyway.” Ianto murmured huskily, opening Jack’s shirt button by button.
“I agree.” Jack chuckled while his lover slowly began to strip him. “Nothing beats the original.”
And so Ianto and Jack ended their night…kind of… their night actually ended very much later.
They never got to see ‘Casablanca’ but Ianto didn’t complain.
Jack’s real arse definitely did provide more satisfaction than its movie version.
1 am. The moon was shining, another happy couple sighed contently…
And so another (almost) harmless day ended for the Torchwood team.
*squishes* I hope you liked it Di! ;D
Phew, I think this is the longest oneshot I wrote in a very long time.
Feedback would be love as always and don't forget to send missthingsplace lots of hugs on wednesday! ;D