V8 Wars
THE V8 WARS
ACT ONE
Curtains open. It is the early '90s. We've just gotten rid of the Fox-body mustang and the 3rd-generation f-body. We're leaving a dark, dark era in American muscle history.
GM: Hey hey everybody hey everybody everybody hey...everybody. hey. Lookit! New Camaro! And LOOK! New motor!
LT1: Lookit me, I'm AWESOME!
Everyone: Aren't you just a reworked, multiport injected 350?
LT1: Yeah, but watch this:
Enter the brand new shiny SN-95 Mustang
Ford: LOOK! New Mustang! Disc brakes! Better suspension! An AWESOME Ford 302 motor! (you didn't need forged pistons anymore, right?)
Nissan: Disc brakes? Really? We did that like ten years ago.
Ford: STFU & GTFO.
The SN95 Mustang and new Camaro race. The high 14-second Mustang is left in the dust.
Ford:
Curtains close.
ACT TWO.
A few years pass. It is 1996. Ford spends a decent amount of money, and comes up with the 4.6 modular - but keeps a 5.0L in the shiny new (more expensive) Cobra
Ford: We've GOT YOU NOW, GM! A 300hp Mustang! We call it... the COBRA.
Cobra: Enter, stage right. Rawr.
GM: That's okay. Our base model V8 is still making 10% more torque than that.
Cobra: is left in dust.
Ford: shakes impotent angry fists of anger
GM: But y'know, that comes close to being threatening. So look what we made!
The clouds part, the sun shines, and amorous naked women throw themselves at the brand new LS1.
LS1: Hi, I'm fucking awesome on toast.
The LS1 F-body leaves Ford in the dust. Again.
Ford: FUUUUUUUUUUUUU
ACT THREE.
A number of years pass. The LS motors prove themselves to be a gift directly from God. You still can't open the doors without an acre of clearance on each side, but hey, who wants to get OUT of an F-body?
Some years pass.
Ford: ALRIGHT BITCHES. FUCK YOU ALL, SUPERCHARGED COBRA. WE CALL IT "THE TERMINATOR". BECAUSE IT WILL END YOU.
03-04 Cobra: GRAHHH I HAVE (almost) 400 HORSEPOWER (and, conveniently, I can enlarge your penis by up to three inches!)! I WILL END YOU!!!
GM: Guys? We quit making the Camaro. You can st--oh, fine, let's race.
03-04 Cobra: I VILL FAAHK YOU UUUP!
The Cobra runs a low 13. So does the LS1 F-body.
Ford: SEE? SEE? We did it! We matched the LS1!
GM: Alright, alright, good job, fine. See you in 2010.
Everyone: B..but... it took a specially built supercharged motor to run /alongside/ GM's base-model V8...
Ford: That's not what's important, okay?
Everyone: A-and... we have to pay $12,000 more than an LS1 F-body to do it?
Ford SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP
Z06 'Vette: Wanna race?
Ford & 03-04 Cobra: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
Curtains close. Fini. Applause light comes on.