(no subject)
Being an industry insider has its advantages. Here, I can now exclusively reveal some exciting details from the BBC's upcoming winter season of programming:
Hallowe'en Special: Victoria Beckham, Coleen McLoughlin and Cheryl Cole dress up in pointy hats and black cloaks to go trick-or-treating in Chelsea. Jonathan Ross presents this one-off special, WAGs to Witches.
Running throughout November and December on BBC3, look out for the latest nostalgia show: I Love Early 2007. Featuring hilarious reminiscences from a host of A-list celebrities including Paul Ross, Noddy Holder, and that comedian whose name you always forget who noone has ever heard of. Inevitably presented by Jimmy Carr.
The BBC are axeing the six o'clock news bulletin and replacing it with Jesus, It's The Fucking News, to run every hour, on the hour, for the rest of your life. An extreme close-up of Michael Buerk's haggard face as he tells us about the latest fatalities in Iraq and details of superbugs and terrorist threats, intercut with shots of Christopher Walken reading from the prophecies of Nostradamus and the Book of Revelation, while a chamber orchestra in the studio plays the theme from the Omen.
Following extensive audience research, the daytime team have put together a sure-fire ratings winner, Strictly Come DIY My Antique Property Gardening On Ice. Presented by Noel Edmonds.
Following the BBC's recent scandal over "Crowngate", which led to the resignation of the Controller of BBC1, programme-makers have decided that things have got so bad, they might as well just go the whole hog. Hence the new documentary series, The Queen: What A Cow, which features carefully-edited footage of Her Majesty laughing at poor people, telling Gordon Brown to "shit off", and beating a corgi to death with her crown.
Are you unhappy with your miserable, pathetic existence? Do you come home from your soul-destroying office job and pray that somewhere out there are people worse off than you? Well, why not watch the new reality TV show, Big Mental Brother! We've put two hundred real people with actual, severe emotional problems and locked them in an asylum and filmed it all for your viewing pleasure. Why not vote on who gets electric shock treatment? Do you feel better about yourself now?
And finally the televisual event of the year will be Religion: Might Is Right, where we put Ayatollah Ardebili, the Archbishop of Canterbury, Pope Benedict XVI, and Richard Dawkins in the ring together and spur them on to fight. Whoever wins is right and everyone else is wrong, and that will be that and we can all agree to say no more about it.
Hallowe'en Special: Victoria Beckham, Coleen McLoughlin and Cheryl Cole dress up in pointy hats and black cloaks to go trick-or-treating in Chelsea. Jonathan Ross presents this one-off special, WAGs to Witches.
Running throughout November and December on BBC3, look out for the latest nostalgia show: I Love Early 2007. Featuring hilarious reminiscences from a host of A-list celebrities including Paul Ross, Noddy Holder, and that comedian whose name you always forget who noone has ever heard of. Inevitably presented by Jimmy Carr.
The BBC are axeing the six o'clock news bulletin and replacing it with Jesus, It's The Fucking News, to run every hour, on the hour, for the rest of your life. An extreme close-up of Michael Buerk's haggard face as he tells us about the latest fatalities in Iraq and details of superbugs and terrorist threats, intercut with shots of Christopher Walken reading from the prophecies of Nostradamus and the Book of Revelation, while a chamber orchestra in the studio plays the theme from the Omen.
Following extensive audience research, the daytime team have put together a sure-fire ratings winner, Strictly Come DIY My Antique Property Gardening On Ice. Presented by Noel Edmonds.
Following the BBC's recent scandal over "Crowngate", which led to the resignation of the Controller of BBC1, programme-makers have decided that things have got so bad, they might as well just go the whole hog. Hence the new documentary series, The Queen: What A Cow, which features carefully-edited footage of Her Majesty laughing at poor people, telling Gordon Brown to "shit off", and beating a corgi to death with her crown.
Are you unhappy with your miserable, pathetic existence? Do you come home from your soul-destroying office job and pray that somewhere out there are people worse off than you? Well, why not watch the new reality TV show, Big Mental Brother! We've put two hundred real people with actual, severe emotional problems and locked them in an asylum and filmed it all for your viewing pleasure. Why not vote on who gets electric shock treatment? Do you feel better about yourself now?
And finally the televisual event of the year will be Religion: Might Is Right, where we put Ayatollah Ardebili, the Archbishop of Canterbury, Pope Benedict XVI, and Richard Dawkins in the ring together and spur them on to fight. Whoever wins is right and everyone else is wrong, and that will be that and we can all agree to say no more about it.