tired
I think I'm going to bitch about things. Yep, because I like to bitch about things every once in a while. I also want to explain why I'm so unmotivated so often. Why the hell should I work my ass off to get good grades? I mean, sure, so I can get into a good college, but that just means that I go through high school again but with a part time job and without being with my family. After I get through that, I have to get a job that I probably won't enjoy because I have no idea what I have a passion for. Nothing that I've done up to this point really excites me. I suppose I like to draw, I like to sing, I like the arts, but I don't think I'd want to pursue any of that. Then I think about other classes. I love to write, but I can't keep my concentration on one story long enough to write it out. I mean, I would need so much training to write a story more than 10 pages long. I remember, when I was a little kid, I wanted so bad to be an actor. I really enjoy being on the stage, but once again, that's not something I would want to pursue. I hate math and everything related to it. I actually thing there are two possibilities for things I would enjoy, one would be psychology, and the other would be writing.
Why am I bitching about that stuff? Well, I lost my motivation. Just this last week. I wondered about why I was working so hard. I don't actually know why. Happens at some point every year. Usually spring or late winter. I just don't want to keep going. I need a break. I need time to get myself rested again. I need a couple weeks where I don't have to worry about all the shit at school. It's like I've gotten through so much already but there's still so far to go. I mean, when I sit in school, often times I just worry about getting through whatever class I'm in. That's not healthy. That's not encouraging. I mean, I get through the class and then I realize I have another excruciating one. Then I realize that I have another day of it, another week, another month, the rest of the year. And the fluctuations between extremely stressful and calm is too much for me to take. I need some kind of constant, so I can count on the fact that I won't be burdened with ten times that which I can deal with sanely. There's a difference between challenging a student and pushing them beyond the breaking point. The level of depression in my school is at least 5% higher than most other high schools. It's not a healthy environment. I mean, I'm a really happy person in general, but this school manages to make me suicidal at least once a year. What the fuck is wrong with the people in charge?
Another thing that pisses me off about lakeside is that everyone is so god damned concerned with their appearance and sports. I mean, sports are a huge part of the lakeside community. I'm one of probably about thirty people who doesn't do a sport. I mean... Ultimate doesn't really count. So many people at our school look around and see all these girls with perfect bodies and who are athletic and pretty. I mean, there has to be some kind of screening process where they only accept pretty girls or something. I was talking to a friend during art and she was talking about how her sister had an obvious eating disorder. She was disgustingly thin and her friends pretty much ignored it. They took aside a friend and had a talk with her about tanning too much, and never approached her sister. That's disgusting. I mean, we just find different things acceptable at lakeside (also thinking about the ridiculous drug problems). I hate it and love it at the same time. I mean, I'm talking about the hateful aspects of it right now, but often times I really enjoy life there. Maybe I'm just over stressed or overtired.
Why am I bitching about that stuff? Well, I lost my motivation. Just this last week. I wondered about why I was working so hard. I don't actually know why. Happens at some point every year. Usually spring or late winter. I just don't want to keep going. I need a break. I need time to get myself rested again. I need a couple weeks where I don't have to worry about all the shit at school. It's like I've gotten through so much already but there's still so far to go. I mean, when I sit in school, often times I just worry about getting through whatever class I'm in. That's not healthy. That's not encouraging. I mean, I get through the class and then I realize I have another excruciating one. Then I realize that I have another day of it, another week, another month, the rest of the year. And the fluctuations between extremely stressful and calm is too much for me to take. I need some kind of constant, so I can count on the fact that I won't be burdened with ten times that which I can deal with sanely. There's a difference between challenging a student and pushing them beyond the breaking point. The level of depression in my school is at least 5% higher than most other high schools. It's not a healthy environment. I mean, I'm a really happy person in general, but this school manages to make me suicidal at least once a year. What the fuck is wrong with the people in charge?
Another thing that pisses me off about lakeside is that everyone is so god damned concerned with their appearance and sports. I mean, sports are a huge part of the lakeside community. I'm one of probably about thirty people who doesn't do a sport. I mean... Ultimate doesn't really count. So many people at our school look around and see all these girls with perfect bodies and who are athletic and pretty. I mean, there has to be some kind of screening process where they only accept pretty girls or something. I was talking to a friend during art and she was talking about how her sister had an obvious eating disorder. She was disgustingly thin and her friends pretty much ignored it. They took aside a friend and had a talk with her about tanning too much, and never approached her sister. That's disgusting. I mean, we just find different things acceptable at lakeside (also thinking about the ridiculous drug problems). I hate it and love it at the same time. I mean, I'm talking about the hateful aspects of it right now, but often times I really enjoy life there. Maybe I'm just over stressed or overtired.