FF: Cross Roads 11
Title: Cross Roads
Chapter: 11
Summary: Life is never easy and is forever tossing curve balls. Gibbs has been caught in the explosion, but what is happening with everyone else. This is a SlashMPreg story, nothing to graphic but rating may change as the story continues.
TV Show: NCIS
Characters: DiNozzo/Gibbs, Ducky, Ziva, McGee, Abby, Jen
Disclaimer: I don't own them, only wish that I did.
A/N: This is a work in progress, not sure how far it will go, but hopefully it's worth the ride!
Chapter Eleven.
He sat there watching, thinking, remembering.
Memories that he’d struggled to recapture while in Mexico threatened to overwhelm him as he sat in the cold uncomfortable chair next to Tony’s bed. Small things flashed through him mind sometimes over powering bigger memories that he’d struggled with. Pieces of dreams he’d had that had left him gasping and clawing to recapture when he’d woken flooded through his mind with ease.
And through it all there was Tony.
When he’d thought that the memories were about become too much for him a memory of Tony would come back. Tony smiling or laughing, telling a story and suddenly things didn’t seem so bad anymore.
Occasionally he’d be brought back to the present as Tony stirred but a few whispered words into his ear and a gentle touch and Tony would settle back down again and sleep peacefully for a while longer.
In the six weeks he’d been in Mexico he’d struggled, not just with his memories but with an antsy feeling that he couldn’t get rid of. He’d found his memories coming back with no order or logic, just randomly.
Tony stirred again and groaned.
“nooo…” Tony almost cried somewhere between sleep and awake, “no, please no…”
“Shh Tony, it’s all right, your safe.” Gibbs stood up so that he could sooth Tony back to a peaceful sleep, but he realised that it wasn’t going to happen as Tony became more and more agitated the dream taking control and refusing to release him. “It’s ok Tony everything is going to be all right.”
Tony was back in the office, waiting for Gibbs to come back and tell them what was going on. He was worried about his lover, he should have still been in the hospital resting, recuperating. But he’d discharged himself AMA and it had taken him only a second to realise that no matter what Gibbs had told them he wasn’t all right, he didn’t have all his memories and he didn’t remember them. One look into Gibbs’ pale blue eyes had been enough to tell him that Gibbs, his Gibbs, was still gone and he'd known that he'd been right to take the steps that he had. But he had stayed with the rest of his team and waited as Gibbs had gone up to MTAC and the final moments of their latest case played out. His world had been rocked again and he wasn’t sure how much more of it he could handle. He wanted to go home and curl up in his bed with Gibbs and pretend that this had all been a nightmare, but it was real. It had happened. It was happening again. He knew that he was dreaming, knew that this had already happened, but he couldn’t seem to wake up. This was part of the reason that he hadn’t been sleeping much lately. Every time he closed his eyes he saw Gibbs leaving him again, and each time he saw it his heart broke again as if it was the first time.
Tony had known before Gibbs had finished walking down the stairs that he was leaving. Just like he knew what was going to happen next, each and every second had been burned into his memory. The last time that he’d seen Gibbs. The way that Gibbs had simply walked away from them.
From him.
The way that his heart had broken as he watched his world fall apart before his eyes.
But this time something seemed to be different, something wasn't right, wasn't as he remembered it.
He could hear Gibbs voice, so clear and warm and caring. But the words that Gibbs spoke were different. He could smell Gibbs clearly, the scent that he'd tried so hard to recapture once his lover had left. His voice was soft as if trying to sooth him, ease his pain. And he could feel his hands. Large and calloused and full of warmth and comfort that was only for those he loved.
But it wasn’t right.
Gibbs was gone.
Gibbs had left.
He was alone again.
He hadn't been able to recall his lover this well for a couple of weeks, he'd spent the night crying when he'd realised that he was having trouble recalling the way Gibbs' hand felt gently touching him, caressing him, that his smell was fading from his clothes. It had been like he was loosing Gibbs all over again.
He tried to focus.
Tried to wake.
But it was hard, too hard. But he fought and concentrated. His head hurt and his stomach churned but that seemed to be normal lately. Then he remembered.
He’d seen Gibbs.
Gibbs had come back!
But he wasn’t going to stay.
“No,” Tony choked out.
His heart didn’t break this time.
It shattered.
Gibbs had come back to them, but he wasn’t staying. He should have known that it had been too good to be true. He was not meant to be happy, was only allowed to glimpse it before it was snatched away from him again. He was not meant to have someone to love, someone to love him. Everyone he cared about left him.
But something still wasn’t right.
Slowly his foggy brain started putting it together. The sounds, the smell, the feel.
“Shh Tony, its okay.” Gibbs stood next to Tony’s bed gently caressing Tony’s hand with one of his, the other gently carding through Tony’s hair.
“Ro?”
“Yea Tony I’m here.” Gibbs said softly. His heart broke at how lost and alone Tony sounded. He continued to sooth his lover, hoping that Tony would go back to sleep without really waking up. “You need to sleep.”
Tony shook his head.
"It's going to be all right, just sleep Tony." Gibbs tried again. He could see that Tony was close to waking now, and as much as he wanted to see his lover again and really talk to him he didn't think that this was the right time or place for any of the conversations that they needed to have. He'd just wanted to be close to Tony for a while, to drink in the presence of the man lying in the hospital bed, to sort out the memories that had come flooding back to him.
"No."
Gibbs' heart broke as he heard the pain in the one word. To Gibbs it sounded like Tony's world had ended and Gibbs knew that he was the reason for all of that pain.
"You're not real." Tony said as he opened his eyes. He wanted Gibbs to be there, sitting, waiting patiently for him. But he wasn't sure he could trust himself. His senses told him that it was really Gibbs sitting there, but he also knew that he was in a hospital and he knew that the drugs they had him on could be screwing with him. It was easier to deny that it was really Gibbs sitting there than deal with the heartbreak that would follow when he woke up and found himself alone again. It was hard enough on any normal morning, but waking up after thinking that Gibbs was back would just about kill him.
"Oh Tony." Gibbs leaned over and gently caressed Tony's cheek. He had to work hard at not crying. His leaving had done so much damage, maybe more than he could hope to repair. "I'm real and I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere."
"Liar." Tony said softly. It was getting harder to keep his thoughts together, to stay awake.
"What?" Gibbs was confused. "Tony I wouldn't lie to you, I've never lied to you."
"You did, everyone does." Tony slowly closed his eyes.
"Tony?" Gibbs cursed. He had gone from hoping that Tony wouldn't wake up to wishing that he'd stay awake for a few minutes more. He needed to figure out what Tony was talking about. "What did I lie about?"
Tony fought against the drugs. Even if Gibbs wasn't really there he wanted it to last as long as it could.
"Tony." He caressed Tony's face again, this time trying to draw the younger mans attention back to him. "What did I lie about?"
Tony sighed.
Gibbs waited for a few moments, watching as Tony seemed to fall back asleep. He was about to sit down again when Tony softly answered him.
"Said you'd never leave." Tony whispered. "You lied, everyone leaves me."
Gibbs stood stunned as he watched a single tear slip from Tony's eye.
And he remembered.
They'd been talking late one night while Tony had been recovering from the plague. Gibbs had wanted to know why Tony never let anyone help him, never let anyone take care of him. It had taken him a while to get a truthful answer out of the younger man and he'd found himself unable to deny his feelings for Tony any longer. He'd promised Tony then and there that he wasn't going to go anywhere as long as he could help it.
Tony had been right.
Gibbs had lied to him, and that realisation tore his heart out.
Gibbs rarely let himself cry. He rarely cried, he could count the number of times he'd cried on his hands and still have fingers left. He'd cried when his mother had died, and when he'd lost Shannon and Kelly. Both times. And now he found himself crying over the hurt and pain that he had caused Tony.
"I'm sorry Tony." Gibbs said as he ran his hand through Tony's hair, trying to sooth him, take the pain from him, convince him that he wasn't alone. Trying to show so much with one simple act. He knew it wasn't enough, it would never be enough. The damage had been done and there was nothing that he could do to undo it.
"S'okay, should have known better." Tony whispered as he curled into small ball trying to protect himself but also trying to get closer to Gibbs.
Gibbs stood next to Tony's bed and cried. He'd thought he'd never love anyone again as much as he'd loved Shannon and Kelly.
He'd been wrong.
He'd thought he'd never find happiness again.
But he'd been wrong.
He'd vowed that he'd never hurt Tony, that he'd show him that he was worth fighting for, that he was worthy of being loved, that he wasn't going to leave Tony like everyone else that he'd ever cared about did.
He'd broken that vow.
He'd fucked up.
In a major way, and now he wasn't sure what he could do to make it better. He wasn't sure that there was anything that he could do that would make it better.
But one thing he did know was that he wasn't going to give up.
He wasn't going to leave Tony again.
He just hoped that time and persistence would work.
Chapter: 11
Summary: Life is never easy and is forever tossing curve balls. Gibbs has been caught in the explosion, but what is happening with everyone else. This is a SlashMPreg story, nothing to graphic but rating may change as the story continues.
TV Show: NCIS
Characters: DiNozzo/Gibbs, Ducky, Ziva, McGee, Abby, Jen
Disclaimer: I don't own them, only wish that I did.
A/N: This is a work in progress, not sure how far it will go, but hopefully it's worth the ride!
Chapter Eleven.
He sat there watching, thinking, remembering.
Memories that he’d struggled to recapture while in Mexico threatened to overwhelm him as he sat in the cold uncomfortable chair next to Tony’s bed. Small things flashed through him mind sometimes over powering bigger memories that he’d struggled with. Pieces of dreams he’d had that had left him gasping and clawing to recapture when he’d woken flooded through his mind with ease.
And through it all there was Tony.
When he’d thought that the memories were about become too much for him a memory of Tony would come back. Tony smiling or laughing, telling a story and suddenly things didn’t seem so bad anymore.
Occasionally he’d be brought back to the present as Tony stirred but a few whispered words into his ear and a gentle touch and Tony would settle back down again and sleep peacefully for a while longer.
In the six weeks he’d been in Mexico he’d struggled, not just with his memories but with an antsy feeling that he couldn’t get rid of. He’d found his memories coming back with no order or logic, just randomly.
Tony stirred again and groaned.
“nooo…” Tony almost cried somewhere between sleep and awake, “no, please no…”
“Shh Tony, it’s all right, your safe.” Gibbs stood up so that he could sooth Tony back to a peaceful sleep, but he realised that it wasn’t going to happen as Tony became more and more agitated the dream taking control and refusing to release him. “It’s ok Tony everything is going to be all right.”
Tony was back in the office, waiting for Gibbs to come back and tell them what was going on. He was worried about his lover, he should have still been in the hospital resting, recuperating. But he’d discharged himself AMA and it had taken him only a second to realise that no matter what Gibbs had told them he wasn’t all right, he didn’t have all his memories and he didn’t remember them. One look into Gibbs’ pale blue eyes had been enough to tell him that Gibbs, his Gibbs, was still gone and he'd known that he'd been right to take the steps that he had. But he had stayed with the rest of his team and waited as Gibbs had gone up to MTAC and the final moments of their latest case played out. His world had been rocked again and he wasn’t sure how much more of it he could handle. He wanted to go home and curl up in his bed with Gibbs and pretend that this had all been a nightmare, but it was real. It had happened. It was happening again. He knew that he was dreaming, knew that this had already happened, but he couldn’t seem to wake up. This was part of the reason that he hadn’t been sleeping much lately. Every time he closed his eyes he saw Gibbs leaving him again, and each time he saw it his heart broke again as if it was the first time.
Tony had known before Gibbs had finished walking down the stairs that he was leaving. Just like he knew what was going to happen next, each and every second had been burned into his memory. The last time that he’d seen Gibbs. The way that Gibbs had simply walked away from them.
From him.
The way that his heart had broken as he watched his world fall apart before his eyes.
But this time something seemed to be different, something wasn't right, wasn't as he remembered it.
He could hear Gibbs voice, so clear and warm and caring. But the words that Gibbs spoke were different. He could smell Gibbs clearly, the scent that he'd tried so hard to recapture once his lover had left. His voice was soft as if trying to sooth him, ease his pain. And he could feel his hands. Large and calloused and full of warmth and comfort that was only for those he loved.
But it wasn’t right.
Gibbs was gone.
Gibbs had left.
He was alone again.
He hadn't been able to recall his lover this well for a couple of weeks, he'd spent the night crying when he'd realised that he was having trouble recalling the way Gibbs' hand felt gently touching him, caressing him, that his smell was fading from his clothes. It had been like he was loosing Gibbs all over again.
He tried to focus.
Tried to wake.
But it was hard, too hard. But he fought and concentrated. His head hurt and his stomach churned but that seemed to be normal lately. Then he remembered.
He’d seen Gibbs.
Gibbs had come back!
But he wasn’t going to stay.
“No,” Tony choked out.
His heart didn’t break this time.
It shattered.
Gibbs had come back to them, but he wasn’t staying. He should have known that it had been too good to be true. He was not meant to be happy, was only allowed to glimpse it before it was snatched away from him again. He was not meant to have someone to love, someone to love him. Everyone he cared about left him.
But something still wasn’t right.
Slowly his foggy brain started putting it together. The sounds, the smell, the feel.
“Shh Tony, its okay.” Gibbs stood next to Tony’s bed gently caressing Tony’s hand with one of his, the other gently carding through Tony’s hair.
“Ro?”
“Yea Tony I’m here.” Gibbs said softly. His heart broke at how lost and alone Tony sounded. He continued to sooth his lover, hoping that Tony would go back to sleep without really waking up. “You need to sleep.”
Tony shook his head.
"It's going to be all right, just sleep Tony." Gibbs tried again. He could see that Tony was close to waking now, and as much as he wanted to see his lover again and really talk to him he didn't think that this was the right time or place for any of the conversations that they needed to have. He'd just wanted to be close to Tony for a while, to drink in the presence of the man lying in the hospital bed, to sort out the memories that had come flooding back to him.
"No."
Gibbs' heart broke as he heard the pain in the one word. To Gibbs it sounded like Tony's world had ended and Gibbs knew that he was the reason for all of that pain.
"You're not real." Tony said as he opened his eyes. He wanted Gibbs to be there, sitting, waiting patiently for him. But he wasn't sure he could trust himself. His senses told him that it was really Gibbs sitting there, but he also knew that he was in a hospital and he knew that the drugs they had him on could be screwing with him. It was easier to deny that it was really Gibbs sitting there than deal with the heartbreak that would follow when he woke up and found himself alone again. It was hard enough on any normal morning, but waking up after thinking that Gibbs was back would just about kill him.
"Oh Tony." Gibbs leaned over and gently caressed Tony's cheek. He had to work hard at not crying. His leaving had done so much damage, maybe more than he could hope to repair. "I'm real and I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere."
"Liar." Tony said softly. It was getting harder to keep his thoughts together, to stay awake.
"What?" Gibbs was confused. "Tony I wouldn't lie to you, I've never lied to you."
"You did, everyone does." Tony slowly closed his eyes.
"Tony?" Gibbs cursed. He had gone from hoping that Tony wouldn't wake up to wishing that he'd stay awake for a few minutes more. He needed to figure out what Tony was talking about. "What did I lie about?"
Tony fought against the drugs. Even if Gibbs wasn't really there he wanted it to last as long as it could.
"Tony." He caressed Tony's face again, this time trying to draw the younger mans attention back to him. "What did I lie about?"
Tony sighed.
Gibbs waited for a few moments, watching as Tony seemed to fall back asleep. He was about to sit down again when Tony softly answered him.
"Said you'd never leave." Tony whispered. "You lied, everyone leaves me."
Gibbs stood stunned as he watched a single tear slip from Tony's eye.
And he remembered.
They'd been talking late one night while Tony had been recovering from the plague. Gibbs had wanted to know why Tony never let anyone help him, never let anyone take care of him. It had taken him a while to get a truthful answer out of the younger man and he'd found himself unable to deny his feelings for Tony any longer. He'd promised Tony then and there that he wasn't going to go anywhere as long as he could help it.
Tony had been right.
Gibbs had lied to him, and that realisation tore his heart out.
Gibbs rarely let himself cry. He rarely cried, he could count the number of times he'd cried on his hands and still have fingers left. He'd cried when his mother had died, and when he'd lost Shannon and Kelly. Both times. And now he found himself crying over the hurt and pain that he had caused Tony.
"I'm sorry Tony." Gibbs said as he ran his hand through Tony's hair, trying to sooth him, take the pain from him, convince him that he wasn't alone. Trying to show so much with one simple act. He knew it wasn't enough, it would never be enough. The damage had been done and there was nothing that he could do to undo it.
"S'okay, should have known better." Tony whispered as he curled into small ball trying to protect himself but also trying to get closer to Gibbs.
Gibbs stood next to Tony's bed and cried. He'd thought he'd never love anyone again as much as he'd loved Shannon and Kelly.
He'd been wrong.
He'd thought he'd never find happiness again.
But he'd been wrong.
He'd vowed that he'd never hurt Tony, that he'd show him that he was worth fighting for, that he was worthy of being loved, that he wasn't going to leave Tony like everyone else that he'd ever cared about did.
He'd broken that vow.
He'd fucked up.
In a major way, and now he wasn't sure what he could do to make it better. He wasn't sure that there was anything that he could do that would make it better.
But one thing he did know was that he wasn't going to give up.
He wasn't going to leave Tony again.
He just hoped that time and persistence would work.