updates from an insomniac
I have seriously been thinking of reviving the practice of blogging since I have enjoyed it so much in the past. The last entry I wrote here was on September of 2009! Well, I don't think that is the last blog I have written, since I used to alternate between Myspace and Facebook (yes...Myspace...). Sadly, one of the things that went to the wayside ever since I got with JP was blogging. I still keep a tangible journal under my bed (yes, so cliché), but I don't write in that as regularly as I would like to. Besides, I am not as tech-savvy as I would like to be so my blog tends to look like a "blah-g", so I strayed away from using one at all. I mean, look at the picture I still have up there: that was since college (which I dare not indulge on how long ago that was). Let's not even go to my blog name "wrytrz_instnkz"... obviously it was coined way back when tYpInG lIkE tHiS wAs CoOl. Anyway, as I am not even sure anyone would read my entries, and I don't mind dating myself, I'll go ahead and write.
So many things have changed since I last wrote on this site. For one thing, I recently celebrated two years of wedded bliss to my beloved, JP Fredeluces. I thank God as often as I remember for the tender-hearted, godly man He has given me. Sure, things aren't always as good as freshly baked apple pie smells, but more often than not, they are :). Even ala mode, which is the only way to eat pie, in my opinion.
Another thing that I have been adjusting to is being a homemaker primarily. I have never known life without either being in school, at work, or both. But by God's divine sovereignty, I am a homemaker, waiting for His will for what's next. I have to say: it takes a lot of getting used to, and God is certainly growing me in patience and humility. I have always measured excellence in grades and productivity at work (even likability). I must say, this has always been a comfort zone for me because, bragging aside, I have, for the most part, excelled at education and career, even in jobs I didn't like. However, in this chapter in my life, I am actually struggling to be excellent as a homemaker.
Since I was younger, though my mother trained me well, to the point of neurosis (just kidding, Mom), I have always found chores to be, well, a chore. I can write pages and pages of papers inhale books, complete projects and assigned tasks, etc. But tell me to pick up a broom or a duster and they suddenly feel like weights in my hands. It was very, VERY seldom that I enjoyed cleaning. And now, I have a household to take care of by myself. Of course I am grateful we have a household to call our own, and JP does lend a helping hand whenever needed, but I do understand that managing the home is my main responsibility. As much as possible, I need to make this home a sanctuary that my husband can come home to, especially after a full day's work. Although he should be able to relax and kick off his shoes, I better make sure to find those shoes so he doesn't trip on them when he gets up. I know keeping a clutter-free house is one of the ways he feels loved.
And this is challenging for me. Not the part about loving JP of course (by God's grace), but keeping a clean, organized home. This is something that I am not naturally good at. It really does take effort for me to make my home look presentable.
And yet, I know this is what God has divinely set for me to learn at this stage of my life. I am so much better at being a career woman: I know the lingo, the culture, the people, etc. It's so much easier to know how well one is doing because the guidelines and the checklists are set right in front of you.
Here at home, I am purely living by faith and am on my knees, asking the Lord to rebuke me of my own selfish will and to strengthen me to be the godly wife (and perhaps, mother, if He wills in the future) that He wants me to be.
It's so hard not to be good at something you are supposed to be good at! And yet, I see His divine, loving hand in this whole process. It's so easy to be proud and to garner all the accolades when I am naturally good at something. And it's so humbling to be mediocre at something most people find to be a no-brainer.
But it is in this difficult, humbling situation that I can experience the grace of God. I feel my own weakness and am directed towards running to Him, to ask Him to help me be the Titus 2 wife I know He is making me to be. I never thought of how being a homemaker can be part of His plan of making me Christlike. I took foregranted my own mother's role in my life while I was growing up. It never occurred to me that she may have had a hard time running her household. She did it so effortlessly that I thought it was just a natural ability given to all women. And it is even more humbling that this "natural ability" is not so natural for me.
But because God is definitely good, He has blessed me with a circle of Christ-exalting women who are teaching me what it means to find contentment in the Lord; to look to the Word, not the world, for what is pleasing and acceptable femininity. I am so blessed to hear these women's testimonies in the challenges they themselves face as homemakers, and how Christ has always been sufficient in meeting their needs for every circumstance. These godly women are so counter-culture and the result is seen in their joyful dispositions. Speaking of Titus 2, I am enjoying to see the text being fulfilled in our lives towards one another. As strange as this sounds, it's a comfort to know that I don't know a lot.
And that's really been my journey these past few years: exposing just how much I don't know and how skewed certain perceptions have been. Christ has been so comforting and leading like the good Shepherd He is. He is such a merciful God who gently rebukes me back into the green pastures and still waters whenever I stray (which I find to be often).
There is so much to say (or write, rather). But I guess the culmination of these thoughts is in realizing how I find rest in realizing my weakness and His strength. God has been teaching me to redirect my thoughts from the hardness of the situation to sincerely asking, "how can Christ be glorified in this?" It takes serious discipline to capture negative thoughts and redirect my mind on Him and His purposes. And because I don't always succeed, I thank God for His grace in forgiveness and starting over.
I wish I could say that, after writing this blog, I have mastered what it means to be a great homemaker. It is still a struggle. It is still something I need to pray strength for daily, to admit in humility that I need the Lord to make me excellent in an area I am so weak in. But I am confident in my Christ and in my God's ability to make me like Him. Looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of my faith, the example of perfect submission to and trust in the Father's will.
Even though I don't always feel it, I know that these difficulties are designed to grow my love for Christ. In the end, I know it's not really about how I keep my home, how well I scrub the toilets, or how organized I keep the cabinets. It's about experiencing a deeper, stronger, more meaningful relationship with Christ through these life situations, so I can live my life verse with conviction: I want to know Christ and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in His sufferings, becoming like Him in His death.
So many things have changed since I last wrote on this site. For one thing, I recently celebrated two years of wedded bliss to my beloved, JP Fredeluces. I thank God as often as I remember for the tender-hearted, godly man He has given me. Sure, things aren't always as good as freshly baked apple pie smells, but more often than not, they are :). Even ala mode, which is the only way to eat pie, in my opinion.
Another thing that I have been adjusting to is being a homemaker primarily. I have never known life without either being in school, at work, or both. But by God's divine sovereignty, I am a homemaker, waiting for His will for what's next. I have to say: it takes a lot of getting used to, and God is certainly growing me in patience and humility. I have always measured excellence in grades and productivity at work (even likability). I must say, this has always been a comfort zone for me because, bragging aside, I have, for the most part, excelled at education and career, even in jobs I didn't like. However, in this chapter in my life, I am actually struggling to be excellent as a homemaker.
Since I was younger, though my mother trained me well, to the point of neurosis (just kidding, Mom), I have always found chores to be, well, a chore. I can write pages and pages of papers inhale books, complete projects and assigned tasks, etc. But tell me to pick up a broom or a duster and they suddenly feel like weights in my hands. It was very, VERY seldom that I enjoyed cleaning. And now, I have a household to take care of by myself. Of course I am grateful we have a household to call our own, and JP does lend a helping hand whenever needed, but I do understand that managing the home is my main responsibility. As much as possible, I need to make this home a sanctuary that my husband can come home to, especially after a full day's work. Although he should be able to relax and kick off his shoes, I better make sure to find those shoes so he doesn't trip on them when he gets up. I know keeping a clutter-free house is one of the ways he feels loved.
And this is challenging for me. Not the part about loving JP of course (by God's grace), but keeping a clean, organized home. This is something that I am not naturally good at. It really does take effort for me to make my home look presentable.
And yet, I know this is what God has divinely set for me to learn at this stage of my life. I am so much better at being a career woman: I know the lingo, the culture, the people, etc. It's so much easier to know how well one is doing because the guidelines and the checklists are set right in front of you.
Here at home, I am purely living by faith and am on my knees, asking the Lord to rebuke me of my own selfish will and to strengthen me to be the godly wife (and perhaps, mother, if He wills in the future) that He wants me to be.
It's so hard not to be good at something you are supposed to be good at! And yet, I see His divine, loving hand in this whole process. It's so easy to be proud and to garner all the accolades when I am naturally good at something. And it's so humbling to be mediocre at something most people find to be a no-brainer.
But it is in this difficult, humbling situation that I can experience the grace of God. I feel my own weakness and am directed towards running to Him, to ask Him to help me be the Titus 2 wife I know He is making me to be. I never thought of how being a homemaker can be part of His plan of making me Christlike. I took foregranted my own mother's role in my life while I was growing up. It never occurred to me that she may have had a hard time running her household. She did it so effortlessly that I thought it was just a natural ability given to all women. And it is even more humbling that this "natural ability" is not so natural for me.
But because God is definitely good, He has blessed me with a circle of Christ-exalting women who are teaching me what it means to find contentment in the Lord; to look to the Word, not the world, for what is pleasing and acceptable femininity. I am so blessed to hear these women's testimonies in the challenges they themselves face as homemakers, and how Christ has always been sufficient in meeting their needs for every circumstance. These godly women are so counter-culture and the result is seen in their joyful dispositions. Speaking of Titus 2, I am enjoying to see the text being fulfilled in our lives towards one another. As strange as this sounds, it's a comfort to know that I don't know a lot.
And that's really been my journey these past few years: exposing just how much I don't know and how skewed certain perceptions have been. Christ has been so comforting and leading like the good Shepherd He is. He is such a merciful God who gently rebukes me back into the green pastures and still waters whenever I stray (which I find to be often).
There is so much to say (or write, rather). But I guess the culmination of these thoughts is in realizing how I find rest in realizing my weakness and His strength. God has been teaching me to redirect my thoughts from the hardness of the situation to sincerely asking, "how can Christ be glorified in this?" It takes serious discipline to capture negative thoughts and redirect my mind on Him and His purposes. And because I don't always succeed, I thank God for His grace in forgiveness and starting over.
I wish I could say that, after writing this blog, I have mastered what it means to be a great homemaker. It is still a struggle. It is still something I need to pray strength for daily, to admit in humility that I need the Lord to make me excellent in an area I am so weak in. But I am confident in my Christ and in my God's ability to make me like Him. Looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of my faith, the example of perfect submission to and trust in the Father's will.
Even though I don't always feel it, I know that these difficulties are designed to grow my love for Christ. In the end, I know it's not really about how I keep my home, how well I scrub the toilets, or how organized I keep the cabinets. It's about experiencing a deeper, stronger, more meaningful relationship with Christ through these life situations, so I can live my life verse with conviction: I want to know Christ and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in His sufferings, becoming like Him in His death.