The sweet gray area
I have never really seen myself as selfish, but I am realizing lately that I am. Not only do I see this in my actions, but I am noticing it in my thoughts as well. I never wanted to be this way. I always wanted to live my life helping others and making them happy. I never thought that I would be hurt by this in the end, but it was inevitable the whole time.
It took a lot of guts and determination for me to break things off with Brandon. I am grateful that I did, however- things are a lot better for me now. But the problem remains- when I am in a relationship I have a solid stronghold of someone to take care of. I work better within the confines of a relationship. But, I am single now and I haven't really been single in 3 years. So, I see this point in my life as pivotal. I am interested in people, yes, but I am seeing them in a different light as of lately. The way dating should have been the whole time is the way I am trying to do it now- and not succeeding very well, honestly. The way dating should have been the whole time was being someones friend first then getting to know them on a deeper level before delving into the romantic relationship aspect. Now the issue with doing this is if the person I have been friends with does not reciprocate my feelings, some of the friendship seems to be lost. So I find myself at an interesting point in the grey area.
So then I find myself in an interesting situation. There is someone I would love to be a part of my life, but
I am not sure in what facet he would like to fit in. Like I said previously, I work a lot better with the parameters of a relationship, and this whole dating but not really dating thing is very confusing. When it comes down to it, I know what I want and need, but I am willing to side-step those for something that is just out of my grasp. I know that I am going to come back and re-read this entry and think that I am a fool, but such is life. I am so full of mixed emotions that it is a wonder I can keep anything straight at all.
In better news, I am up north right now getting my car that my dad just bought for me. Hello sweet freedom of a 2005 Chevy Cavalier! Its nice to have my own car! True, work insisted that I have one, but it sure does give me a boost in the independence and freedom categories!
As my eyelids get heavier and my thoughts become melded together, I leave you, my audience, with this thought- how do you do what you need to do when you know something that is beneficial for you is within reach?
It took a lot of guts and determination for me to break things off with Brandon. I am grateful that I did, however- things are a lot better for me now. But the problem remains- when I am in a relationship I have a solid stronghold of someone to take care of. I work better within the confines of a relationship. But, I am single now and I haven't really been single in 3 years. So, I see this point in my life as pivotal. I am interested in people, yes, but I am seeing them in a different light as of lately. The way dating should have been the whole time is the way I am trying to do it now- and not succeeding very well, honestly. The way dating should have been the whole time was being someones friend first then getting to know them on a deeper level before delving into the romantic relationship aspect. Now the issue with doing this is if the person I have been friends with does not reciprocate my feelings, some of the friendship seems to be lost. So I find myself at an interesting point in the grey area.
So then I find myself in an interesting situation. There is someone I would love to be a part of my life, but
I am not sure in what facet he would like to fit in. Like I said previously, I work a lot better with the parameters of a relationship, and this whole dating but not really dating thing is very confusing. When it comes down to it, I know what I want and need, but I am willing to side-step those for something that is just out of my grasp. I know that I am going to come back and re-read this entry and think that I am a fool, but such is life. I am so full of mixed emotions that it is a wonder I can keep anything straight at all.
In better news, I am up north right now getting my car that my dad just bought for me. Hello sweet freedom of a 2005 Chevy Cavalier! Its nice to have my own car! True, work insisted that I have one, but it sure does give me a boost in the independence and freedom categories!
As my eyelids get heavier and my thoughts become melded together, I leave you, my audience, with this thought- how do you do what you need to do when you know something that is beneficial for you is within reach?