On weddings and being girly
Today, Heather was over, putting stamps on the invitations and RSVP cards and stuffing them.* I said something that was a bit mean, but I was joking. She called me cranky, and I told her I was actually in a good mood.
And I am. Not non-stop, but I've been smiling since Sat.
God, if one conversation can make me happy for days, imagine what it would be like if I was friends with him. (I refuse to imagine being more, for fear of jinxing it. But you can, if you want.)
My mom responded by saying, "You can tell she's happy, cause she's wearing make-up."
I don't think that's entirely true. I wore it because I knew we were going somewhere. And I want to practice putting on make-up so it doesn't look like shit next concert. (Yes, I am a spazz.)
I surprise myself thinking this way, because I've never been overly girly.
Even more surprising is the fact that I sort of want a tan. Not a major one, per say, just so my legs don't glow and to fix the slight farmers tan I got while in Italy. (Which tells you how pale I am under my clothes, that even though it was months ago, it's still there.)
I do almost hate that I care, but I think, hopefully, in the end, by doing these things I won't be so shy and nervous and have such low self-worth. (Because for all of my comments about being awesome, I don't really believe it. But I want to change, and maybe if I change my appearance, it'll help.)
I almost wanted to explain to them, or at least my mom why I was so happy. I didn't though.
I haven't told her about wanting to study psych, either. And it seems like a certainty now.
That's right, my shyness extents to everyone and everything.
*I hope I can just elope. Proper weddings are too much hassle.
I've never imagined my wedding, as most of female society seems to do. I know that I've changed over the years and what might be ideal now might not be when I'm ready to get married. And it depends on the guy. I want marriage to be about love, not about appearances, which most seem to think. "Oh, he'll buy me a house and a huge ring and we'll go to Hawaii for our honeymoon and the wedding will be so fancy." Uhm, what if the guy doesn't want that? What if the two of you can't afford that? What if he wants it to be Star Wars themed?
I'm an idealist when it comes to that sort of thing. Despite knowing that most marriages were not for love, but for position in the community or a way to keep from dying of starvation or cold or whatever might happen because you were poor. I believe that even if I don't stay married all my life, when it happens, it will be about the two of us and what we feel, not some bollocks societal opinion. (Does that phrase bother you, "bollocks societal opinion"? 'Cause it's making me giggle.)
The point is, I'm glad I'm not my sister. Her wedding and all the plans are starting to stress her out, and I am enjoying being so happy and buoyant.
I want to compare myself to a balloon, floating happily, but that doesn't have the right sentiment. They float away unless they're tethered and eventually fall to the ground. I know eventually i will settle into something less happy, but right now? It doesn't look to be happening anytime soon (unless something tragic happens outside my control.) And I don't feel tethered, I don't feel like I'm floating away. I feel like I'm off the ground. Is there anything that hovers naturally?
On an unrelated note, I need to take the Sat or ACT.
I think, I might sign up after I get my license (which should be this month), and not tell my parents until I get my scores.
That'd be one way to tell them what's going on. Oh, Mom, btw, I got a 5 on my ACT. I think I should have taken it before graduating. All the knowledge has left my mind. >.<
But, yeah. College. I want to go. And if I don't get on the ball, I won't be able to start until January '10. And wouldn't that be a bitch?
And I am. Not non-stop, but I've been smiling since Sat.
God, if one conversation can make me happy for days, imagine what it would be like if I was friends with him. (I refuse to imagine being more, for fear of jinxing it. But you can, if you want.)
My mom responded by saying, "You can tell she's happy, cause she's wearing make-up."
I don't think that's entirely true. I wore it because I knew we were going somewhere. And I want to practice putting on make-up so it doesn't look like shit next concert. (Yes, I am a spazz.)
I surprise myself thinking this way, because I've never been overly girly.
Even more surprising is the fact that I sort of want a tan. Not a major one, per say, just so my legs don't glow and to fix the slight farmers tan I got while in Italy. (Which tells you how pale I am under my clothes, that even though it was months ago, it's still there.)
I do almost hate that I care, but I think, hopefully, in the end, by doing these things I won't be so shy and nervous and have such low self-worth. (Because for all of my comments about being awesome, I don't really believe it. But I want to change, and maybe if I change my appearance, it'll help.)
I almost wanted to explain to them, or at least my mom why I was so happy. I didn't though.
I haven't told her about wanting to study psych, either. And it seems like a certainty now.
That's right, my shyness extents to everyone and everything.
*I hope I can just elope. Proper weddings are too much hassle.
I've never imagined my wedding, as most of female society seems to do. I know that I've changed over the years and what might be ideal now might not be when I'm ready to get married. And it depends on the guy. I want marriage to be about love, not about appearances, which most seem to think. "Oh, he'll buy me a house and a huge ring and we'll go to Hawaii for our honeymoon and the wedding will be so fancy." Uhm, what if the guy doesn't want that? What if the two of you can't afford that? What if he wants it to be Star Wars themed?
I'm an idealist when it comes to that sort of thing. Despite knowing that most marriages were not for love, but for position in the community or a way to keep from dying of starvation or cold or whatever might happen because you were poor. I believe that even if I don't stay married all my life, when it happens, it will be about the two of us and what we feel, not some bollocks societal opinion. (Does that phrase bother you, "bollocks societal opinion"? 'Cause it's making me giggle.)
The point is, I'm glad I'm not my sister. Her wedding and all the plans are starting to stress her out, and I am enjoying being so happy and buoyant.
I want to compare myself to a balloon, floating happily, but that doesn't have the right sentiment. They float away unless they're tethered and eventually fall to the ground. I know eventually i will settle into something less happy, but right now? It doesn't look to be happening anytime soon (unless something tragic happens outside my control.) And I don't feel tethered, I don't feel like I'm floating away. I feel like I'm off the ground. Is there anything that hovers naturally?
On an unrelated note, I need to take the Sat or ACT.
I think, I might sign up after I get my license (which should be this month), and not tell my parents until I get my scores.
That'd be one way to tell them what's going on. Oh, Mom, btw, I got a 5 on my ACT. I think I should have taken it before graduating. All the knowledge has left my mind. >.<
But, yeah. College. I want to go. And if I don't get on the ball, I won't be able to start until January '10. And wouldn't that be a bitch?