Blast from the past
Twenty years ago I had my first "boyfriend."
It was my first year in college -- in fact, I met him the summer before. when I discovered the weekly German "table" at a local pizza parlor. I went to speak German. I ended up giving this guy my phone number.
This is an episode/phase/person I don't talk about. I'd rather not. It's so embarrassing. My first boyfriend was literally the first guy that came along. He was ten years older, and a loser on every level. He had a job at a bank and was going to school, but within months he ended up living out of his van and making mobiles from empty beer cans, which he tried to sell. Yes, he's the first guy I had sex with, and I'll spare you the details, but it was awful. He gave me my first case of STDs. As well as scabies. He was arrogant, laughed at the world, thought he was more intelligent than most, and lived in a world of drugs and welfare. (He didn't do drugs. But they were not as far away as the generally are from my vision and perception.)
Anyway. My self-esteem was so so low; that's why I went with him. I really thought no one would ever want me, that's why I jumped at the chance. My judgment in character had a long way to go. But I eventually realized that his life was not the future I wanted, and I broke up with him.
A couple years later he contacted me again. We had coffee somewhere, and he asked me to marry him. Told me it might be the only offer I'd ever get. (Let's see, I was ... 20?) Obviously, I turned him down.
And now, yesterday, he remembered how to spell my last name. Googled me, found an e-mail address, and wrote to me.
A lot of rambly stuff, no clear request except he wants to hear back. Told me about his life, two divorces, exes on drugs, kids in trouble, more STDs (thanks for telling me you had herpes, dude). He writes, "you were a much more decent person than I ever was," and tells me he loved me.
I'm so stunned I don't know how to react, except to blog about it. This is one ex I have no desire to be friends with. He's doing the best he can, yes, but for me to have been intimate with him -- I wish I could just erase that. I wish it would have been someone else, the first time. I know I'm blaming him for me having been so insecure, but still... but still.
So, do I respond?
It was my first year in college -- in fact, I met him the summer before. when I discovered the weekly German "table" at a local pizza parlor. I went to speak German. I ended up giving this guy my phone number.
This is an episode/phase/person I don't talk about. I'd rather not. It's so embarrassing. My first boyfriend was literally the first guy that came along. He was ten years older, and a loser on every level. He had a job at a bank and was going to school, but within months he ended up living out of his van and making mobiles from empty beer cans, which he tried to sell. Yes, he's the first guy I had sex with, and I'll spare you the details, but it was awful. He gave me my first case of STDs. As well as scabies. He was arrogant, laughed at the world, thought he was more intelligent than most, and lived in a world of drugs and welfare. (He didn't do drugs. But they were not as far away as the generally are from my vision and perception.)
Anyway. My self-esteem was so so low; that's why I went with him. I really thought no one would ever want me, that's why I jumped at the chance. My judgment in character had a long way to go. But I eventually realized that his life was not the future I wanted, and I broke up with him.
A couple years later he contacted me again. We had coffee somewhere, and he asked me to marry him. Told me it might be the only offer I'd ever get. (Let's see, I was ... 20?) Obviously, I turned him down.
And now, yesterday, he remembered how to spell my last name. Googled me, found an e-mail address, and wrote to me.
A lot of rambly stuff, no clear request except he wants to hear back. Told me about his life, two divorces, exes on drugs, kids in trouble, more STDs (thanks for telling me you had herpes, dude). He writes, "you were a much more decent person than I ever was," and tells me he loved me.
I'm so stunned I don't know how to react, except to blog about it. This is one ex I have no desire to be friends with. He's doing the best he can, yes, but for me to have been intimate with him -- I wish I could just erase that. I wish it would have been someone else, the first time. I know I'm blaming him for me having been so insecure, but still... but still.
So, do I respond?