Feb 01, 2007 03:20
Patterns seem to be in every facet of life. There never seems to be one feeling that stays with you forever. On the flip side, I've yet to feel one unique emotion, I experience the same ones over and over again. Complicated situations never cease to exist. Disappointment is imminent. Loves pattern seems to be a little more confusing.
People come and go in patterns as well. So does their role and thier importance. Is this making any sense? Probably not.
At this moment in my life, things are complicated. According to my livejournal, they're always complicated.
Tiffany and I had a momentary (a couple, actually.. we just got caught this time) lack of judgement that has left her mother very hurt. The actions? Tiffany coming to my house during the week, while she is supposed to be at school without her mother knowing. Unfortunately, her car (which has been having troubles lately) wouldn't start the morning after, when she was planning on going back to school without her mother knowing. How do I redeem myself in her mother's eyes? I concluded tonight that I'm terrified of her mom being angry and how she is going to channel that anger because of my parents lack of authority. They've never been disciplinary, they've never deprive me of ANY privleges. Together, they've yelled at me such few times I can count it on one hand. I'm not proud of this, or think that this is "good parenting" (whatever that is) but it's the truth.
In addition, our parents met for the first time. Later on, in a conversation with Tiffany, her mother pinned my mother as the type who is trying to be a "friend". My mother is not trying to be anything, that is who she is. She is not able to discipline, be strict with me or anything but comforting to Tiffany because well, she truly believes that's her place. Her mother's opinion sort of upset me. My parents have never had a stellar preformance with the neighbours and I've been very upset at the way they've been recieved in the past. I suppose that's sort of stupid. It's not my job to make sure my parents true colours, messages and moral code gets projected on to the face of everyone they encounter. Nor is it my job to sway Tiffany's mother's opinion.
It feels that no matter what Tiffany and I do, or don't do .. there is always so much to consider. I know we jeprodize each other's time, and quite frequently I feel like I don't connect with Jessie or Val, any of my friend's as much as I'd like to because Tiffany and I are constantly together. However, It's hard. To find time for everything. I can't help wanting to see her every second I can.
In addition, and possibly more importantly, after three months Ali and I have decided to work on reconstructing our friendship and our lost time. I've really come to the realization that at 18 years old, it's not about having "best friends" or worrying about who is close with who. Jealousy is really something I've worked on and will continue to work on overcoming. All I care about is that Ali and I can be good people and good friends with each other. That's all. I want good people. I want good friends.