It's been a while...
Hi there. It's me.
It's been such a long time since I've written in here that I don't even know if it would be worth my time to try to catch everyone up on everything.
I'm helping my great-grandmother write her memoirs, a task I find incredibly intimidating and difficult. She begins by saying, "Everything has a beginning and and ending. This is my beginning." I find incredible parallels to her life, to her thoughts, and as I write down the things she says, and the memories she has (which at the age of 86, are still as far as I can tell, crystal clear), I sometimes stop to think...am I ending, or am I beginning?
My wedding is in less than 10 days, and I'm experiencing so many emotions--incredible joy, for I've found someone who loves me for everything that I am, the good AND the bad. Fear--what if he isn't the one, or what if our past hurts and troubles can't be overcome. Anxiety for the wedding day and details, excitement to look the part of a princess at least for a day.
I feel like I am on the verge of The Rest of My Life. I will be a wife, and (hopefully) within a few years, I will be a mother, a thought that I find incredibly emotionally overwhelming that I will be responsible for the creation and upbringing of another human life. Is this the beginning?
Or is this the end of my life as an individual? I know I'll always be an individual, but no longer will my decisions affect only me, as my husband and new family unit will always factor into my decisions. I feel I'm at the end of a carefree era in which I've never minded what the outcome will be or if I screw up.
My grandma also said something that I've been pondering for weeks. She said that when my great-grandpa (rest his soul) took her out on their first date, he proposed to her, and she told him he was a fool. Lo and behold...and she said she doubted her decision until the moment she said her vows before God. There is part of me that feels the same. I didn't date much. IS Brett THE ONE, or should I have shopped around a little more? What if the little quirks that annoy me become huge obstacles. Is he the one that I want to father those future children of mine?
Should marriage be something entered into only when all doubts are gone, or does everyone have the same doubts that I do? I love Brett--sure, we dont see eye to eye on everything, and on a lot of topics, we have opposite opinions. I disapprove of some of the things he says. But he is a kind, compassionate, caring man.
Maybe it is how my Grandma said--that once you say your vows before God, He dissipates doubts, and gives you clarity. It is our free will that leads us to decide to marry, and there is not ONE person in the world for you. Love is not the same as fate, or something that you can't help. It is not the cause of things, or something you just "fall" into. Love is a conscious choice. You do things for someone because you CHOOSE to love them, you CHOOSE to make them happy, you CHOOSE to put them first in your life, despite their flaws. Once you choose to marry, it is God that seals the bond, and you are then one unit, and your doubts won't matter anymore.
I have never been extremely religious, but my grandmother's words were so inspiring that I had to share them. As I'm walking down the isle, less than 10 days from today, I know I will be thinking of her words.
It's been such a long time since I've written in here that I don't even know if it would be worth my time to try to catch everyone up on everything.
I'm helping my great-grandmother write her memoirs, a task I find incredibly intimidating and difficult. She begins by saying, "Everything has a beginning and and ending. This is my beginning." I find incredible parallels to her life, to her thoughts, and as I write down the things she says, and the memories she has (which at the age of 86, are still as far as I can tell, crystal clear), I sometimes stop to think...am I ending, or am I beginning?
My wedding is in less than 10 days, and I'm experiencing so many emotions--incredible joy, for I've found someone who loves me for everything that I am, the good AND the bad. Fear--what if he isn't the one, or what if our past hurts and troubles can't be overcome. Anxiety for the wedding day and details, excitement to look the part of a princess at least for a day.
I feel like I am on the verge of The Rest of My Life. I will be a wife, and (hopefully) within a few years, I will be a mother, a thought that I find incredibly emotionally overwhelming that I will be responsible for the creation and upbringing of another human life. Is this the beginning?
Or is this the end of my life as an individual? I know I'll always be an individual, but no longer will my decisions affect only me, as my husband and new family unit will always factor into my decisions. I feel I'm at the end of a carefree era in which I've never minded what the outcome will be or if I screw up.
My grandma also said something that I've been pondering for weeks. She said that when my great-grandpa (rest his soul) took her out on their first date, he proposed to her, and she told him he was a fool. Lo and behold...and she said she doubted her decision until the moment she said her vows before God. There is part of me that feels the same. I didn't date much. IS Brett THE ONE, or should I have shopped around a little more? What if the little quirks that annoy me become huge obstacles. Is he the one that I want to father those future children of mine?
Should marriage be something entered into only when all doubts are gone, or does everyone have the same doubts that I do? I love Brett--sure, we dont see eye to eye on everything, and on a lot of topics, we have opposite opinions. I disapprove of some of the things he says. But he is a kind, compassionate, caring man.
Maybe it is how my Grandma said--that once you say your vows before God, He dissipates doubts, and gives you clarity. It is our free will that leads us to decide to marry, and there is not ONE person in the world for you. Love is not the same as fate, or something that you can't help. It is not the cause of things, or something you just "fall" into. Love is a conscious choice. You do things for someone because you CHOOSE to love them, you CHOOSE to make them happy, you CHOOSE to put them first in your life, despite their flaws. Once you choose to marry, it is God that seals the bond, and you are then one unit, and your doubts won't matter anymore.
I have never been extremely religious, but my grandmother's words were so inspiring that I had to share them. As I'm walking down the isle, less than 10 days from today, I know I will be thinking of her words.