Blah, I so do not feel like updating.
But I will anyway.
Isn't that nice of me?
"Try"
All I know
Is everything is not as it's sold
but the more I grow the less I know
And I have lived so many lives
Though I'm not old
And the more I see, the less I grow
The fewer the seeds the more I sow
Then I see you standing there
Wanting more from me
And all I can do is try
Then I see you standing there
Wanting more from me
And all I can do is try
I wish I hadn't seen all of the realness
And all the real people are really not real at all
The more I learn, the more I learn
The more I cry, the more I cry
As I say goodbye to the way of life
I thought I had designed for me
Then I see you standing there
Wanting more from me
And all I can do is try
Then I see you standing there
I'm all I'll ever be
But all I can do is try
Try
All of the moments that already passed
We'll try to go back and make them last
All of the things we want each other to be
We never will be
And that's wonderful, and that's life
And that's you, baby
This is me, baby
And we are, we are, we are, we are
Free
In our love
We are free in our love
Okay, so reading this song right now it doesn't seem as fantastic as it does on the radio.
But there are parts. See italics.
Those parts stuck out to me on the radio.
I could see them coming out in me if I ever find someone that makes me feel like Larry did again. That convinces my brain to drink the chemical cocktail with nothing more than a glance.
*Sigh* I miss that. I think that's why I've been on a Larry kick. I need to do something about it, because despite my best efforts, I'm still somewhat human, and the whole... love-area is not my strongest. Any other area I could probably get under control and somehow make a substitute or convince myself it's stupid. But love... I never attempted to block love before, because I didn't realize I needed to, and now that little hole-in-the-wall is starting to get bigger. I have to fix it somehow, whether that means finding a boyfriend or...whatever. I don't care. Whatever I have to do to make it go away. I am not a lonely person, but this... thirst is just growing,and if I ignore it like I usually ignore things it is going to fester and grow and eventually it is going to blow up right in my face. I can feel it. My instincts tell me if I ignore thisone I will regret it. I believe them. I've been a little harder on my instincts lately because they were so off about Jeremy/Daniel, but as my common sense so cheerfully pointed out, I was biased (and, although I didn't realize it, emotionally hungry), and my reasoning for my misjudgement was because this festering problem was standing in the way and clouding my normally clear instincts. This is why I need to fix them. I have a bug in my system, and it's throwing off my other programs. This has to be fixed somehow. And what really bothers me isthat I don'treally knowhow. I've always substituted what I need. But I don't know how to substitute this. I've never known how. Hence the isolation. I was sheltered and protected, but not invincible. You can run, you can hide, but eventually it will catch you.
This is why I absolutely have to find some way to deal with this. When Jeremy said, "So, what's up, Sam?" today, my heart dropped into my stomach. This is not an appropriate reaction to hearing someone say your name, especially a nickname that you don't even like, especially when the speaker is married.
You know what, I need to put this behind a cut.
But I think that's why I've been all Larry-Larry-Larry lately. Despite all the males around, the only ones that I seem to view as options are Jeremy and Larry, two completely out-of-reach people. Larry is several states away, making him an extremely difficult --and sad-- person to focus my attentions on, and Jeremy ismarried, which makes him worlds away, but really too close, since I do work with him. I can decide not to like Larry and walk away, but how the hell do I walk away from someone I see every week? And he's my manager, so I want/have to get along with him. I don't want to be left out of the group. I don't mind being the good one of the group, but I do mind being left out completely, because I like them.
But I've been grasping onto Larry because out of the two, sadly, the person living several states away is the best option.
And the worst part is, even though I have no idea what to do, I have no choice but to bear this one alone. No way would I talk to aunt Geri about this, for fear that in the future it would be elaborated on and thrown back in my face. I wouldn't tell my mom, because it would hit too close to home, and also because I don't actually know to explain it. I don't know how to explain that I'm not actually concerned about my actions, because I do have some self-control. I'm not an idiot, I'm not controlled by pitiful emotions. (I know I'm not going to go, "Oh, my father mentally scarred me and left me an open psychological wound, so now, instead of using self-control or my brain, I'm going to thoughtlessly do whatever makes me feel better. Wah, wah, wah." I'm just not pathetic enough to do this, and my stomach couldn't handle it. I would probably be forced to kill myself on the spot if I ever acted that pathetic. But my actions and my thoughts/feelings are completely different stories. I cannot help how I feel, only what I actually do, but it's my thoughts that are ticking me off, not my actions.) I don't know how to explain that the problem isn't with actions. It almost isn't real. It's just a mental issue. I cannot handle even feeling a certain way, even though I know I wouldn't do anything about it in reality. I would have no clue how to explain what the problem actually is. It's one of those things I know, but I just know. I could never actually explain how I know. I just know.
So, once again, I am alone in this.
But for the first time in a long time, running just isn't an option. Well, it is, but this time I would have to run much farther, the cost much higher. It's finally catching up to me. I'm finally running out of places to run.
And now I shall go to bed.
Isn't that nice of me?
"Try"
All I know
Is everything is not as it's sold
but the more I grow the less I know
And I have lived so many lives
Though I'm not old
And the more I see, the less I grow
The fewer the seeds the more I sow
Then I see you standing there
Wanting more from me
And all I can do is try
Then I see you standing there
Wanting more from me
And all I can do is try
I wish I hadn't seen all of the realness
And all the real people are really not real at all
The more I learn, the more I learn
The more I cry, the more I cry
As I say goodbye to the way of life
I thought I had designed for me
Then I see you standing there
Wanting more from me
And all I can do is try
Then I see you standing there
I'm all I'll ever be
But all I can do is try
Try
All of the moments that already passed
We'll try to go back and make them last
All of the things we want each other to be
We never will be
And that's wonderful, and that's life
And that's you, baby
This is me, baby
And we are, we are, we are, we are
Free
In our love
We are free in our love
Okay, so reading this song right now it doesn't seem as fantastic as it does on the radio.
But there are parts. See italics.
Those parts stuck out to me on the radio.
I could see them coming out in me if I ever find someone that makes me feel like Larry did again. That convinces my brain to drink the chemical cocktail with nothing more than a glance.
*Sigh* I miss that. I think that's why I've been on a Larry kick. I need to do something about it, because despite my best efforts, I'm still somewhat human, and the whole... love-area is not my strongest. Any other area I could probably get under control and somehow make a substitute or convince myself it's stupid. But love... I never attempted to block love before, because I didn't realize I needed to, and now that little hole-in-the-wall is starting to get bigger. I have to fix it somehow, whether that means finding a boyfriend or...whatever. I don't care. Whatever I have to do to make it go away. I am not a lonely person, but this... thirst is just growing,and if I ignore it like I usually ignore things it is going to fester and grow and eventually it is going to blow up right in my face. I can feel it. My instincts tell me if I ignore thisone I will regret it. I believe them. I've been a little harder on my instincts lately because they were so off about Jeremy/Daniel, but as my common sense so cheerfully pointed out, I was biased (and, although I didn't realize it, emotionally hungry), and my reasoning for my misjudgement was because this festering problem was standing in the way and clouding my normally clear instincts. This is why I need to fix them. I have a bug in my system, and it's throwing off my other programs. This has to be fixed somehow. And what really bothers me isthat I don'treally knowhow. I've always substituted what I need. But I don't know how to substitute this. I've never known how. Hence the isolation. I was sheltered and protected, but not invincible. You can run, you can hide, but eventually it will catch you.
This is why I absolutely have to find some way to deal with this. When Jeremy said, "So, what's up, Sam?" today, my heart dropped into my stomach. This is not an appropriate reaction to hearing someone say your name, especially a nickname that you don't even like, especially when the speaker is married.
You know what, I need to put this behind a cut.
But I think that's why I've been all Larry-Larry-Larry lately. Despite all the males around, the only ones that I seem to view as options are Jeremy and Larry, two completely out-of-reach people. Larry is several states away, making him an extremely difficult --and sad-- person to focus my attentions on, and Jeremy ismarried, which makes him worlds away, but really too close, since I do work with him. I can decide not to like Larry and walk away, but how the hell do I walk away from someone I see every week? And he's my manager, so I want/have to get along with him. I don't want to be left out of the group. I don't mind being the good one of the group, but I do mind being left out completely, because I like them.
But I've been grasping onto Larry because out of the two, sadly, the person living several states away is the best option.
And the worst part is, even though I have no idea what to do, I have no choice but to bear this one alone. No way would I talk to aunt Geri about this, for fear that in the future it would be elaborated on and thrown back in my face. I wouldn't tell my mom, because it would hit too close to home, and also because I don't actually know to explain it. I don't know how to explain that I'm not actually concerned about my actions, because I do have some self-control. I'm not an idiot, I'm not controlled by pitiful emotions. (I know I'm not going to go, "Oh, my father mentally scarred me and left me an open psychological wound, so now, instead of using self-control or my brain, I'm going to thoughtlessly do whatever makes me feel better. Wah, wah, wah." I'm just not pathetic enough to do this, and my stomach couldn't handle it. I would probably be forced to kill myself on the spot if I ever acted that pathetic. But my actions and my thoughts/feelings are completely different stories. I cannot help how I feel, only what I actually do, but it's my thoughts that are ticking me off, not my actions.) I don't know how to explain that the problem isn't with actions. It almost isn't real. It's just a mental issue. I cannot handle even feeling a certain way, even though I know I wouldn't do anything about it in reality. I would have no clue how to explain what the problem actually is. It's one of those things I know, but I just know. I could never actually explain how I know. I just know.
So, once again, I am alone in this.
But for the first time in a long time, running just isn't an option. Well, it is, but this time I would have to run much farther, the cost much higher. It's finally catching up to me. I'm finally running out of places to run.
And now I shall go to bed.