Words to Heal By -- Chapter Five
Title/Chapter: Words to Heal By (05/??)
Author: Amanda W. / writefiction
Pairing: Zac / OFC: Jilly
Rating: Light R
Notes: Written for the Mix Tape Challenge for the song “Broken Angel”
Warning: discussions of mental health (specifically Bipolar Disorder), underage consensual sex (non-graphic)
Previous Chapters
Word Count: 2,580
Summary: Now in his thirties, Zac decides to write a memoir of the time he spent with his soul mate and the tragedy of how their time was cut short. This is his time for healing.
WORDS TO HEAL BY: chapter five
Push and shove then climb aboard
This is the shuttle train to the top of the world
When you look around what do you see?
These are all high flyers
But none of these high flyers look like me
~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~
The making of Underneath was a struggle. We had some amazing work done, but the record company wasn’t feeling it. That’s the part of the story everyone knows. But in this book, this is where the real story begins. This is where the other side, the personal side, begins. This is the part where everything changes and not for the better. A dark shadow was cast into our lives, my brothers and mine with the record, and my girlfriend for no other reason than bad genetics. This is where the story gets real.
~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~
During the making of Underneath it was hard to have time with Jilly. She had school and I had graduated early through home schooling. But the part that matters the most started when she was a junior in high school. We were seeing less and less of each other and I was becoming more stressed by the second because of the damn record executives. On the off chance that we got some time together, it seemed like we would fight more and more. It was a hard thing to deal with because we both hated being apart so often when we only lived five houses away from each other. But it was harder on Jilly and I wasn’t sure why. I’d find out later. So much later that there was nothing I could do to help.
It was a Wednesday and somehow I managed to end up completely by myself at home and I wasn’t locked in the studio either. I was just laying on the couch, channel surfing when the back door opened. “Jilly?” I called out because she was the only one that came in through that door and she was definitely the only one that just let themselves in without knocking.
A moment later she appeared in the living room doorway. I grinned broadly, sat up and held my arms out to her. Jilly immediately moved through the room and sat down in my lap, curling into a tight ball against my chest. I wrapped my arms around her tightly and kissed her hair. “God, Jilly, I’ve missed you so much,” I told her softly. She tucked herself under my chin and sniffed quietly. “Angel, what’s wrong?” I asked, trying to push her away a little so I could see her face, but she wouldn’t let me. She clung to me and hid her face in my t-shirt. “Okay, okay,” I murmured. “You don’t have to move, but you have to tell me what’s wrong or I can’t fix it.”
“You can’t fix it, Zac,” she whispered. “No one can.”
“Maybe I can’t fix it,” I told her as I stroked her hair, “but maybe I can make you feel a little better. But I’d still need to know what’s wrong in order to help.”
Jilly sighed and turned to straddle my lap. She kept her head down and placed it on my shoulder, again keeping me from seeing her face or eyes. I kept my arms around her and stroked her back. “What’s going on, Angel?” I asked.
“I um… I just… promise you won’t hate me?” There was something in her voice that told me not to use the reply, I could never hate you, and just promise her. I could tell it was something she needed to hear.
“Pinky swear,” I whispered.
Jilly pressed her face into my neck and I felt her lips move, but her voice was muffled. I sighed quietly. “Babe, I can’t hear you when you’re all tucked into me like that.”
She took a deep breath and pulled back enough to whisper, “I’m crazy.”
“You’re crazy?” I asked slowly, completely not understanding. Jilly nodded. “I think you’re going to need to elaborate.”
My girlfriend sighed heavily. “I’m bipolar,” she said in a soft, scared voice that trembled with emotion.
“Bipolar?” I questioned. “Like Abby’s mom on ER?” Jilly only nodded. “And you think I’d hate you for that?” She nodded again. “Oh, baby girl,” I murmured as I pulled back. Jilly struggled against it. For some reason she really didn’t want to look me in the eyes. I gently pushed her away from me and she hung her head, her chin almost resting on her chest. I cupped her face in my hands and made her look at me, but she kept her eyes glued to the wall to the left of my head.
I sighed. “Jilly, why won’t you look at me?” I watched as her eyes filled with tears. “Don’t cry,” I whispered. “Please don’t cry.”
Jilly sniffled and wiped roughly at her tears. “I can’t help it,” she murmured. “I just… I can’t stand the thought of losing you.”
I frowned and my brow creased deeply. “You’re not losing me,” I stated.
“Yeah right. Like you really want to spend the rest of your life with a crazy girl,” Jilly retorted.
“Hey now,” I said. “Don’t call yourself crazy. You’re not crazy. You’re sick. There’s something wrong with your brain.” Even though I didn’t know much about Bipolar Disorder at the time, I knew what I’d seen on TV and I knew it wasn’t her fault. I knew enough to know that mental health disorders were no different than a physical illness. I also knew that Jilly was probably going to have to take medication for the rest of her life.
“Shut up, Zac,” Jilly muttered. “I am crazy and I hate my mother for it.”
“Your mom?” I questioned. “But you never knew her.”
Jilly nodded. “Yeah, but Bipolar Disorder can be inherited and…” She shrugged.
“Are you saying that your mom had it too?” I asked. Jilly nodded again and her shoulders began to shake as she tried to hold back sobs.
I pulled her back to my chest. “It’s okay, Angel,” I told her and rubbed her back in soothing circles. “It’s going to be okay. I’m not going to leave you just because you’re sick. I’m in this for the long haul. For better or worse, in sickness and health.”
“Pro-pro-promise?” Jilly stuttered through her tears.
I nodded. “Of course. I pinky swear. Pinky swear times a billion.” Jilly snorted and lifted her head to look at me shyly.
“Times a billion?” she asked.
I grinned at her. “Yeah. Remember? I’ll love you till the end, forever and a day.” Jilly smiled softly and leaned in close to rest her forehead against mine.
“Still forever?” she asked.
I tucked a strand of her long blond hair behind her ear and stroked her cheek lightly. “Always will be. It’ll always be forever. You’re my forever, Jilly Bean, and that’s all I have to say about that.”
“I love you, Zachary,” Jilly murmured.
“I love you too,” I replied. Then Jilly pressed her lips gently to mine and moved them slowly and softly against my mouth.
I sighed through my nose and tangled my fingers in her hair as I kissed back. Kissing Jilly was something I never thought I’d get over. Every time it was like the first time all over again. Always new, always exciting, always perfect. I couldn’t get enough of her.
Jilly moaned quietly when I licked into her mouth and pressed her body closer. I moaned in return and clutched her tighter, my fingers curling tighter in her hair. She kissed and licked and sucked at my lower lip, then nibbled. I couldn’t help the whimper that left my throat. She reached up and pulled the elastic from my hair and ran her fingers through it. She tugged my head back gently and began to work my neck with lips and tongue, using her teeth once and a while. I let my hands wander from her hair, down her back and slid them into the back pockets of her jeans. She moaned against my Adam’s apple and rocked her hips forward.
I sucked in a deep breath, my cock going stiff in my jeans. I gripped her ass and pulled her against my hips again, moaning at the friction it created. Jilly kissed her way back up to my lips and drove her tongue into my mouth. This kiss was rough and hot and… hungry. That was the only way to describe it, like she was trying to devour me through a kiss.
I moaned around her tongue and pulled her against my cock again. This time she moaned with me and slid her hands under my shirt. I shivered as her thumbs ran over my nipples and made them harden into tight little nubs. “Jilly,” I breathed against her lips. “What are you… what’re you doing?” My sentence ended with a moan as she ground down on my erection.
She pressed a light peck to my mouth before drawing back enough to look at me. “I want you,” she whispered in a husky voice that dripped with lust.
“Wh-what?” I stuttered.
Jilly leaned in so close that our mouths were almost touching. I could feel her breath ghost across my lips as she whispered, “You said you wanted to be my first and I told you I wanted the same. What’s the problem?”
“I just… I thought… I mean, I thought we were going to wait till marriage,” I told her.
She sat back a little and looked at me curiously, the pressure of her body moving off my straining cock. I had to bite back a groan of frustration. “You want to wait till we get married?” she asked.
“Yes. No! I mean…” I sighed and scrubbed my face with my hands. “I always thought we’d wait but it doesn’t mean we have to.”
Jilly grinned. “Good.”
“Good?”
“Yep,” she said. “I haven’t heard a peep since I got here. I’m guessing we’re alone?” I nodded slowly, the gears in my head beginning to turn. “So why don’t we go upstairs,” she suggested.
“You really want to?” I asked.
Jilly rolled her eyes and pressed her palm to my dick. “Seems like you want to, too.” I groaned and my head lolled back against the couch as she gently began to stroke me through my pants. “So whataya say, Zac? We’re all alone and your bed is right up those stairs.” She squeezed my prick gently and that was my undoing. I surged forward and crushed my lips to hers, kissing her hungrily. I shoved my tongue in her mouth and licked every square inch as I tried to remember every little stroke of the tongue that made her make those delicious sounds. She pressed closer and rubbed her ass against my erection. “Please, Zac,” she whimpered against my mouth. “I need you.”
I pulled back, gasping, and noticed a tear fall down her cheek. “Angel,” I whispered, running my fingers through her hair. “What’s wrong?”
She shook her head and replied, “I need you. Please, lets just go upstairs.”
“But why are you crying? Baby, what’s wrong? Talk to me.”
She shook her head and tried to climb off me, but I wouldn’t let her.
“Jillian,” I stated firmly. She looked at me with wet eyes. “I want to make it better,” I told her.
“Then take me upstairs,” she murmured.
I frowned. I didn’t think sex would be the answer to whatever was troubling her now. But I couldn’t say no to her. I was a horny teenager and she wanted me. So I nodded and let her climb off me. She took me by the hand and led me upstairs to my room.
Once in my room we took things slowly. We kissed slowly, we undressed slowly. We made love slowly. Everything was soft and sweet. I knew that a girl’s first time could hurt and I wanted to make sure that it wasn’t painful for Jilly. She was my Angel and I don’t think I could have stood it if I was the cause of her pain. When I had noticed tears on her cheeks, I just about died thinking that I was hurting her. But she’d shushed me and told me that it didn’t hurt. That this moment was so perfect that she couldn’t hold back her emotions. It took a little convincing on her part, but when I was finally sure she was okay, we continued.
It didn’t take us long to climax as we were only seventeen and sixteen years of age. But it had been magical. I’d never felt that kind of pleasure before. It was so intense and so passionate and I had no doubt in my mind that this was the woman for me. That I would die for her, that I would marry her as we had promised each other at the tender age of six, just after a year of the first time we met.
Afterwards we laid in my bed, covered up by the blankets. Jilly was tucked into my side, her head rested on top of my chest. I held her close with one arm, the other curled back under my head as I stared up at the ceiling. We had murmured I love you to each other when we had finished but now there was just silence. It wasn’t at all awkward, in fact it was peaceful. But then I felt something wet on my chest that slid down my ribs. “Angel?” I asked quietly.
“Hmm?” she hummed.
“Are you crying?” Jilly nodded, knowing she couldn’t lie to me. “Why, baby? Do you regret what we just did?”
Jilly whipped her head up to stare at me with a look of horror. “How can you think that?” she asked.
I shrugged with a frown on my face. “Because… you’re crying.”
“But that’s not why,” she told me. She crawled up towards my head and turned my face to hers so we were nose to nose. She laid her palm gently against my cheek and said, “I’m just sad, baby. I’m sad that I had to inherit this stupid disorder and that I have no control over how I feel.”
I turned on to my side and drew her close. “I’m sorry, Angel,” I murmured. “I wish I could take it all away for you.”
“I know.” She pecked my lips softly. “I love you so much for that.” Then she tucked herself under my chin, threw a leg over my hip and wrapped her arms around me tightly. “Promise you’ll never leave me?” she whispered.
I kissed the top of her head lightly. “Of course I promise. I couldn’t leave you, not ever. You’re my whole world.”
“Nah, music is your whole word,” she said dismissively.
“Not true,” I told her. “Music is just an easy way to express my feelings for you. I may have loved music first, but you’re my soul mate.”
“Really?” Her voice sounded so small, almost as if she were five years old again.
“Yes, really. I couldn’t live without you.”
Jilly snuggled in closer, her hips bumping against mine. I bit back a moan. My girlfriend giggled and looked up at me with mischievous eyes. “Again?” she asked.
I laughed. “You want to?” She nodded eagerly and I flipped us over so she was pinned below me. “I love you, Angel.”
Her face went soft with a smile and her hands moved through my hair. “I will always love you, Zac,” she told me. Then we kissed and made love for the second time.
Author: Amanda W. / writefiction
Pairing: Zac / OFC: Jilly
Rating: Light R
Notes: Written for the Mix Tape Challenge for the song “Broken Angel”
Warning: discussions of mental health (specifically Bipolar Disorder), underage consensual sex (non-graphic)
Previous Chapters
Word Count: 2,580
Summary: Now in his thirties, Zac decides to write a memoir of the time he spent with his soul mate and the tragedy of how their time was cut short. This is his time for healing.
WORDS TO HEAL BY: chapter five
Push and shove then climb aboard
This is the shuttle train to the top of the world
When you look around what do you see?
These are all high flyers
But none of these high flyers look like me
~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~
The making of Underneath was a struggle. We had some amazing work done, but the record company wasn’t feeling it. That’s the part of the story everyone knows. But in this book, this is where the real story begins. This is where the other side, the personal side, begins. This is the part where everything changes and not for the better. A dark shadow was cast into our lives, my brothers and mine with the record, and my girlfriend for no other reason than bad genetics. This is where the story gets real.
~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~
During the making of Underneath it was hard to have time with Jilly. She had school and I had graduated early through home schooling. But the part that matters the most started when she was a junior in high school. We were seeing less and less of each other and I was becoming more stressed by the second because of the damn record executives. On the off chance that we got some time together, it seemed like we would fight more and more. It was a hard thing to deal with because we both hated being apart so often when we only lived five houses away from each other. But it was harder on Jilly and I wasn’t sure why. I’d find out later. So much later that there was nothing I could do to help.
It was a Wednesday and somehow I managed to end up completely by myself at home and I wasn’t locked in the studio either. I was just laying on the couch, channel surfing when the back door opened. “Jilly?” I called out because she was the only one that came in through that door and she was definitely the only one that just let themselves in without knocking.
A moment later she appeared in the living room doorway. I grinned broadly, sat up and held my arms out to her. Jilly immediately moved through the room and sat down in my lap, curling into a tight ball against my chest. I wrapped my arms around her tightly and kissed her hair. “God, Jilly, I’ve missed you so much,” I told her softly. She tucked herself under my chin and sniffed quietly. “Angel, what’s wrong?” I asked, trying to push her away a little so I could see her face, but she wouldn’t let me. She clung to me and hid her face in my t-shirt. “Okay, okay,” I murmured. “You don’t have to move, but you have to tell me what’s wrong or I can’t fix it.”
“You can’t fix it, Zac,” she whispered. “No one can.”
“Maybe I can’t fix it,” I told her as I stroked her hair, “but maybe I can make you feel a little better. But I’d still need to know what’s wrong in order to help.”
Jilly sighed and turned to straddle my lap. She kept her head down and placed it on my shoulder, again keeping me from seeing her face or eyes. I kept my arms around her and stroked her back. “What’s going on, Angel?” I asked.
“I um… I just… promise you won’t hate me?” There was something in her voice that told me not to use the reply, I could never hate you, and just promise her. I could tell it was something she needed to hear.
“Pinky swear,” I whispered.
Jilly pressed her face into my neck and I felt her lips move, but her voice was muffled. I sighed quietly. “Babe, I can’t hear you when you’re all tucked into me like that.”
She took a deep breath and pulled back enough to whisper, “I’m crazy.”
“You’re crazy?” I asked slowly, completely not understanding. Jilly nodded. “I think you’re going to need to elaborate.”
My girlfriend sighed heavily. “I’m bipolar,” she said in a soft, scared voice that trembled with emotion.
“Bipolar?” I questioned. “Like Abby’s mom on ER?” Jilly only nodded. “And you think I’d hate you for that?” She nodded again. “Oh, baby girl,” I murmured as I pulled back. Jilly struggled against it. For some reason she really didn’t want to look me in the eyes. I gently pushed her away from me and she hung her head, her chin almost resting on her chest. I cupped her face in my hands and made her look at me, but she kept her eyes glued to the wall to the left of my head.
I sighed. “Jilly, why won’t you look at me?” I watched as her eyes filled with tears. “Don’t cry,” I whispered. “Please don’t cry.”
Jilly sniffled and wiped roughly at her tears. “I can’t help it,” she murmured. “I just… I can’t stand the thought of losing you.”
I frowned and my brow creased deeply. “You’re not losing me,” I stated.
“Yeah right. Like you really want to spend the rest of your life with a crazy girl,” Jilly retorted.
“Hey now,” I said. “Don’t call yourself crazy. You’re not crazy. You’re sick. There’s something wrong with your brain.” Even though I didn’t know much about Bipolar Disorder at the time, I knew what I’d seen on TV and I knew it wasn’t her fault. I knew enough to know that mental health disorders were no different than a physical illness. I also knew that Jilly was probably going to have to take medication for the rest of her life.
“Shut up, Zac,” Jilly muttered. “I am crazy and I hate my mother for it.”
“Your mom?” I questioned. “But you never knew her.”
Jilly nodded. “Yeah, but Bipolar Disorder can be inherited and…” She shrugged.
“Are you saying that your mom had it too?” I asked. Jilly nodded again and her shoulders began to shake as she tried to hold back sobs.
I pulled her back to my chest. “It’s okay, Angel,” I told her and rubbed her back in soothing circles. “It’s going to be okay. I’m not going to leave you just because you’re sick. I’m in this for the long haul. For better or worse, in sickness and health.”
“Pro-pro-promise?” Jilly stuttered through her tears.
I nodded. “Of course. I pinky swear. Pinky swear times a billion.” Jilly snorted and lifted her head to look at me shyly.
“Times a billion?” she asked.
I grinned at her. “Yeah. Remember? I’ll love you till the end, forever and a day.” Jilly smiled softly and leaned in close to rest her forehead against mine.
“Still forever?” she asked.
I tucked a strand of her long blond hair behind her ear and stroked her cheek lightly. “Always will be. It’ll always be forever. You’re my forever, Jilly Bean, and that’s all I have to say about that.”
“I love you, Zachary,” Jilly murmured.
“I love you too,” I replied. Then Jilly pressed her lips gently to mine and moved them slowly and softly against my mouth.
I sighed through my nose and tangled my fingers in her hair as I kissed back. Kissing Jilly was something I never thought I’d get over. Every time it was like the first time all over again. Always new, always exciting, always perfect. I couldn’t get enough of her.
Jilly moaned quietly when I licked into her mouth and pressed her body closer. I moaned in return and clutched her tighter, my fingers curling tighter in her hair. She kissed and licked and sucked at my lower lip, then nibbled. I couldn’t help the whimper that left my throat. She reached up and pulled the elastic from my hair and ran her fingers through it. She tugged my head back gently and began to work my neck with lips and tongue, using her teeth once and a while. I let my hands wander from her hair, down her back and slid them into the back pockets of her jeans. She moaned against my Adam’s apple and rocked her hips forward.
I sucked in a deep breath, my cock going stiff in my jeans. I gripped her ass and pulled her against my hips again, moaning at the friction it created. Jilly kissed her way back up to my lips and drove her tongue into my mouth. This kiss was rough and hot and… hungry. That was the only way to describe it, like she was trying to devour me through a kiss.
I moaned around her tongue and pulled her against my cock again. This time she moaned with me and slid her hands under my shirt. I shivered as her thumbs ran over my nipples and made them harden into tight little nubs. “Jilly,” I breathed against her lips. “What are you… what’re you doing?” My sentence ended with a moan as she ground down on my erection.
She pressed a light peck to my mouth before drawing back enough to look at me. “I want you,” she whispered in a husky voice that dripped with lust.
“Wh-what?” I stuttered.
Jilly leaned in so close that our mouths were almost touching. I could feel her breath ghost across my lips as she whispered, “You said you wanted to be my first and I told you I wanted the same. What’s the problem?”
“I just… I thought… I mean, I thought we were going to wait till marriage,” I told her.
She sat back a little and looked at me curiously, the pressure of her body moving off my straining cock. I had to bite back a groan of frustration. “You want to wait till we get married?” she asked.
“Yes. No! I mean…” I sighed and scrubbed my face with my hands. “I always thought we’d wait but it doesn’t mean we have to.”
Jilly grinned. “Good.”
“Good?”
“Yep,” she said. “I haven’t heard a peep since I got here. I’m guessing we’re alone?” I nodded slowly, the gears in my head beginning to turn. “So why don’t we go upstairs,” she suggested.
“You really want to?” I asked.
Jilly rolled her eyes and pressed her palm to my dick. “Seems like you want to, too.” I groaned and my head lolled back against the couch as she gently began to stroke me through my pants. “So whataya say, Zac? We’re all alone and your bed is right up those stairs.” She squeezed my prick gently and that was my undoing. I surged forward and crushed my lips to hers, kissing her hungrily. I shoved my tongue in her mouth and licked every square inch as I tried to remember every little stroke of the tongue that made her make those delicious sounds. She pressed closer and rubbed her ass against my erection. “Please, Zac,” she whimpered against my mouth. “I need you.”
I pulled back, gasping, and noticed a tear fall down her cheek. “Angel,” I whispered, running my fingers through her hair. “What’s wrong?”
She shook her head and replied, “I need you. Please, lets just go upstairs.”
“But why are you crying? Baby, what’s wrong? Talk to me.”
She shook her head and tried to climb off me, but I wouldn’t let her.
“Jillian,” I stated firmly. She looked at me with wet eyes. “I want to make it better,” I told her.
“Then take me upstairs,” she murmured.
I frowned. I didn’t think sex would be the answer to whatever was troubling her now. But I couldn’t say no to her. I was a horny teenager and she wanted me. So I nodded and let her climb off me. She took me by the hand and led me upstairs to my room.
Once in my room we took things slowly. We kissed slowly, we undressed slowly. We made love slowly. Everything was soft and sweet. I knew that a girl’s first time could hurt and I wanted to make sure that it wasn’t painful for Jilly. She was my Angel and I don’t think I could have stood it if I was the cause of her pain. When I had noticed tears on her cheeks, I just about died thinking that I was hurting her. But she’d shushed me and told me that it didn’t hurt. That this moment was so perfect that she couldn’t hold back her emotions. It took a little convincing on her part, but when I was finally sure she was okay, we continued.
It didn’t take us long to climax as we were only seventeen and sixteen years of age. But it had been magical. I’d never felt that kind of pleasure before. It was so intense and so passionate and I had no doubt in my mind that this was the woman for me. That I would die for her, that I would marry her as we had promised each other at the tender age of six, just after a year of the first time we met.
Afterwards we laid in my bed, covered up by the blankets. Jilly was tucked into my side, her head rested on top of my chest. I held her close with one arm, the other curled back under my head as I stared up at the ceiling. We had murmured I love you to each other when we had finished but now there was just silence. It wasn’t at all awkward, in fact it was peaceful. But then I felt something wet on my chest that slid down my ribs. “Angel?” I asked quietly.
“Hmm?” she hummed.
“Are you crying?” Jilly nodded, knowing she couldn’t lie to me. “Why, baby? Do you regret what we just did?”
Jilly whipped her head up to stare at me with a look of horror. “How can you think that?” she asked.
I shrugged with a frown on my face. “Because… you’re crying.”
“But that’s not why,” she told me. She crawled up towards my head and turned my face to hers so we were nose to nose. She laid her palm gently against my cheek and said, “I’m just sad, baby. I’m sad that I had to inherit this stupid disorder and that I have no control over how I feel.”
I turned on to my side and drew her close. “I’m sorry, Angel,” I murmured. “I wish I could take it all away for you.”
“I know.” She pecked my lips softly. “I love you so much for that.” Then she tucked herself under my chin, threw a leg over my hip and wrapped her arms around me tightly. “Promise you’ll never leave me?” she whispered.
I kissed the top of her head lightly. “Of course I promise. I couldn’t leave you, not ever. You’re my whole world.”
“Nah, music is your whole word,” she said dismissively.
“Not true,” I told her. “Music is just an easy way to express my feelings for you. I may have loved music first, but you’re my soul mate.”
“Really?” Her voice sounded so small, almost as if she were five years old again.
“Yes, really. I couldn’t live without you.”
Jilly snuggled in closer, her hips bumping against mine. I bit back a moan. My girlfriend giggled and looked up at me with mischievous eyes. “Again?” she asked.
I laughed. “You want to?” She nodded eagerly and I flipped us over so she was pinned below me. “I love you, Angel.”
Her face went soft with a smile and her hands moved through my hair. “I will always love you, Zac,” she told me. Then we kissed and made love for the second time.