Sister
This is a spoken word piece. Since it is supposed to be a slam poem, it is long, and I suppose my intention is really to tell a story in poem form. My problem is, and always has been, how to be clear (so the story is not lost), while still being poetic.
I haven't even tried to work with line breaks, punctuation, and whatnot, and, while I wouldn't mind comments on that, I'm really looking for critique on the content here. Is the story clear? Are there parts that lose you? Are there parts that could be cut? Are there parts that are too far away from "poetry"?
Also, while the end has the sentiment that I am going for, I think it definitely needs work. Any advice is welcome. The more specific the advice and critique the better. I'd love you to tell me not just what doesn't work, but also what could be done to make it work.
One stanza I am having issues with is the stanza that begins, though logic. It is a point I want to get across, but I know there's got to be a better way. Any ideas?
Finally, there is a bit of foul language present, and it pretty much revolves around sexual abuse, so be forewarned.
Thank you for your help!
when you were seven, I built you a castle
out of old discarded furniture and scrap wood
like big sisters are supposed to.
born to a mother
who bent spineless like reeds,
lived just outside the present,
I knew I was your protector
so I learned to be a mother at six
to speak for you at seven
at eleven, I taught you
how to hold the nail straight as I brought
the hammer down
taught you to say fuck
when I missed and hit your thumb
that summer we built our house
in the far left corner of the backyard
behind the shed
we built an away where we buried our hearts
under a dumpster-foraged carpet roll floor
we became scavengers
trolling alleys for old furniture
and twigs to fill holes in the roof
when summer fell at our feet and
that fort fell apart I forgot
my little sister
somewhere between the hollow
halls of junior high that held
secrets of step-fathers
who slipped into preteen bedrooms
while everyone else slept
when our fort fell apart, I forgot to protect you from
step-fathers who crept between
bed sheets of little girls
with bunnies on their panties
baby sister, forgive me
the day silent sirens screeched to our door
and men with mustaches moving behind strangled tones
made me shape words with my sullied mouth,
I cracked, but didn't break until
police herded you into the room
prodded you to search for words
eight-year-olds shouldn't know yet
before you spoke, I knew.
should have known long before.
was supposed to protect you
but fear of long car rides with his hand on my thigh
made a screaming in my head
I didn't hear your downcast eyes
you never cried, and by then
we never talked,
but a single sob tore our throats
as we fell into each other.
I held you close
built you another castle
from the tangle of our hair
and bits of our skin
little sister, I'm sorry
though logic, after-school specials, and therapy
assure me it was not my fault and I know
children aren't responsible
for adult wandering fingers,
I was all you had, and I failed
now we have grown
only see each other on holidays and in passing
but don't talk past pleasantries
we aren't sisters
just reminders of wounds forever fresh
of failures and admissions
we've built our houses so far away from these memories
I've forgotten where you live
I want our castle back.
want hearts dug up from under decomposing carpet
childhoods ripped back from the grips of men who
make nightfall terrifying
more than anything, what I really want
is forgiveness
is my sister, my daughter, my friend
to come home
I haven't even tried to work with line breaks, punctuation, and whatnot, and, while I wouldn't mind comments on that, I'm really looking for critique on the content here. Is the story clear? Are there parts that lose you? Are there parts that could be cut? Are there parts that are too far away from "poetry"?
Also, while the end has the sentiment that I am going for, I think it definitely needs work. Any advice is welcome. The more specific the advice and critique the better. I'd love you to tell me not just what doesn't work, but also what could be done to make it work.
One stanza I am having issues with is the stanza that begins, though logic. It is a point I want to get across, but I know there's got to be a better way. Any ideas?
Finally, there is a bit of foul language present, and it pretty much revolves around sexual abuse, so be forewarned.
Thank you for your help!
when you were seven, I built you a castle
out of old discarded furniture and scrap wood
like big sisters are supposed to.
born to a mother
who bent spineless like reeds,
lived just outside the present,
I knew I was your protector
so I learned to be a mother at six
to speak for you at seven
at eleven, I taught you
how to hold the nail straight as I brought
the hammer down
taught you to say fuck
when I missed and hit your thumb
that summer we built our house
in the far left corner of the backyard
behind the shed
we built an away where we buried our hearts
under a dumpster-foraged carpet roll floor
we became scavengers
trolling alleys for old furniture
and twigs to fill holes in the roof
when summer fell at our feet and
that fort fell apart I forgot
my little sister
somewhere between the hollow
halls of junior high that held
secrets of step-fathers
who slipped into preteen bedrooms
while everyone else slept
when our fort fell apart, I forgot to protect you from
step-fathers who crept between
bed sheets of little girls
with bunnies on their panties
baby sister, forgive me
the day silent sirens screeched to our door
and men with mustaches moving behind strangled tones
made me shape words with my sullied mouth,
I cracked, but didn't break until
police herded you into the room
prodded you to search for words
eight-year-olds shouldn't know yet
before you spoke, I knew.
should have known long before.
was supposed to protect you
but fear of long car rides with his hand on my thigh
made a screaming in my head
I didn't hear your downcast eyes
you never cried, and by then
we never talked,
but a single sob tore our throats
as we fell into each other.
I held you close
built you another castle
from the tangle of our hair
and bits of our skin
little sister, I'm sorry
though logic, after-school specials, and therapy
assure me it was not my fault and I know
children aren't responsible
for adult wandering fingers,
I was all you had, and I failed
now we have grown
only see each other on holidays and in passing
but don't talk past pleasantries
we aren't sisters
just reminders of wounds forever fresh
of failures and admissions
we've built our houses so far away from these memories
I've forgotten where you live
I want our castle back.
want hearts dug up from under decomposing carpet
childhoods ripped back from the grips of men who
make nightfall terrifying
more than anything, what I really want
is forgiveness
is my sister, my daughter, my friend
to come home