I'm not sure whether I really wanted the reader to be convinced about this guy - he's not really a character who I wanted people to like all that much, or to 'trust'. I should have put more emphasis on that, I think.
I'm glad you like it as a piece, many thanks for the tips on improvement.
To preface: I really enjoyed reading this, despite some minor problems I had with it. You've got a really nicely developed voice and a fairly sparse style that imitates the themes of the piece. So yes, I do like it quite a bit. Some suggestions for improvement
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Thank you so much! I've got a lot of issues with this piece myself, so I'm very glad to see what other people think :)
I understand what you mean about overkill and the 'You' reference is in fact a mistake, because that section was written for the original version of this story (which was entirely in the 'you' person) and I must have missed it in my final readthrough. So that's why it's out of place.
""It was standing in that laundry room, I began to concoct my idea." Yes, that's also a typo. There should be a connective in there... somewhere. (It just passed midnight so I'm not quite in the creative frame of mind right now, haha).
My extreme gratitude to you for such a lengthy and detailed comment! I will definitely work towards making it a stronger piece.
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I'm not sure whether I really wanted the reader to be convinced about this guy - he's not really a character who I wanted people to like all that much, or to 'trust'. I should have put more emphasis on that, I think.
I'm glad you like it as a piece, many thanks for the tips on improvement.
Reply
Reply
I understand what you mean about overkill and the 'You' reference is in fact a mistake, because that section was written for the original version of this story (which was entirely in the 'you' person) and I must have missed it in my final readthrough. So that's why it's out of place.
""It was standing in that laundry room, I began to concoct my idea." Yes, that's also a typo. There should be a connective in there... somewhere. (It just passed midnight so I'm not quite in the creative frame of mind right now, haha).
My extreme gratitude to you for such a lengthy and detailed comment! I will definitely work towards making it a stronger piece.
Reply
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