To preface: I really enjoyed reading this, despite some minor problems I had with it. You've got a really nicely developed voice and a fairly sparse style that imitates the themes of the piece. So yes, I do like it quite a bit. Some suggestions for improvement:
This line ("You lie your face down on the pillow and you sit back up again with half a cinema floor clinging to your face, complete with buttery syrup and chocolate raisins.") feels out of place. I understand that you're addressing a universalized/generic 'You' throughout the piece, but this one doesn't fit in that mode. Clearly, the narrator is referring to himself as 'You' (or that's my impression), but it doesn't make sense, because the rest of the time, the 'You' feels very disconnected from the narrator.
The line ("It was standing in that laundry room, I began to concoct my idea.") reads very awkwardly. Is it a typo? I'm confused.
The grease/McDonald's bit is a bit irritating. We've got the commercialism pounded into our heads by that point, it's just a bit overkill. Like I said, you have a fairly minimalist way of describing things-but when you do go all out, you do it well. This description doesn't work.
General points: the religion attacks also feel a bit misplaced or underdeveloped. There are plenty of reasons to be angry with religion, but I don't think you've covered them in a focused manner. The commercialism/techno. disconnect is a much stronger theme--I would stick with that. Also, I don't think there's enough buildup for the chaos theory bit that comes in at the end. I can see this narrator doing that kind of thing, but there's not a momentum towards it.
That said, there are really great moments. The lube/toothpaste moment cracked me the hell up. The description of the bed and sheets was just right--not cliche, not abstract. Perfect. Everything up until "I call to the stand my first witness, God" is absolutely spectacular. As I said, your voice and style are stellar--so confident! And believe me, I wouldn't have left such a damn long-winded crit here if I hadn't invested interest in the piece. It's already at a good place, I just think there's potential for a much stronger piece if you tweak a bit. Good job!
Thank you so much! I've got a lot of issues with this piece myself, so I'm very glad to see what other people think :)
I understand what you mean about overkill and the 'You' reference is in fact a mistake, because that section was written for the original version of this story (which was entirely in the 'you' person) and I must have missed it in my final readthrough. So that's why it's out of place.
""It was standing in that laundry room, I began to concoct my idea." Yes, that's also a typo. There should be a connective in there... somewhere. (It just passed midnight so I'm not quite in the creative frame of mind right now, haha).
My extreme gratitude to you for such a lengthy and detailed comment! I will definitely work towards making it a stronger piece.
This line ("You lie your face down on the pillow and you sit back up again with half a cinema floor clinging to your face, complete with buttery syrup and chocolate raisins.") feels out of place. I understand that you're addressing a universalized/generic 'You' throughout the piece, but this one doesn't fit in that mode. Clearly, the narrator is referring to himself as 'You' (or that's my impression), but it doesn't make sense, because the rest of the time, the 'You' feels very disconnected from the narrator.
The line ("It was standing in that laundry room, I began to concoct my idea.") reads very awkwardly. Is it a typo? I'm confused.
The grease/McDonald's bit is a bit irritating. We've got the commercialism pounded into our heads by that point, it's just a bit overkill. Like I said, you have a fairly minimalist way of describing things-but when you do go all out, you do it well. This description doesn't work.
General points: the religion attacks also feel a bit misplaced or underdeveloped. There are plenty of reasons to be angry with religion, but I don't think you've covered them in a focused manner. The commercialism/techno. disconnect is a much stronger theme--I would stick with that. Also, I don't think there's enough buildup for the chaos theory bit that comes in at the end. I can see this narrator doing that kind of thing, but there's not a momentum towards it.
That said, there are really great moments. The lube/toothpaste moment cracked me the hell up. The description of the bed and sheets was just right--not cliche, not abstract. Perfect. Everything up until "I call to the stand my first witness, God" is absolutely spectacular. As I said, your voice and style are stellar--so confident! And believe me, I wouldn't have left such a damn long-winded crit here if I hadn't invested interest in the piece. It's already at a good place, I just think there's potential for a much stronger piece if you tweak a bit. Good job!
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I understand what you mean about overkill and the 'You' reference is in fact a mistake, because that section was written for the original version of this story (which was entirely in the 'you' person) and I must have missed it in my final readthrough. So that's why it's out of place.
""It was standing in that laundry room, I began to concoct my idea." Yes, that's also a typo. There should be a connective in there... somewhere. (It just passed midnight so I'm not quite in the creative frame of mind right now, haha).
My extreme gratitude to you for such a lengthy and detailed comment! I will definitely work towards making it a stronger piece.
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